Bluesky is like "Oh, you like cuisine? Here's 40 pictures of the saddest home made meals you've ever seen." "You said you like art. Please enjoy the bustiest cartoon wolves we could get our hands on!" "You don't like sports? Well here's some fucking sports, you idiot."

My husband heard a chainsaw running outside and mistook it for MY VOICE.

Me as a nurse on the Enterprise: Before I examine you, has any weird space shit happened to you recently? Worf: Yes, but unfortunately I cannot tell you about it because we still have 42 minutes of episode to fill.

Time for a Jamiroquai biopic starring Chris Parnell.

Playing the worst game of hide and seek ever.

Can't believe one of the youngest members of the senate died.

Sprinkling Liquid IV onto the water pooling in the basement so the sump pump can have a sweet treat.

Me purposely logging into social media, scrolling and refreshing until my eyes begin to blur: "Why won't everyone just shut up?"

It's been so long since I read Wuthering Heights, I'd forgotten about all the fingerblasting.

Hollywood is not DYING, it's EVOLVING into an industry where you don't have a job.

You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President

You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President

For generations, U.S. presidents have gone to great lengths to avoid potential conflicts of interest. When I was elected, I followed suit by placing my small business in a blind trust to assure our ci...

theonion.com

Diet Coke is the social media of beverages.