Being a therapist means living with shame. I'm embarrassed to say that patients have given up on me and even more humiliated by having to admit that I employed these rationalizations to move on; it's a piercing feeling. Yet the hole it leaves is needed. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Treatment Resistance and the Therapist's Shame

Personal Perspective: Concepts like treatment resistance and projective identification are often employed to absolve therapists of responsibility for the failure of treatment.

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Nancy McWilliams wrote, “Self-defeating people live in a state of dread that an observer will discern their shortcomings and reject them for their sins. To combat such fears, they try to make obvious both their helplessness and their efforts to be good.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Am I a Bad Person?

Perfectionists may attempt to embody an absolute and consistent goodness, yet morality often requires us to treat others differently, which can feel confusing and scary.

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Ambivalence, as Nancy McWilliams noted, is ubiquitous, rather than an indicator of mental illness. Essentially, it’s the state of holding conflicting desires, intentions, or beliefs, with, often, one side being conscious and the other hidden from oneself. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Attempting to Be a Good Person May Prevent Meaningful Change

Moral perfectionism, the excessive preoccupation with being perceived as good, is often a significant barrier to meaningful change, causing denial and defensiveness.

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The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche remarked, "One loves one's desire, not the desired." This is certainly applicable to many perfectionists, who tend to strongly believe they have something to prove. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The Foolish Quest for Ideal Love in Maladaptive Daydreaming

We often dream of ideal love saving us—yet what actually might is learning to value the love we receive.

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Oliver Sacks wrote, “All of us entertain the idea of another sort of medicine… which will restore to us our lost health and wholeness. We spend our lives searching for what we lost; and one day, perhaps, we will suddenly find it.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionism Is a Misguided Way to Avoid Grief

Perfectionists tend to believe they can make up for lost opportunities and failures, yet grieving them is the better way to find meaning and happiness in the present.

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Frannyfanny wrote, “A professor said: 'Your parents loved you, but did they delight in you?' Did their face light up when you walked into a room? Could they enjoy your emerging subjectivity enough that you remember feeling being loved just because?” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Am I Loved Only Because I Perform?

When love is believed to be conditional, based on some form of performance, we may contribute to our mental health struggles in the constant pursuit of that conditional love.

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After breakups, patients frequently ask others, especially their therapists, “Were we even really in love?” The answer might be an obvious “yes” to others, but the devastated person struggles with understanding how love can both be genuine and temporary. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Was It Really Love?

Personal Perspective: Perfectionists struggle with heartbreak because they struggle to make sense of how someone who said they loved them could have just stopped and left.

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In her wonderful New Yorker article, journalist Leslie Jamison wrote, “In many cases, a frustrated desire for parental acceptance has produced a tyrannical taskmaster driven by a false conditional: If I am perfect, then I’ll be loved.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionism and the Excessive Need for Control

Perfectionism entails the excessive need for control, which, while managing one's self-esteem and sense of safety, creates havoc in one's life.

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Some spend their entire lives defending themselves against punishment and shame, seeing it lurking everywhere. Those with a tendency to engage in black and white thinking tend to either feel threatened and vulnerable or completely secure, no in-between. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The Extreme Fear and Pain of Being Criticized

Some fear being held responsible because they fear being blamed and shamed. But responsibility, unlike blame or shame, is fair, just, compassionate, and unifying.

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Perfectionism and obsessiveness are defenses aimed at managing self-doubt. At their core is a mind plagued by extremely negative thinkingabout one’s essential self. Self-doubt can manifest with thoughts like “Am I bad?” “Am I ugly?” “Am I unlovable?” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Pursuing Perfection Won't Silence Your Inner Critic

Perfectionism is appealing to those who struggle to silence their inner critics, promising an escape from self-hatred through the certainty of hard-won perfection.

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In Amadeus, Mozart often experiences what in psychoanalytic thought is called ambivalence, experiencing paradoxical feelings and/or desires. In this example, Mozart aches to live up to his own standard of perfection while winning his father’s approval. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

'Amadeus' Teaches Us Something Profound About Autism

Autistic individuals often struggle with accepting rejection, instead trying harder to get others to appreciate them for their uniqueness.

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Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams poignantly wrote, "Psychotherapy does not make dependent people independent; on the contrary, it makes them able to more effectively use their natural dependence in their personal interests." www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Change Isn't Always Good for You

Despite popular belief, patients resist change not only because they fear it, but also because they wish to remain authentic.

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People-pleasing contains immense hope, but it's also conflict-averse. Within that hope is a magical idea, indicating that if one were to perfectly adapt to their environment, everything would “turn out fine.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

People-Pleasing Is a Flawed Way to Exert Control

People-pleasers tend to double down and blame themselves for not doing enough when they're struggling, but this tendency to personalize, while it cultivates hope, is unsustainable.

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Sleeping Beauty and her prince, in Rollo May’s telling, were unable to make their marriage work because their ultimate goal in getting married was pure escapism—they wanted to discontinue dealing with their difficult feelings by evading them completely. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Is It Love or Obsession?

Obsession can resemble love through a process called limerence, which is more about the obsessive proving their lovability than cultivating love.

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Her not feeling a strong connection was about her—as much as it was about me. With respect to my own perfectionism, my problem was in defining love nonsensically. And I used that notion of true love as a standard to prove whether or not I was lovable. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Was It Really Love?

Personal Perspective: Perfectionists struggle with heartbreak because they struggle to make sense of how someone who said they loved them could have just stopped and left.

