Apologizing to my boss that I haven’t tweeted about him in awhile
Your honor, the prosecution has spent all their time taking about me, but more importantly, how are *you*
*holding up a 1,042 page document* Marshall Scott: your honor, I would like to submit this into evidence The Judge: this is just pictures of your lawyer’s dogs??
Do you ever think about how there’s infinite different versions of you that exist in people’s minds cuz everyone perceives you differently and in some people’s minds you don’t exist at all
Calling the police cuz someone turned the escalator into stairs
Rubbing crushed Tylenol on my gums while easily walking up a broken escalator
I thought he got trapped in an elevator, are you telling me the escalator turned into stairs and he didn’t know what to do 😭
Getting escorted outta the bar cuz I won’t stop showing the bartender my old tweets
If I skeet here If I just skeet here Would you skeet with me And just skeet at the world
No I didn't see the Coldplay jumbotron thing I was busy looking at my wife
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
No I didn't see Donald start WWIII I was busy looking at my wife
Racist coworkers be like “I’m going to work tomorrow”
And if I only could I'd make a deal with Grok And get him to be more racist -Elon Musk, alone in twitters headquarters shooting up ketamine
Asking my dentist a question then sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Donald Trump EXONERATED by *checks notes*.. the guy whose also trying to convince people Jeffrey Epstein is innocent
Sitting on the curb explaining to the garbage man that four stickers should be more than enough for him to haul me away
Everyone logging on to bluesky cuz twitter is down
