New Year’s resolution - die on the smoking patio of some bar I’m lukewarm on
Non-Smokey Bear
@linoleum.bsky.social
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I see short to medium term growth in the torch and pitchfork sector
Shaming this dead hiker I found for violating leave no trace principles
If Mark Wahlberg was at Kent State, it wouldn’t have went down like it did
“Peace lily? More like piece of shit lily.” *dropkicks plant across funeral parlor*
“My bulb is so wet right now” - a doomer talking dirty
Trying to find the best ufologist because I don’t want a botched vasectomy
I like my women like I like my Sig Sauer’s - liable to go off unexpectedly
I like my women like I like my Keurig K cups - aggressively toxic
They call it the land of the free yet no one has developed a neck fan that doesn’t interfere with the cheek weld on my AR
Avoid the libertarian zoo. It’s just one emaciated lion and a bunch of sunbleached skeletons
This album is like twisted fantasy if Kanye realized that other people have feelings too
The grocery store can’t play Evanescence and expect me not to feel and express Big Emotions
How is it that the kids eat free promo at Hooters is never on my custody weekend?
The version of Clue where every room is a goon cave and every weapon a cuck chair
Touch grass? Nay. Touch receipts until you have BPA coming out the wazoo
Did you all know that the 5 second rule is a myth (except for liquids)?
Switching everyone to Windows 11 during Autism Acceptance Month is definitely a mixed message.
The best way to reduce microplastic intake is to eat animals lower in the food chain. This is why you should stop eating bear.
Why carry a shotgun in a scabbard while bicycling through town? Because it’d get rusty if it was touching my sweaty, sexy, muscly back, your honor.