Five Guys’ fries are made of people and the reason you get so many is they use the whole body

Everyone wants to live on a farm with a trad wife until they realize what it’s all about: fucking the sheep

Do flock cameras auto-scan QR codes? Because I have some very funny ideas if they do

“quit acting like wasps haven’t always existed” - debate man countering the observation that wasps have clouded the skies after the president signed a “wasps cover the earth” mandate

Using my one wish willow to wish for an infinite number of one wish willows

What are your favorite little treats that helps ease the emotional burden of witnessing the collapse of western civilization

My wife was like “bring some zucchini to work and see if anyone wants it” so I did

I’ve never seen benjamin button but it would be awesome if it started out with someone trying to marry him for his money knowing he’s on his death bed and having to deal with it backfiring as he gradually gets younger

One thing Apple doesn’t want you to know is you can easily isolate Steve Harvey’s mouth and add it to anything you want as a sticker

A time traveler who died doing what he loved most: close up magic during the Salem witch trials

I’ve got gadgets and gizmos, but in this economy, they are not aplenty

Almost halfway through Leviathan Wakes, and one of the characters has now been noted multiple times as the only one of the group who is refusing to carry a weapon. First time I can remember a Chekov’s Not-Gun.

taco bell isn’t fully off the hook because they’re a diarrhea vector, and they did serve the diarrhea lettuce. it’s not purely taco bell’s fault though. so i guess you can charge taco bell with (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■) unearned runs

working towards a 2034 window of contention@whygavs.com · 3w ago

it's a little bleak that one of the largest produce suppliers in the country is making everyone everywhere shit their brains out and they get to just say, "yeah, it was taco bell" and everyone just nods their heads and goes along with it

Avoiding the diarrhea parasite by exclusively eating expired food I already have at home

Irish steakhouse in the style of a Korean BBQ where you mash the potatoes yourself

God it’s a good thing I eat nothing of nutritional value

I choose to believe America is filled with really good people but for one reason or another we have a really hard time electing them

Hi! WIRED health reporter here. Looking to speak with people who got sick with cyclosporiasis and are willing to share the gruesome details. emily_mullin@wired.com

I’ve tried multiple times now, but am realizing Neal Stephenson and maybe the cyberpunk genre as a whole is not for me

I bet this absolutely slaps if you’re stupid

White House barricade Trump fired election aides data center poisoning Meta AI opt-out craze flight instructor leap of faith parasitic outbreak kill the flock Pulisic sucks Mitch McConnell’s eating dust We didn’t start the fire cause we’re always burning this was all this week

Been on an absolute tear with audiobooks lately

I wonder how many self-proclaimed moderates who have voted conservative in the past will realize their actual values are more aligned with democratic socialism

Coworker sent me a photo of a spider dangling above my desk this morning as a heads up, and I never saw the spider myself while I was at work today. Which raises the question as to what’s worse: seeing a spider, or not seeing a spider but knowing it’s lurking

I spoke with Mitch McConnell today. He didn’t know who won the World Series in 1972. I lost who wants to be a millionaire.

I just listened to four audiobooks in a little over a week. Books kick ass.

When I die, my one request is that I continue to serve in my role as senate majority leader

Wow, they've just invented a guy who gets laid off as games journalist and as games PR. He is supposedly extremely cool though

So how do we think they’re going to handle Mitch McConnell? Strings like a marionette or hand up the butt like a ventriloquist’s dummy?

“You could never make me delete this app” The app: