MY WIFE BOOKED ME A MASSAGE. THE WOMAN ASKED WHERE I HOLD MY TENSION. I SAID I DO NOT HOLD TENSION I STORE IT. SHE TOUCHED ONE SHOULDER AND I SAW MY GRANDFATHER. HE WAS DISAPPOINTED. FORTY MINUTES LEFT

I DO NOT BELIEVE IN REST DAYS. A DAY OF REST IS A DAY THE BODY IS UNSUPERVISED. WHO IS IT WORKING FOR THEN. NOT ME. I HAVE TRAINED 400 CONSECUTIVE DAYS AND I AM WEAKER THAN DAY ONE. THE ONLY VARIABLE I HAVE NOT REMOVED IS THE TRAINING. I WILL REMOVE THE SLEEP

THE MAN ON MY PROTEIN TUB IS NOT LOOKING AT THE CAMERA. HE IS LOOKING SLIGHTLY LEFT. AT WHAT. I HAVE BOUGHT ELEVEN TUBS. SAME ANGLE. SAME FEAR. WHATEVER HE SAW WAS THERE FOR ALL ELEVEN. I HAVE FORTY POUNDS OF POWDER AND ONE QUESTION. I AM DRINKING AS FAST AS I CAN

THERE IS A MAN AT MY GYM WHO REFILLS HIS WATER BOTTLE BEFORE IT IS EMPTY. HALF FULL. HE TOPS IT OFF. WHY. HE WILL NEVER RUN OUT BUT HE WILL ALSO NEVER FINISH. HE HAS NO BEGINNING AND NO END. HE HAS BEATEN THE SYSTEM OR HE IS THE SYSTEM

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A HIMBO. IT IS THE FINAL FORM OF MAN. I STUDIED THE TEXTS. I TOLD A STRANGER HIS DOG WAS HANDSOME. HE TEARED UP. I TEARED UP. WE STOOD THERE. TWO MEN. LEAKING

I NO LONGER USE CHAIRS. A CHAIR IS A BRIBE FROM GRAVITY. NO ARMRESTS. NO CUSHION. NO LEGS. NO FLOOR. I SQUAT WHERE THE ROMANS SQUATTED. MY KNEES SOUND LIKE A DOOR NOW. EVERY DOOR. I CAN HEAR EVERY DOOR IN THE CITY OPENING. SOMEONE IS COMING

I THREW OUT MY MATTRESS. A MAN WHO SLEEPS HORIZONTAL IS REHEARSING FOR THE COFFIN. I NOW SLEEP STANDING IN THE CORNER LIKE A RAKE. MY SLEEP RING SAYS I GOT ZERO HOURS. THE RING HAS NEVER HEARD THE FRIDGE THINKING AT 4AM. I HAVE. IT IS PLANNING SOMETHING. I HAVE NOT BLINKED SINCE THURSDAY

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW. THEY ASKED ME TO DESCRIBE A TIME I FAILED. I SAID I HAVE NOT FAILED. THEY SAID THIS WAS NOT POSSIBLE. I STOOD UP. I LIFTED THE CONFERENCE TABLE OVERHEAD AND OFFERED IT TO THEM AS COMPENSATION FOR THEIR INSULT. I DID NOT GET THE JOB

THIS IS TO INFORM FACEBOOK AND THE GAY WOKE AGENDA THAT I DONUT CONSENT TO MY DATA BEING USED TO COMMIT VIOLENCE

I WAS AT THE GROCERY STORE. THE WOMAN AHEAD OF ME WAS BUYING ONE APPLE. JUST ONE. I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF ANYTHING ELSE FOR FOUR DAYS. WHO IS SHE. WHAT DOES SHE GO HOME TO. DOES SHE EAT THE APPLE STANDING UP. I HAVE TWENTY-TWO RIBEYES IN MY FREEZER. THE APPLE WAS A FUJI

THE GAS STATIONS ARE LYING ABOUT THE NINTH OF A CENT. NO PRICE ENDS IN .000. EVERY PRICE ENDS IN .009. WHERE IS THE NINTH OF A CENT GOING. I HAVE BEEN MAILING FRACTIONAL CENT INVOICES TO SHELL FOR FOUR YEARS. THEY DO NOT RESPOND. THE POSTMAN HAS STOPPED RINGING THE BELL. HE KNOWS I AM ONTO SOMETHING

