BOSS: “Three hours late to work!” ME: “Me too! Did you wake up with a massive hangover as well?”

Find out how loud your partner can scream by waking them up on an aeroplane flight wearing your life jacket and oxygen mask.

I’m old and useless. I’d give anything to be young and useless again.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this triple-decked half-pound cheese burger will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

My best friend died doing what he loved. My now ex-wife.

I'm not sure, but the whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with.

‘Three ways with carrots’. Just bought this book. Don’t bother, it’s about cooking.

I’ve just written a beautiful ballad on my mate’s piano. When he finds out it’s permanent marker, he’s going to go f**king apeshit.

I like to mix chutney and pickle. It makes me chuckle.

Some days I can’t even be bothered procrastinating.

"Have the lambs stopped sreaming yet, Clarice?" #Caturday #CatsOfBluesky

If you arrive fashionably late in crocs you’re just late.

My diet consists of original Volkswagen Beetle parts. I’m a Herbievore.

“I’ve started dying my hair”. “Just For Men?” “Well, I was hoping the women might like it too”.

Now I’ve finished my astrology degree who knows what the future holds?

I’ve just entered a wet T-Shirt competition. I’m hoping that the prize will be a tumble dryer.

For a laugh I’ve rubbed some chilli powder into some of the sensitive parts of my body. On the whole it was a bad idea.

I’m at the Pizza Hut ‘All you can eat’ buffet. You’d think they’d never seen Tupperware boxes with days of the week written on them before.

Sadly the recipe in this cookbook for Herby Salmon and Cous-cous doesn’t show you how to make a ventriloquist act from the 50s.

‘Get your skates on’ is a stupid thing to say if you’re in a hurry. They’re probably in the loft, and then there’s the whole laces business.

“Abbatoir” ~ The entire range of songs written by Björn and Benny.

Nothing soothes my verrucas more than a nice relaxing swim at my local pool.

Do you understand Venn diagrams? a) yes b) no c) a bit of both

The inventor of the game charades has *holds up one finger* *pulls earlobe* *mimics breaking an egg into a pan and points at it when cooked*

I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.

My new girlfriend: “Describe your ideal date”. Me: “I’d order a filet steak eaten by the lapping waves on a beach in the Bahamas”. Her: “Interesting. What would I be wearing?” Me: “Oh, you’d be there, too?”

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Dave until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open and message her at midnight.

My date: “I love French films”. Me: “Brilliant! Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Copper: “Any idea why I pulled you over?” Me: “Dunno, you’ve got a fat bald guy fetish?”