i decided i might start sharing the occasional blog posts that i write to try and sort through my emotions about being an owned submissive. this one is about what it means to genuinely consent to being punished

consent and punishment

i’ve been a little quiet recently while i deal with some things. but of late i’ve been thinking a lot about the role of punishment in a consensual d/s dynamic. or, more precisely, the r…

princessinamber.wordpress.com

being owned and controlled is hard. it is not that perfect submissive fantasy come true. your owners desires will not always be yours. you won't always get what you want. it is a choice to decide that this is still the life you want. it doesn't have a right or wrong answer, but it is hard either way

increasingly convinced that i simply should not be permitted to interact with heterosexual men at all. i make the worst decisions around them

men. want. i am having one of *those* days. fml.

perilously close to 200 days locked in my cage. as methods for training submissiveness go, i have to concede it worked. he has me completely trained. even my emotions have been reshaped. i feel what he wants me to feel, and i am what he wants me to be. tbh it is a confronting thing to experience

my life as his property. still the same unrepentant slut i always was but now kept chaste, caged, and compliant. it is strangely fulfilling to submit in this way

i like that he notices when i'm only barely managing to be obedient. i've not been at my best lately and the little reminder that he can punish me if he decides i need it is appreciated. i am never disobedient on purpose, but i acknowledge i haven't been the best submissive lately. and he sees that

i've been thinking a lot about how there's this quiet tension between surrender and fulfilment within a d/s relationship. on more than one occasion in my submission to my master i have consented to something, thinking it would mean one thing, and he took it in a direction i didn't see coming

currently listening to japanese breakfast. i forgot how quickly this song disarms all my defences. very glad that none of the men in my life worked this out tbh

Japanese Breakfast - Be Sweet (Official Video)

YouTube video by jbrekkieVEVO

youtu.be

sometimes it's the ordinary moment photos like this ones that feel most evocative to me. the cage is a constant in my life. i go to bed, i'm caged. i wake up, i'm caged. making coffee, caged. at work, caged. it is a permanent marker of his authority over me and it makes me happy

totally normal and not at all sexually frustrated behaviour when you end up leaving marks on your own tits, courtesy of pent up desire that you can't act on during work hours

one day it will sink in that the word "sissy" does not have the same vile connotations for other people as it does for me. but today is not that day. i utterly detest and loathe that word. it is the one thing i never permit anyone to call me. not ever. i despise the word with a fucking passion

it is now 475 days since i was last given permission to cum. sigh. honestly, i should have seen this coming when i gave consent to this, and somehow i did not. i am perpetually, excruciatingly frustrated. and yet i am content in my submission to him. i like that he doesn't give me what i want

browsing through my photo archives and seeing one of the first pictures i sent to my master, before i'd even agreed to submit to him. it is now so strange to me seeing how much autonomy i was permitted over my body back then. in all honesty i do not miss it at all. i prefer being under his control

i am a little sad that i've been less active on here in recent weeks. i think the experience of having my trans status revealed without consent in a situation where i should have been safe has left me feeling unusually vulnerable and withdrawn

i haven't been fucked in so long that the absence of cock feels like actual pain. forcing a slut to remain chaste is a shockingly powerful act of dominance

i haven't been online much lately, trying to manage fallout from being involuntarily outed by someone who had a duty of care not to do things like that. kind of a mood-killer really :/

sometimes i get these little reminders of why i like being in a d/s dynamic. moments when i am about to do something and i realise that i don't know if i have permission, so i have to ask for it. still waiting to find out on this one. he hasn't decided yet

it is strange how easily his rules for my submission just meld into my sense of normalcy. his expectation that i remain chaste is strict: not only am i permanently locked in chastity, i am forbidden from and sexual release without his permission, and limited in how i am allowed to behave around men

apparently three days without my masters attention is the point at which i always start agonising over whether the reason is that i no longer interest him, or he is simply busy with other things, or he is deliberately withholding the attention i crave just to torment me

spent the morning wondering if i should deactivate. i like the nsfw community here, but due to the issues i have surrounding my own transness, it gets difficult for me when anything trans-related sneaks into my feed. decided to stay for now, but tighten my filters for my own wellbeing

lying in bed half naked, exhausted, barely able to move after pushing a little too hard on my run. yet somehow i'm still able to daydream about being taken advantage of in my helpless state

18km run today. probably pushing my luck trying that distance so soon after restarting, but sydney is an intoxicating city for running. gorgeous views the whole way, and i just didn't want the run to end

a very old photo edit that i still love

god i hate my brain. day 1: master tells me he is pleased with me and rewards me. day 2: i have an emotional meltdown over something completely unrelated to him. day 3: my idiot brain is now irrationally convinced i have displeased him and he will leave me. it's so fucking stupid 🤦‍♀️

setting serious things aside. my master kindly allowed me a little of the pain i crave. it doesn't translate to a photo but spending enough time on my knees on a hard floor will always leave me shaking with pain and desperate for sex

work from home outfit

i am going to need a version of the world cup feed with unattractive players only if i'm ever going to understand how this sport works. i keep getting distracted...

i'm bored. amusing myself by taking any online kink quiz i can find. fun but pointless. the results are always: submissiveness: absurdly high masochism: very high being restrained: very high being degraded: very high edge play: high exhibitionism: high orientation: mostly men everything else: nah

desperate to be fucked senseless. frustrated that i'm not allowed