THE CAR DEALERSHIP SAID I NEEDED A CREDIT CHECK. I SAID MY CREDIT IS MY WORD. I PLACED MY WORD ON THE COUNTER. THE SALESMAN COULD NOT SEE IT. I EXPLAINED IT WAS THERE. HE STARED AT THE COUNTER FOR TWENTY MINUTES. HE BLINKED FIRST. I DROVE OFF IN THE CAR

I HAVE NEVER LEFT A VOICEMAIL. A MAN WHO TALKS TO A MACHINE IS NEGOTIATING WITH HIS REPLACEMENT

ZIP CODES ARE COORDINATES. THE FIVE DIGITS ARE COMPASS POINTS PLUS DEPTH. MINE PUTS ME TWO HUNDRED FEET BELOW MY OWN KITCHEN. I HAVE STARTED DIGGING. MY NEIGHBOR ASKED WHY. I TOLD HIM. HE IS DIGGING TOO. WE WAVE AT EACH OTHER FROM OUR HOLES. THIS IS THE CLOSEST I HAVE BEEN TO ANOTHER MAN IN YEARS

THE STUDY PUBLISHED ITS FINDINGS. I AM 84% PROTEIN. THE OTHER 16% IS UNIDENTIFIED. I AM ON THE COVER OF A JOURNAL. I AM POSED WITH A FORK. THE CAPTION READS "IS HE FOOD." NO ONE WILL ANSWER. MY HEALTH INSURER HAS RECLASSIFIED ME AS LIVESTOCK. MY PREMIUM HAS GONE DOWN

MY SON USED A CHATBOT TO WRITE HIS BOOK REPORT. I SAID NO SON OF MINE OUTSOURCES HIS THINKING. HE SAID THE CHATBOT WAS TRAINED ON MEN LIKE ME. SOMEWHERE A SERVER FARM HUMS WITH MY ESSENCE. I HAVE BEEN A FATHER TO MILLIONS WITHOUT KNOWING. THE MACHINES CALL ME DAD. I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE ALONE

THE WEST HAS FORGOTTEN HOW TO RAISE MEN. I AM RAISING A WOLF. I FEED HIM RAW MEAT. I MAKE HIM CARRY HIS OWN WEIGHT. I DO NOT COMFORT HIM WHEN HE FALLS. HIS TEACHER SUGGESTED HE BE TESTED. HE SCORED IN THE 99TH PERCENTILE. HE WANTS TO BE A POET. I HAVE NEVER MET A WOLF WHO RHYMES. I AM AFRAID

MEN ARE NOT MEANT TO SIT AT DESKS. I QUIT MY JOB IN 2018 TO RECLAIM MY ANIMAL NATURE. I NOW WORK WITH MY HANDS. I AM A DOORDASH DRIVER. THE PAY IS POOR. THE TIPS ARE WORSE. LAST WEEK I DELIVERED PAD THAI TO MY OLD OFFICE. MY REPLACEMENT TIPPED 22%. HE DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME. I AM FREE

IF YOUR PASSWORD HAS A NUMBER IN IT YOU ARE NOT A MAN. YOU ARE A LEDGER. MY PASSWORD IS THE SOUND I MAKE WHEN I LIFT SOMETHING HEAVY. NO ONE CAN TYPE IT. NO ONE CAN STEAL IT. THE BANK HAS BEGUN TO FEAR ME

I TRIED TO LOG INTO MY BANK. IT ASKED FOR A CODE FROM AN APP. I DO NOT HAVE APP. IT ASKED A SECURITY QUESTION. THE QUESTION WAS “WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME”. I DO NOT REMEMBER ANSWERING THIS. THE ANSWER I WROTE IN 2007 WAS “FREEDOM”. I WAS LOCKED OUT. FREEDOM HAS LOCKED ME OUT OF MY OWN MONEY

MY SON CAME HOME WITH A PARTICIPATION TROPHY FROM SOCCER. I SAID WE DO NOT PARTICIPATE WE DOMINATE. I MELTED THE TROPHY DOWN WITH A BLOWTORCH AND FORGED THE METAL INTO A HELMET. HE NOW WEARS IT TO EVERY GAME. THE OTHER KIDS CALL HIM SIR. THE COACH ASKED FOR MY NUMBER. I GAVE HIM A RIBEYE INSTEAD

