Men are like “girls want a 6ft chad with a 6 figure income & that’s why im single” & like. Idk big dawg, im ugly & broke & mean & i somehow still have a gf. Maybe u just suck as a person, broseph.

TBT getting so high i couldn’t see straight then going to lay flowers on Brandon Lee’s grave in Seattle. After going to the Bodies exhibit while also an ungodly level of high, sorry both Jesus & Brandon Lee. 💀

23 years ago today socio-ex ODed on heroin & is the devil’s problem now. Today fuckin rules.

My 7/11 guy doesn’t work there anymore & I MISS HIM. Now when i struggle bus my way to the semalem to get 3am beef jerky i don’t even get called “ohhh my habibi” anymore 💔

I can’t believe Courtney Love wrote so many albums about me, like wow how Wife of her.

Listening to DMB & remembering being in hs having a HUGE crush on this field hockey queen & at the time was like “ha, i bet those dumb boys hear this & think about Mary. Every day. w/her cute skirts. Yeah i bet they’re thinking about that, those losers” like shut up, u are GAYYYY

Protip. Get crossfaded & sing reggae badly to ur hot gf on an audio message just to feel alive again.

TBT sending Derek “LABOUR (The Cacophony)” bc i loveeee that song & he was like “are u mad at me” 💀💀💀

The only thing more embarrassing than getting married to Ethan Klein is getting cucked by Ethan Klein.

Me “things are happening in my trashy fireman show fandom” Gf “?” Me “no u know what i mean, my trashy fireman show!!!” Gf “u mean 911?” Me “yes”

Gf “so we can watch more One Piece, or u can binge on beef jerky & be horny” Me “yes” Gf “no which one??” Me “YES”

Someone was like “I don’t fw halal meat bc it hurts the animal to be killed that way” & hooo boy, they are gonna lose their mind when they hear about what regular ass slaughterhouses do. 💀either be vegan or don’t, but miss me with this conveniently specific concern for animals.

Every time I’m like “this song rules who is it” & it’s just fuckin Florence + The Machine again so after the like 10th time this happens, like ok damn bitch FINE I guess I like Florence + The Machine. A lot actually. Like damn ok hello u consistently late to the party ass bitch.

If i had to be raised in a fringe cult as a kid & suffer lifelong trauma about it, I sure do reserve the right to dog on every other cult & L Ron Hubbard i will never stop shitposting about you. & Jim Jones I will see u in hell. & get behind me Heavens Gate, u did nothing wrong.

I was like “does staind REALLY suck or was i just in high school” & i regret to inform you that Staind rly does suck. Oh my god they suck ass.

Gf “I gotta get cocoa beans” Me “uggh yeah I gotta fuck kurt cobain too” Gf “what?” Me “ what????”

“Every medical advancement started with the statement ‘that sounds crazy’.” -Derek Shepherd doing miracle work on Greys Anatomy, or me saying that going all in on alcoholism fixed my cocaine addiction, like who can even say?

My gf fell asleep on the phone while i was discussing in autistic detail the Seahawks opening lineup & that is so valid of her 💀

Billy Corgan sounds like Eric Cartman when he sings & he sounded like Eric Cartman when he went on the Alex Jones show multiple times talkin bout chemtrails being real too. But go on about how he stands with Brian Warner.

Gf “let’s watch this one!” Me “ooo what is it” Gf “A classic horror story” Me “hell yes! I’m in! What’s it called” Gf “a classic horror story!” Me “but what-” Gf “it is CALLED A Classic Horror Story” What in the abbott & costello is this conversation bruh

Being a mossad honeypot then getting cheated on by the dorky streamer you were assigned to is an objectively hilarious situation.

Everytime i go to the store its like once a month they have 2 bags of my emotional support hachitos popcorn & I’m beginning to realize it’s because they see me coming & know i will absolutely buy every single bag i see & are like “no ok this bitch gets 2 then cut her dumbass off”

There’s a song by Sam Hatmaker & it’s not a single or on an album, she posted herself singing & strummin on acoustic on Tiktok years ago & i saved it & listen to it REGULARLY & I wish I could meet & thank her for a song she might not even remember posting bc it made me feel seen.

TBT baba blasting Amy Winehouse & I was like “hell yeah so u think i’m doing fine?” & here comes that man “no she’s dead & u are still an alcoholic” well damn, come upside my head with facts 😭

I was on the phone with my HUD caseworker earlier & saying something about Sean helping me with roach poison suggestions & forgot the words “best friend” & was like “oh yeah my Emotional Support Sean suggested this” lmfao. Everyone should have an Emotional Support Sean actually.

Fellas she don’t even have a boat. (Except for my beloved wife the Edmund Fitzgerald of course)

Smiling Friends is fascinating, it’s like if Aqua Teen Hunger Force wasn’t funny at all.

I hope the man that i know reported my twitter knows i already found his home address & i sincerely hope he enjoys being on the Scientology mailing list. Don’t FUCK WITH ME.

Ravens AND Seahawks both losing is targeted violence towards me personally.

“A MAN killed his family bc HE didn’t think THEY should survive HIM losing a job” “A group of MEN in a group chat collaborated on a rape” It’s always hormonal ass men. If THEY cant handle rejection, job loss or not getting laid w/o resorting to violence THEY shouldn’t get to vote