Sniper Ronald McDonald sits atop the Washington Golden Arch. His mission: restore faith in American oil. Sites set at a Luv’s gas station, a child asks “dad, why is gas so expensive?” The clown whispers “Have a happy meal kid,” as he pulls the trigger and her father falls. “I’m Luvin It.”

A Biopic about Dolly Parton. Interspersed with interviews of Dolly talking about her life are vignettes showing those stories. All profits from the film are donated to The Imagination Library (donate.imaginationlibrary.com?_ga=2.208203...). Make this one happen Hollywood.

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Robert Pattinson is a cowboy surgeon who must summit Mt. Everest to raise money for starving orphans. Along the way he mends a fractured family relationship, puts on a comedy show for the blind, & solves who was Jack The Ripper in “I Have Range.” The film gets an Oscar nod only for Cinematography.

In a stirring remake of the classic 1915 film, Christopher Nolan hires black actors to play new men of the cloth. Controversy erupts as white men are portrayed as savage Proud Boys being brought under heel. A land divided, heritage soiled, & history rewritten in “The Birth of A Nation: MAGA Tears.”

A man with a ranch & a dream. A hick mobster with a Philadelphia drawl & a plan. Together they trick a sundowning public into believing miracles can happen. Kevin Costner & Sylvester Stallone lecture the youth on how to stop eating avocado toast & start working harder in “Boomer Fantasy”.

@geekyhooker.bsky.social Reporting in BlueSky (no Twitter). It’s coming home to Sonoma County California! We’ve been doing this for literal years and finally found one!!! Thank you soooo much!

James Bond fails to stop Amazon’s plan for world domination. Now a slave at their distribution center forced to piss in bottles he longs for the days his drinks were the only thing shaken & not stirred. “You Only Ship Twice”. Mike Myers’s is cast as the new Bond & Jeff Bezos plays Ernst Blofeld.

Ala the “Michael” biopic: An Austrian artist struggles after his father’s death. Dropping out of private school, & rejected 2x by an art college, he’s forced to sell paintings in the street. The last scene shows him at a Charlie Chaplin film. Timothy Chalamet is “Adolf”. Amy Adams is Eva Braun.

Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996). Riffed in the 10th season of MST3K. 25 Kentucky Street, Petaluma, CA.

Somewhere deep in space there is a buck to be made. Realizing Sith names aren’t subtle or clever, Disney goes full ham with Darth Bad Guy, Darth Evil, & Darth Genocide. Who cares what the plot is, it’s “Star Wars: Lasers & Lightsabers”. Carrie Fisher’s AI ghost Leia hocks crypto coins.

In space there is no talking to understand aliens, or exploration; just shooting Romulans. The crew renames The Enterprise as “Zoomie Fast Laser Explosion.” AI Leonard Nimoy is brought back to portray Dr. Spock as a white tech bro with blond hair. “Star Trek: the Star Wars”. Written by Andy Wier.

Samara Weaving & Elijah Wood play an innocent couple arrested by false AI detection for a casino robbery. The real paranoid robbers, Margot Robbie & Daniel Radcliffe, hunker down in a small Nevada town run by a suspicious former sheriff played by John Goodman. “Double Down” directed by Ang Lee.

A man with a split personality runs a small town ice cream shop. One half is a snarky buffoon while the other is a whimsical goofball. His friends can’t tell the difference & really don’t care. “Double Scoop of Vanilla” starring both Jesse Eisenberg & Michael Cera in the lead role. PTA directs.

Billionaire Taylor Swift documents her post-Eras life as she enters marriage: Picking out ‘cute’ Saturday morning outfits, preparing talking points about her husband’s dong, interviewing nannies for her future brood, & lamenting her failed country music career in her film “Sad Life of A Trad Wife”.

Liam Neeson narrates a documentary about the luxurious lives of concentration camp guards. The film extolls their “virtues” & builds on conspiracy theories that there were no Jews in the camps. Neeson’s publicist claims it was just a job & his views differ. “The Distance Money Can Buy.”

A magical island housing an all-girls wizarding school opens to acclaim. But lo, the girls are not safe as the school headmaster Voldepestein has nefarious plans for them: old & powerful wizards fly there to dip their wands. Directed by Brett Ratner. Produced by JK “I’m protecting girls” Rowling.