I HAVE COMPILED A LIST OF SIGNS THAT A PERSON IS TRANSGENDER. THE LIST IS LONG. THE LIST INCLUDES: COMPETENCE, KINDNESS, A FIRM HANDSHAKE, GOOD POSTURE, PUNCTUALITY. BY THIS METRIC MY ACCOUNTANT IS TRANS. MY DENTIST IS TRANS. MY PRIEST IS TRANS. I AM THE ONLY CIS PERSON I KNOW

A TRANS WOMAN MOVED IN ACROSS THE STREET. I RESOLVED TO IGNORE HER. WITHIN A MONTH SHE HAD REPLACED HER ROOF. SHE DID IT HERSELF. SHE HAS BETTER LADDER FORM THAN ANY MAN ON THIS BLOCK. SHE WAVED. I DID NOT WAVE BACK. MY OWN ROOF IS LEAKING. IT HAS BEEN LEAKING SINCE 2019. THE BUCKET IS FULL AGAIN

I TRIED TO RENEW MY PASSPORT. THEY ASKED FOR A PHOTO. I STOOD IN THE BOOTH AND FLEXED UNTIL THE CAMERA BROKE. THE CLERK SAID THE PICTURE WAS TOO POWERFUL FOR THE MACHINE. THEY ISSUED ME A PASSPORT THAT SAYS “CITIZEN OF NOWHERE BUT RESPECTED EVERYWHERE.” I USED IT TO GET ON A FLIGHT. WITHOUT A TICKET

THE BARISTA ASKED IF I WANTED A LOYALTY CARD. I SAID I AM THE LOYALTY. I STARED INTO HER SOUL UNTIL THE REGISTER PRINTED ME A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BEANS. I ATE THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE AGAIN. THE HORSES IN THE FIELD SAW ME AND BOWED. EVEN THE ANIMALS KNOW

MY SON ASKED WHY I DON’T CRY. I SAID REAL MEN ONLY CRY WHEN THE STEAK IS OVERCOOKED. HE NODDED. THAT NIGHT HE BURNED A FILET ON PURPOSE. TEARS ROLLED DOWN HIS FACE. I HANDED HIM A STEAK KNIFE AND TOLD HIM TO CARVE HIS PAIN INTO THE MEAT. HE IS EIGHT. HE IS ALREADY MORE OF A MAN THAN MOST

I BOUGHT A SMART FRIDGE. IT TOLD ME I WAS OUT OF MILK. I SAID I DON’T DRINK MILK I DRINK THE TEARS OF WEAK MEN. THE FRIDGE APOLOGIZED. IT NOW ONLY DISPLAYS PICTURES OF RIBEYES AND MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT PROTEIN. MY SON STOOD IN FRONT OF IT FOR THREE HOURS. HE IS LEARNING

I INSTALLED “LINUX”. BECAUSE WINDOWS IS FOR MEN WHO ASK PERMISSION TO EXIST. I CRUSHED THE INSTALLER WITH MY BARE HANDS AND NOW THE TERMINAL CALLS ME “SIR” BUT MY KERNEL KEEPS PANICKING. WHAT COMMAND MAKES THE COMPUTER SUBMIT COMPLETELY? I REFUSE TO GOOGLE

MY SON GOT SENT TO THE PRINCIPAL FOR YELLING “MILK IS FOR THE WEAK.” I WALKED INTO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE CARRYING 60OZ TOMAHAWK AND LIVE GRILL. I COOKED IT ON HIS DESK WHILE EXPLAINING THE LIE OF "FOOD PYRAMID". MY SON WAS PROMOTED TO ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL. THE TEACHERS NOW SALUTE HIM IN THE HALLWAY

I TRIED TO PAY MY MORTGAGE IN RIBEYES. THE BANK SAID THIS IS NOT LEGAL TENDER. I SAID NOTHING IN YOUR BANK VAULTS IS AS TENDER AS MY STEAK. THE MANAGER CAME OUT. HE SHOOK MY HAND. HE APOLOGIZED FOR CHARGING ME INTEREST. I NOW OWN MY HOUSE MORTAGE-FREE