Krypteia Official (GO parody account)
@krypteiaofficial.bsky.social
Putting a human face to your friendly neighborhood secret police! The second funniest account run by an unaccountable oppressive police regime in all of Elysium Agents in the flesh ball, thus far: 9
We have Limp Bizkit in a vault. I don't know why Limp Bizkit exists. I don't know what a "Bizkit" is supposed to be or why it's Limp". All I know is that someone started a band called "Limp Bizkit" and it was so offensively bad that Zeus decreed them be thrown into the deepest vault we had.
Antioche and Philippos just handed me a bunch of eggs and started giggling. Apparently we have an egg room? They won't tell me what's in it. I don't like eggs, please send someone to eat them and tell me if there's something wrong with them.
My direct superior, Antioche, is twice my age and I really hate her guts but she keeps inviting me to the "hentai room". Is this that toxic yuri I keep hearing about?
We have a television that only shows media from other universes here. Athena has been visiting and watching this show called "Psycho-Pass". I'm not allowed to see it, but she always comes out with a HUGE grin on her face. Which is scary. Athena is not known for smiling.
Elysians have some *wild* fetishes. I know King Zeus was adamant that there be no policing of such desires, but feet? What happened to demure, maidenly desires like the joy of cannibalizing one's sister and fucking on a corpse pile?
Sisterflesh? In your mouth? It's more likely than you'd think
I'm so excited to take the train today.
Please stop telling us you've seen Zeus. We work for Hera but that doesn't mean we exist to track her wife. Also, that's not Zeus, if she's all drunk and washed up looking it's probably that nuisance detective Isadora
Banned. Straight to hell. Do we have hell here? If not we need to invent hell for this.
ORION, STELLAR HUNTRESS 🌌🗡️@orion.myatproto.social · 6d agofeet
The teeth stealing will continue until morale improves.
Krypteia Official (GO parody account)@krypteiaofficial.bsky.social · 5d agoDoes your nymph have teeth? Be careful! Reports have gone out that nymphs steal human teeth as we sleep. If your nymph has teeth, they are probably stolen. Check to see if any of your teeth are fake. Nymph tooth theft is a *very* serious defect
Does your nymph have teeth? Be careful! Reports have gone out that nymphs steal human teeth as we sleep. If your nymph has teeth, they are probably stolen. Check to see if any of your teeth are fake. Nymph tooth theft is a *very* serious defect
There's a really cute lion thing in the vaults. That's basically just a really big cat, right? It does have a snake tail, and it seems super angry, but I bet he just wants some scritchies. I'm gonna go for it.
There is an ongoing recall of the Keraunios RG+ model kits! Do NOT build your kit if you have one. If you have built a Keraunious RG+, contact your local Krypteia branch IMMEDIATELY
Philosophy is illegal, and, moreover, ridiculous. Unless it says that we, the state, are good and just. In which case, carry on, good citizens of Elysium.
Every day is a day to be grateful that we are ruled by beautiful women with phenomenal bosoms
Sometimes Poseidon gets really excited about a sea critter she finds and we use some of our vaults as aquaria for them.
Fun fact: every time one of us posts something that causes an issue, that officer has their head and circulatory system grafted into a massive blob of flesh in one of the vaults
It must be so annoying to be a politeia officer. If anything even remotely interesting happens, we come in and take away your toys. The kindergarten cops of Elysium
You'd be amazed at how many times fucked up cyborgs have gone on a rampage through Elysium. Thankfully, we're good at covering it up.
Declassified vault item 033: Arachne Once, Arachne challenged Athena to a weaving competition and won. Athena got pretty mad and cursed Arachne to shoot rope constantly. For her own safety, we had to quarantine her. On the plus side, we have an infinite supply of cum.
We have a metal horse that eats flesh. We're not even sure what a horse is, but it says "horse" on its side and really likes eating people. The last girl to feed it lost her hand. We confiscated it from a craftsman named "Diomedes".
The employee who posted this message has been turned into a pig. Please ignore the previous message, Hera's wife would never be such a slut as to freely distribute her milk.
Krypteia Official (GO parody account)@krypteiaofficial.bsky.social · 3w agono. We do not have Zeus' milk. Please stop asking. They give that away at her temple.
Declassified vault item 381: Rhea's milk We have a gallon of what we assume is Rhea's milk. We're not sure how it hasn't curdled after more than 100 years. We once threw some in the air and it ended stuck to the sky.
The Big Boss Lady came in today. She didn't say anything, she just had us line up and stared us down for ten minutes straight. Two of us literally died. I think she needs a vacation.
I just learned the term "mpreg". I assume it is short for "mada preg"
There was once a vault that just had a bean in it. The vault was not labeled. One of my coworkers, Lysandros, ate the bean on a dare. He's now a two-headed cow. This is why it's important to label your work.
One of my coworkers locked me in the vault as a "prank". Thankfully another coworker came and got me out after 12 hours. For revenge, I had one of our surgeons steal her tits to make mine bigger.