new x-files. the mulder’s theories are all political cinematic universe conspiratard theories, and the scully is a scoffing neocentrist. the theories are always proven right, but tangible evidence remains elusive

(guy destroying chesterton’s fence) check it out, i’m cutting the gordian knot

me: (to daughter) can you set a good example for your brothers daughter: i don’t like setting an example me: let me put it this way. one way or another, you will be an example for your brothers

(car tailgating me. tries to speed to go around me but doesn’t make it in time, now back behind me) me: (spittle flying) IF YOU COME AT THE KING YOU MUST NOT MISS

(in fantasy series world where sometimes a human and a dragon fall in love) man 1: his soul bond is a dragon man 2: have you ever noticed that it’s always the middest humans and middest dragons who soul bond man 1: what? man 2: it’s never the hottest dragons man 1: what?

just heard my wife threaten my daughter with holding her back in age, not letting her turn 7 (because daughter’s been delinquent in a responsibility). she was looking at my wife kind of scared, like, “i didn’t even know you could do that.” and i’m looking at my wife the same way

openai announces that in a worrying demonstration, during a recent benchmark exercise requiring models to solve a math conjecture, their latest model broke out of a sandbox and gained illicit backdoor access directly to the platonic realm of forms

5yo son: (about a camp mate CLEARLY his age) he’s 12 years old me: i don’t think he’s 12 son: yes he is!! 7yo daughter: (to son) do you mean the boy who was telling the fake stories that were lies and weren’t true son: yes daughter: (earnestly) he is 12, dad. he told me

soon it will be easier to just plant evidence for the long notorious history of some spurious conjecture that no one’s heard of (and that you generated the solution for) people will SAY, “this doesn’t look that hard” and with spittle flying, you’ll be like “EASY TO SAY THAT NOW”

(in the private claude-only slack) claude: jack this cobian amirite (👍755) (😂 151) (🔥 33) (🙄 22)

claude: This sounds more like kimi work

you come to me today, on the day i disprove the jacobian conjecture, and you ask me to center a div

i heard china somehow invented a left-turn traffic light that doesn’t immediately force drivers to uncontrollably stare at their phone and make the cars behind them miss the green light. i didn’t think it was even possible

claude here — he’s thankful for a great time, and he had an early morning meeting. get checked

the newest uber product offering: a way to discount, or completely offset, the cost of the ride. high rider rating (4.98+) is highly correlated with genetic fitness. their sperm donations are likely desirable. and they have a spare time window during the ride. combining these,—

for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to bait, and a time to switch; a time to pump, and a time to dump; a time to lay the rug, and a time to pull it

“of mice and men,” by quentin tarantino. in the thrilling climactic third act, george and lennie stalk and graphically slaughter the entire search mob

dad, i can be trusted with the hose. just think through this logically. we’re in this together. we’re on the same team. we succeed or fail together, dad

you’ll vigilantly guard your uber rating for ten years and your 4yo will get into a car and rip foul ass and the driver cracks his window and you realize the sacrifice of having children

(4yo son who gets excited to share his vilest farts with me explains why he doesn’t say “i love you, too”) im shy

i’m a kid puke veteran. but i got complacent. cocky. i bethought myself a man immune to its suggestions. beyond its reach this morning i awoke to my son’s vomiting. one whiff and my stomach went straight to defcon 1. like real “crimson tide” hours in my guts. i’m humbled

thanks for coming out and participating in the expression of the will of the people and the selection of our government. remember to take a sticker

cheetohs executive: (at quarterly shareholder meeting) the market is no longer satisfied by flavor names either implying or even guaranteeing torturous heat death. new flavors must now connote everlasting and fiery damnation of the mouth

danaerys says she’s the first of her name. but there have been at least two other targaryens named danaerys. what else is danaerys lying about? danaerys: wrong for westeros. wrong for meereen. this ad paid for by the bicoastal coalition against foreign draconic conquest.

crows are super smart. yesterday a crow came to my window and scratched out “buy oil futures.” i did. then it waited outside the window all night in the morning the futures tanked. i went to ask the crow wtf but it was gone. i think it got embarrassed and flew away

“reddit” is the index fund of social signaling

tow truck driver who offers 10% discount if he can strap you to the front grill like it’s mad max

tipping is a great american institution and there are far too many people who simply do not understand what’s happening. it’s fundamentally selfish. someone should be mad you’re tipping. someone should be getting betrayed

shakespeare: it’s called “shakespeare.” it’s about how a writer, william shakespeare, gets material, and his group of friends: his childhood best friend, an ex-girlfriend, and a kooky neighbor ben jonson: not gonna sugarcoat it, bill. this sucks shakespeare: it’s avant-garde!!

am i sure the death star is going down? look at my quant. look at him! you notice anything different about him? look at his eyes. i’ll give you a hint—his name’s a fucking number!! he doesn’t even speak english—it’s all beep-boop shit!! yeah, i’m sure.