"I'm only good to you alive? I see how it is."

"The older I get the more I understand the woman who hit me"

"If you're going to marry me, the main thing you need to know is ranch dressing"

"If I'm 33 and I'm widowed, it would be by my choice"

"Can we get married by a manta ray"

"I don't know what they do to those fucking cookies, but it's making me consider Mormonism"

"My ungrateful fucking granddaughter is going to ruin my engagement ring, that whore."

"I deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for all the men I haven't slugged"

"Life's too short to be skinny. They should put that on a t-shirt."

"If I wanted a Lindsay book of quotes, I'd write a fucking memoir." "That's going in the Lindsay book of Quotes." "Thank you."

"This plant is better than a child, it can't disappoint me"

"We're in a Red Lobster desert, which is like a food desert but worse"

"My advice is cope and seethe"

"As a misandrist with a boyfriend..."

"I started dating you because you were a project" - while trying to pluck my ear hairs

"You can do anything you want so long as you keep writing in that stupid book of quotes"

"Let's find a sexy little swing state to go to, a little minx of a state"

"If you lose your dick because you didn't deserve it you don't get it back"

"God's favorites get good hair"

"It's an important life skill to be able to wipe one's own ass"

"I'm sick of drinking water like a fucking animal"

"What about the rides on Manasonica pier?" - Lindsay, presumably having a stroke while trying to pronounce 'Santa Monica'

"If you love me and want to be considerate, remove your bones"

"You know when you think about it, lighthouse keepers are the original night auditors"

"I'll never love a human child the way I love this plant"

"What day is it, July 6th?" (it was July 4th)

"Can the park service be more corrupt?"