I didn't realise how hard it would be to return to some of the fandom communities I was active in pre-mTBI. Keep seeing people who know me, and I know I should know them, but I don't. Not properly, at least.
KNV
@kaonarvna.bsky.social
「 creative nonfiction/SF/SFF writer and visual artist 」･ーoriginal content, ff7 & tf fanart/fic! 「ENG/PT-BR 」「he/him ; ele/dele 」 「 very queer ; very disabled 」 website: https://kaonarvna.carrd.co/
Mourning myself a bit once again. Spent two days outside and my brain was working better than usual. Felt (more) like myself for a bit. Headache wasn't too bad. Back home. Back inside. And every glowing light is sending nails straight through my face and tearing my head back up. The melting agony.
Little sketch of an old OC... haven't drawn her since probably like 2023? 2024?
Kicking myself, dragging myself, trying to do something I enjoy...
Doing a bit of draft editing for that long running sephesis fic, at long last. Next little chunk nearly sorted.
It's so hard to do...do the things you need to do, take care of yourself, do pleasurable things, etc, when your own brain is unreliable. So, so exhausting.
8 months and minimal improvement on head injury/post concussion syndrome symptoms. Some things getting worse. At least GP is on it now, reaching back out to neuropsych rehab places, ordering a fresh MRI, etc etc.
Insert the "(bonk) I need an ibuprofen" meme here. My head hurts,,, so much
Truly, deeply enamoured with Rocky. What a guy. Amaze amaze amaze. Has altered the speaking behaviour of myself and my spouse.
Thank you, freewriting exercises...thank you for distracting me from my vices...
Man every time I have a horrendous medical appointment my little rat brain goes "oooo just think about the essay you could write about this one...". Anyway, I've drafted another essay outline...
Waiting for some sort of copyright-neutral (checks notes) giant mechanical lifeform to wake up on this planet and tamper with global politics. Would be a nice change of pace.
Last repost is too real. I enjoy the reactions at work when I return after an absence, and my response to "are you feeling better?" is a firm "no". Able bodied people show such discomfort with the idea of persistent, painful symptoms. That discomfort is just a tiny fraction of what my body handles.
Frustrating to know I would likely benefit from social behaviour but I just don't. I just don't have the capacity anymore.
Really pushing my gp for more medical support because I've still had little improvement (and gotten worse) in some areas since the head injury in December. The "most people get better after a couple months, just wait" clearly isn't working. It's July and we're in the same boat as January.
Every now and then I go, "maybe I've always been like this and I'm just attaching it to the concussion". Then I go see a movie for the first time since the mTBI and spend half of it with my hands over my ears and eyes shut. Wasn't like that before. That's new behaviour. It was never like that.
Tired of post concussion syndrome. Want brain to work like it should.
Worst thing (not that I'm measuring) about the post concussion syndrome is just how much my capacity for socialisation has plummeted. Can't initiate like I used to. Can't maintain conversation/interaction like I used to. Have even less of a concept of time than I used to.
I have six weeks off work now and just...the relief...the fucking relief in my brain and body...
Seeing project hail mary next Thursday. Didn't expect to be able to get cinema tickets for it this late, but one near me is still going. Wary that it'll flare me up brain-wise. But I want to watch it. Screens are hard to look at, but, we'll try.