You can get your Manx cat fixed at any high street re-tailer.

My new fencing instructor is great. Now I can move twice the product in half the time. #LunchPun

Burt Reynolds tried eating human flesh, but it made him ill. Gave him the cannibal runs.

Met a girl on my trip to Kazakhstan Astana? More like a 7 out of 10, I'd say. #LunchPun

To sum up, your honour, I put it you that it was not my client that committed the crime, but it was in fact my luggage that did it! Arrest my case.

They missed a trick not calling this product 'Alimony'.

The Verge@theverge.com · last wk.

X Money is launching in the US starting today

Went to the wedding of my Irish friend and his fiancée from Louisiana. I wanted to celebrate the O'Cajun #LunchPun

Great magicians distract the audience with clouds of water vapour in phallic shapes. The art of mist erection.

I tried to return my Streets t-shirt as it was the wrong size, but the shop assistant said it fit and I knew it.

Built a new TARDIS. It isn't great, but it'll do for the time being. #LunchPun

The clumsiest police division is Spatial Oops.

Got the part of a German soldier in a film after taking achtung lessons.

Strolling through a tunnel blindfolded is easy enough, you just need someone to walk you through it. #LunchPun

Remembering my time working for Mr Kipling brings back fondant memories.

#LunchPun

The most common type of lawn is mowed.

The best bank robbers always perform at the heist level.

I never seem to pick up the card in Monopoly where you pay a charge for speeding. Chance would be a fine thing. #LunchPun

I heard some birds mocking me in last night. They were owls of derision.

"I have a paddy field that's 1609 metres long", said the farmer with a rice mile.

Never trust social media sites exploiting outrage for financial gain. Beware geeks bearing grifts. #LunchPun

Achilles refused to accept he had a weakness and it was a heel he was willing to die on.

Historians believe that Barbie shortages in medieval times were due to the few doll system.

- I proposed to my fiancé with a band of whale fat. - Blubber ring? - Yes, but they were happy tears.

When my teacher caught me writing sonnets I was told off for Bard behaviour.

[Funeral home leaflet] How would you prefer to go? A) casket (B)urned C) Burial at #LunchPun

Performed my depressing one man play to my family. It brought the house down. #LunchPun

In the case of the stolen boat, the harbour master was the quay witness.

It's your last chance TODAY to see 'Yorkshire Dad, Immigrant Mum' and 'Gold Fashioned Jokes' in Buxton @buxtonfringe.bsky.social (17:30 and 19:00) Tickets from @undergroundvenues.bsky.social here: bit.ly/3RoqIWn

Prepared for my Cheers: The Musical audition by taking Danson lessons.