Every time I’m like “this song rules who is it” & it’s just fuckin Florence + The Machine again so after the like 10th time this happens, like ok damn bitch FINE I guess I like Florence + The Machine. A lot actually. Like damn ok hello u consistently late to the party ass bitch.

If i had to be raised in a fringe cult as a kid & suffer lifelong trauma about it, I sure do reserve the right to dog on every other cult & L Ron Hubbard i will never stop shitposting about you. & Jim Jones I will see u in hell. & get behind me Heavens Gate, u did nothing wrong.

I was like “does staind REALLY suck or was i just in high school” & i regret to inform you that Staind rly does suck. Oh my god they suck ass.

Gf “I gotta get cocoa beans” Me “uggh yeah I gotta fuck kurt cobain too” Gf “what?” Me “ what????”

“Every medical advancement started with the statement ‘that sounds crazy’.” -Derek Shepherd doing miracle work on Greys Anatomy, or me saying that going all in on alcoholism fixed my cocaine addiction, like who can even say?

My gf fell asleep on the phone while i was discussing in autistic detail the Seahawks opening lineup & that is so valid of her 💀

Billy Corgan sounds like Eric Cartman when he sings & he sounded like Eric Cartman when he went on the Alex Jones show multiple times talkin bout chemtrails being real too. But go on about how he stands with Brian Warner.

Gf “let’s watch this one!” Me “ooo what is it” Gf “A classic horror story” Me “hell yes! I’m in! What’s it called” Gf “a classic horror story!” Me “but what-” Gf “it is CALLED A Classic Horror Story” What in the abbott & costello is this conversation bruh

Being a mossad honeypot then getting cheated on by the dorky streamer you were assigned to is an objectively hilarious situation.

Everytime i go to the store its like once a month they have 2 bags of my emotional support hachitos popcorn & I’m beginning to realize it’s because they see me coming & know i will absolutely buy every single bag i see & are like “no ok this bitch gets 2 then cut her dumbass off”

There’s a song by Sam Hatmaker & it’s not a single or on an album, she posted herself singing & strummin on acoustic on Tiktok years ago & i saved it & listen to it REGULARLY & I wish I could meet & thank her for a song she might not even remember posting bc it made me feel seen.

TBT baba blasting Amy Winehouse & I was like “hell yeah so u think i’m doing fine?” & here comes that man “no she’s dead & u are still an alcoholic” well damn, come upside my head with facts 😭

I was on the phone with my HUD caseworker earlier & saying something about Sean helping me with roach poison suggestions & forgot the words “best friend” & was like “oh yeah my Emotional Support Sean suggested this” lmfao. Everyone should have an Emotional Support Sean actually.

Fellas she don’t even have a boat. (Except for my beloved wife the Edmund Fitzgerald of course)

Smiling Friends is fascinating, it’s like if Aqua Teen Hunger Force wasn’t funny at all.

I hope the man that i know reported my twitter knows i already found his home address & i sincerely hope he enjoys being on the Scientology mailing list. Don’t FUCK WITH ME.

Ravens AND Seahawks both losing is targeted violence towards me personally.

“A MAN killed his family bc HE didn’t think THEY should survive HIM losing a job” “A group of MEN in a group chat collaborated on a rape” It’s always hormonal ass men. If THEY cant handle rejection, job loss or not getting laid w/o resorting to violence THEY shouldn’t get to vote

Ian Malcolm’s face looking the exact way I feel when i realize i planned an 11am professional zoom meeting for the morning AFTER a Seahawks game. Masterful gambit, noor. So busy assuming i could that i never questioned whether i SHOULD.

Oh my god my fire alarm is malfunctioning,, this is hell i am so tired & i am in hell

im rly high & “wait” feels like such a weird word. OR is “weight” the weird one 🤔(& don’t be all “nooooooooor ur just high” because fuckin duh, but my point remains)

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this fucking IC flareup. Fuck IC, fuck me not being able to indulge in candy corn AND alcohol 😱 during the blessed month of halloween without physically paying for it in agony & fuck my stupid dumb constantly in pain fuckin asshole body..

Listening to Courtney Love in the dark while crossfaded has never ever ever steered me wrong.

My brain like a family guy episode but all the cutaways are just my most embarrassing moments “Hey Lois ‘member the time you read That Poem in front of an audience in college?” “Hey Lois, y’member when you got in a fist fight at the race tracks over $5?”

It’s so embarrassing to be stuck in a cozy game. Gamers be like “i’ve been stuck on this high level elder god boss battle, what am I missing” & here comes my stupit ass “um i’m stuck at decorating the museum? How many benches do i need to put in the garden bc it didn’t say” 💀

Derek sent me a trailer for a movie that was made by AI (to be fair to him, he didn’t know it was AI when he sent it) & i got so mad i threw up lmfao. Like bruh have u ever vomited with rage.

My dumb ass watching toy story 5 like “wait how do they talk to Woody via walkie talkie from that far away when that shit barely worked between mine & my neighbor’s house” like OH IS THE “TOYS ARE SECRETLY ALIVE” MOVIE UNREALISTIC, NOOR? Huge if true.

Losing my brag worthy stranglehold on the YouTube algorithm because of AI slop. I never click on it, but YouTube is always like “oh you like nature videos huh? Well here’s an AI video about whether there could be a green tiger” like sam altman i will see you in hell.

Im too crossfaded to watch an adult movie so im watching toy story 4 & oh my god woody takes his job as a toy way too seriously like bro u need to chill

So u can’t say “cocaine” on facebook but u can call me a slur. Fascinating, pls go on.