These days my hair is like Andy Burnham’s plan for government, but in reverse - it’s leaving the north and resettling further south.

Mary had a little lamb Its fleece as white as snow But Mary loves a vindaloo And the fleece became a throw.

The hardest tongue twister is 'she sells seashells by the seashore' because you're also wondering why the fuck would she sell them there.

"People turn into complete monsters when they've had a few." "Drinks?" "No, BMWs.”

I've successfully kidded my wife into thinking I've had Botox injections. I could barely keep a straight face.

One of the hardest parts of parenting is pretending to be interested. SO. FUCKING. OFTEN.

These days my hair is like Andy Burnham’s plan for government, but in reverse - it’s leaving the north and resettling further south.

I'm setting up a Bluesky Hokey Cokey Club. Are you in or out?

I had Russian roulette spag bol for dinner tonight. It’s eating normal spag bol but while wearing an expensive white shirt. p.s. I lost

I wish people who read The Daily Mail carried a copy at all times. You know, so you don't have to speak to them to find out they're arseholes.

I once pushed over Jeff Goldblum. I was charged with fly tipping.

I once went to a launch party for a range cooker where the staff wore black lace and handed out pineapples and ground coffee. It was an Aga do…

I once saw a man angrily demanding some respect. He was wearing three quarter length trousers.

My cock's burning. That means someone's talking about it, right?

"Jesus died for our sins!" "So I'm absolved of past sins?" "Yes!" "And absolved of all future sins?" "Er... yes..." "Why be good?" "Er..."

Did I ever tell you how I've successfully cut down on my beer drinking? I now mainly drink this great fruit juice I've found. It's called merlot.

I just saw a white van signal, a cyclist stop at a red light and a BMW allow someone out. I’m now looking skyward expecting to see a pig fly past.

Domestic rows are like buses… You know the rest. Posted from my sofa.

Shutting the fuck up is a very underrated pastime. More people should try it.

I'll never forget the day I asked my dad whether I was adopted. He sat me down and gently said, "No, but it's my greatest regret, Ian.”

I find the hardest part of speaking French is the aching shoulders.

Some people on here find the c word offensive. So I generally refer to the cunts as Tories.

"Was I very drunk last night?" I ask, as I open one eye and find I'm spooning the dog in his basket.

Does any pint taste better than the cheeky one you have while waiting for your Indian takeaway?

"At the third stroke it will be 7.25pm precisely, my precious.” - The Tolkien clock.

Just phoned my wife to make up after we'd had an argument. Apparently she's "fine”. This is worse than I thought!

If you're having exercise related transient abdominal pain I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a stitch ain't one.

Today's the day of the week The Rolling Stones go for a curry, isn't it?

Inspirational post: keep breathing, have fun and don't be a cunt.

Yes, boring colleague, it is compulsory to turn up the volume when Motörhead's Ace of Spades comes on the radio.