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Couples therapy usually begins with both parties blaming each other. One blames the other for being needy and the other objects to chronic, perceived mistreatment. “It’s all your fault” is the reoccurring yet trite message from both. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

What Happens If One Partner Pushes and the Other Pulls Away?

The push/pull dynamic is a label for relationships where one demands more time and attention while the other remains hyper-independent. There's often much more under the surface.

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The search is for certainty—which, to borrow from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, seems to recede whenever we think we’re drawing near it—life presents all of us with few absolutes. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

When Trusting People Is a Struggle

Many perfectionists struggle to trust others, so they create difficult tests for them to conclusively prove whether or not they're essentially good.

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The euphoria stems, for the most part, from hope. So, the reality, regardless of form, is secondary—little more than a means to an end. As someone with bipolar II disorder, I can tell you that it’s difficult to enjoy much of anything for its own sake. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Chasing Perfection in Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar II disorder prevents me from experiencing joy a lot of the time, and when I do, it's because I'm hoping for something better.

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The socially prescribed perfectionist, even if espousing the virtues of independence and individualism, often carries the deep-seated need for constant approval. Their identity is a mere amalgam of introjects of important others’ perceptions of them. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionism in Women

Some women believe significant others, especially the men in their lives, demand perfection of them and struggle to feel good about themselves without their approval.

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Therapists may demand too much of themselves when they obsess over providing helpful and personalized explanations. Patients may demand too much when they clamor for answers or even too much attention from others in order to soothe themselves. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

You're Asking for Too Much When You're Overthinking

While it's honorable to take responsibility for one's failures, personalizing or taking too much responsibility can trigger overthinking, which can lead to missing out on life.

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On ep 268, we welcome Eileen Buckholtz to discuss her thirty one year career with the NSA, the contributions of women in its history, how they were often overlooked, and the class action lawsuit that upended discriminatory policies in the NSA. Full ep: youtu.be/rjiZ--9ygT0

Eileen Buckholtz - The Women Who Built the NSA’s Secret Computer World | STM Podcast #268

YouTube video by Seize the Moment Podcast

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Jonathan Shedler wrote, “Guilt is self-referential. It’s one part of the personality attacking another. The hurt person is secondary. While it may seem to be about the other person, the guilty person’s focus is really themselves. Remorse is relational.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Moral Perfectionism and the Selfishness of Shame

Moral perfectionism is associated with excessive pride, which often blinds us from others' needs while making us falsely believe that we're good and thoughtful people.

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Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams wrote, “The myth of human independence exists even though all people need each other. Psychotherapy does not make dependent people independent; it makes them able to more effectively use their natural dependence.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The Tide of Crippling Self-Doubt in Obsessive Compulsiveness

Crippling self-doubt can lead to a chronic need for reassurance, but there's a better way to seek assistance.

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In his autobiography, Norm Macdonald details his years long gambling addiction, which cost him his life-savings on three, yep three, separate occasions. In a poignant reflection in the book, he informs his readers about what sustains any gambling addiction. existentialcafe.blog/2024/03/26/a...

Addicted to Hope

In his autobiography, Based on a True Story, comedian Norm Macdonald details his years long gambling addiction, which cost him his life-savings on three, yep three, separate occasions. In a poignan…

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We know that shame is often the progeny of trauma. Trauma and childhood experiences, including those in early school years, shape us in so many ways; they shape our identities, our self-perceptions, our coping mechanisms, and our ability to trust others. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The Trauma of Perfectionism

For perfectionists, the inner critic disqualifies any significant achievement; seeking ultimate validation is often done in vain.

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The construct of the good girl, for example, the one preoccupied with social justice and the general well-being of the world, becomes not merely an ideal to aspire to but a suffocating despot. For her, blame and responsibility are inextricably intertwined. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The Trauma of Perfectionism

For perfectionists, the inner critic disqualifies any significant achievement; seeking ultimate validation is often done in vain.

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I dated someone I really connected with. We had great banter, I found her extremely attractive, and I thought about her all the time. I was under the impression that we shared similar feelings for each other, especially considering her compliments to me. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Was It Really Love?

Personal Perspective: Perfectionists struggle with heartbreak because they struggle to make sense of how someone who said they loved them could have just stopped and left.

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Essentially, the perfectionist struggles with tolerating paradox. Perfectionism can, in one understanding, be thought of as the obsessive attempt of fusing apparently conflicting opposites, a cultivated harmony, or "having it all.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

The Perfectionist's Dilemma

Perfectionists want what they can't have and, more important, what can't exist. Their preoccupation with having it all contributes to their chronic state of unhappiness.

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Nancy McWilliams wrote, "Some feel so bereft of clear family standards, so ignored by adults around them, that to push themselves to grow up they hold themselves to idealized criteria of behavior and feeling that they derive from the larger culture.” www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Perfectionism in Borderline Personality Disorder

Perfectionism often manifests in borderline personality disorder due, in part, to the tendency to anxiously search for clarity, security, and self-esteem.

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Psychotherapy, in its attempt to address one’s personal distress, often works with the patent to move away from asking the proverbial question of trauma: Why did this happen to me? (Or, what did I do to deserve this?) www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/perf...

Stuck in the Question of "Why Did This Happen to Me?"

Personalizing, or believing that negative events that happen to you are your fault, leads to deep sadness and shame, even if it provides a sense of hope temporarily.

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