Nickelodeon gives Donald Trump the Kids’ Choice Award for “Favorite Butt-Kicker.” In return the network gets a shiny new orange plane to fly kids directly from their studio to Mar-A-Lago. Though preferring a Nobel Prize, his Pedophileness greets them all the same in “Hold Your Peace.”

Peter Dinklage is a lion tamer promoted to trapeze artist for his skill & bravery. Looking down at the little people from his position in the big top he fires & replaces the tamers with stuffed animals. His acclaim & bank account grow. “Downsizing”. Gal Gadot is an emotionally stunted ringmaster.

Boys marooned on an island form a tribe organized around God, no “stinky girls”, & football. They spend their days fishing & roasting marshmallows. When rescued they cry over losing their paradise. The trailer plays “Born to Be Wild” for their hijinks. Andy Serkis directs “Lord of the Flies.”

When two companies remain there is no choice; prices soar as bank accounts plummet. Between being cash machines to corporations & disposable materials to employers public morale evaporates. Netflix/WB presents “Suck It Losers.” Only on digital. Musk, Bezos, Zuck, & Larry Page cameo as the Hydra.

Emma Stone is Twig, a model who loses her job & is forced to become a Lion tamer. The smell of meat triggers her eating disorder, so she hires people to tie her up and throw twinkies at her while yelling “fatty fatty fat fat” in Yorgos Lanthimos “Masochist Director.” Jesse Plemons is a ham.

One man will bring water standards back to the “good old days.” One man will eliminate yucky fluoride from water treatment. One man will bring back that delicious taste kids only get by chewing on paint chips by replacing copper pipes with lead. That one man is RFK Jr in “The Cull-Again Man.”

Kevin James returns as Paul Blart. Landing a job at ICE, he is paired with Dean Cain and assigned to a Maine lighthouse to watch for immigrant ships. They take turns making dick shadows with the light, but still no one see anything in “Blart on the Rocks.” Vince Vaughn voices a crusty shrimp.

It’s 2050. A new decade beckons for the sacrifice of art for profit as the dust is wiped off another script from a tired franchise. Ben Stiller is pushed out of his nursing home as Robert Deniro’s skeleton is dug up. “I’m Only In This for the Focking Money.” Deniro’s 7 kids collect his paycheck.

Wes Anderson directs Bill Murray, Angelica Huston, Willem Dafoe, Owen Wilson, Scarlet Johansson, Jason Schwartzman, Frances McDormand, Jeff Goldblum, Adrien Brody, Bryan Cranston,Tilda Swinton, Edward Norton,and Michael Cera in a whimsical story of a pebble rolling down a hill in 1950’s Italy.

Dejected by the NFL, a female kicker uses her initials to deceive the league & achieve her self-validated worth by joining the Patriots. Successful, she pulls the ladder up behind her to spite anyone utilizing her strategy, only to hurt herself in the process. J.K.Rowling starts in “TERF Toe.”

A scientist played by Elizabeth Olson must fund her own research by selling toys on the side. The unanticipated results of her experiments combined with her side gig create an intriguing combination. Hasbro’s answer to Barbenheimer is “Marie Curie’s Glow Worm.” Jason Momoa cameos as a Care Bear.

Resurrected using AI, Jimmy Stewart & Abraham Lincoln fight in a bikini mud-wrestling battle to save the rec center. Failing to declare a winner results in an impromptu limbo match. “Lowering the Bar.” Written by AI Writing Unit 23. ‘Directed’ by AI Michael Bay. AI Seth Rogan is a spa patron.

Kevin Costner stars in a new western (no big surprise) as a man who single-handedly saves a Native American tribe using a bad Irish accent and cornball dialogues about the “American Dream.” Taking credit for their cultural struggles he chews the scenery and wins an Oscar. “White Washing.”

In a stretch of her acting abilities, Michelle Rodriguez plays a feisty latina line cook using her physicality to prove she is just as strong as any man (while lacking true emotional depth). Explosions, car chases, & grunts replace dialogue. “Cheeseburger With Jalapeños.” Directed by Michael Bay.