One of Jesus’s disciples said to him, ‘Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.’ He said to them, ‘This is how you should pray.’ Then he pulled his underwear out of his crack and shifted his weight from side to side. His disciples copied.

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. He ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. – Luke 10:25

At that, Jesus rejoiced exclaiming, ‘Thanks, Dad, for making your teachings unappealing to the wise, but attractive to the gullible, it makes starting up this cult so much easier!’ – Luke 10:21

He said to another man, ‘Follow me.’ But he replied, ‘Lord, first let me go and bury my father.’ ‘Screw him!’ yelled Jesus. ‘Let the dead bury themselves!’ The man walked away crying. – Luke 9:59-60

A man in the crowd called out, ‘Rabbi, I beg you to look at my son, for he is only a child.’ Jesus examined the boy and said, ‘Yes, you’re correct, he is a child,’ and walked off. – Luke 9:38

And they said, ‘We only have five loaves and two fish, we can’t feed everyone,’ for there were 5,000 men. Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Make them sit down in groups of 50.’ Then he took the loaves and the fish and ate them. Then he walked away smirking. – Luke 9:13-16

Jesus told the Twelve: ‘Take nothing for the journey – no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt. Mooch off the locals. Whatever house you enter, stay there even when they ask you to leave. If people do not welcome you, shake your fist and swear at them.’ – Luke 9:3-5

When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases. He also gave them all special rings, that, when brought together, allowed them to transform into the ultra-mega-zord. – Luke 9:1

As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. ‘Who touched me?’ Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, ‘Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.’ But Jesus said, ‘Someone touched me; I know because I came a little.’ – Luke 8:42-46

One day, Jesus got into a boat with his disciples, and he said to them, ‘Let’s go across to the other side of the lake.’ So, they put out. Jesus exclaimed, ‘If I’d known it was that easy to get you into bed, I’d have asked for a boat trip sooner!’ – Luke 8:22

And Jesus spake thus, 'Come down, Timmy. You're upsetting your mother.'

Nostradumass@nostradumass.bsky.social · 7d ago

I don’t know about you, but I love having my brain teained. Expecially with pinictures of cnats.

Now Jesus’s mother and brothers came to see him, but they were not able to get near him because of the crowd. Someone told him, ‘Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to see you.’ He replied, ‘Fuck them, I have groupies now!’ – Luke 8:19-21

Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘I’m trying out a new catchphrase.’ ‘Oh?’ they replied. ‘Yeah, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them use those ears in order to hear!”’ ‘Erm...’ groaned Thomas. ‘It needs a little work...’ – Luke 8:8

Then he said to Simon, ‘You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. It was especially awkward when I went to take a dump, but still...’ – Luke 7:45

Then he turned to Simon, ‘Do you see this woman? She wet my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. And that’s why her head stinks of cheese!’ – Luke 7:44

When the men came to Jesus, they said, ‘John the Baptist sent us to you to ask, “Are you the man who is going to come, or are you already here?”’ – Luke 7:18-19

As Jesus approached the town, a dead man was being carried out. So, he went up to the corpse and commanded, ‘Speak!’ Suddenly, the man sat up and spoke, for Jesus was operating him like a puppet. – Luke 7:12-14

As he approached, a corpse was being carried out. His mother was a widow, and when the Lord saw her, he said, ‘Don’t cry.’ ‘Why not?’ she asked. ‘Are you going to raise my son from the dead?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘I’m just tired of hearing people whining.’ – Luke 7:12-13

Remember the parable of the band who built their city on rock and roll. It seemed solid at first, but it all came crumbling down after Grace Slick left. – Luke 6:48

He also told them this parable: ‘Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? Especially since I enjoy leaving rocks around for them to trip over.’ - Luke 6:39

Poo unto others as you would have them poo unto you. – Luke 6:31

If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, give them your shirt. If they bang your wife, give them your daughter. If they run over your dog, throw your cat into traffic. – Luke 6:29

Jesus said, ‘Woe to everyone who speaks well of you, because, frankly, you’re a shit head.’ – Luke 6:26

Jesus said, ‘Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied.’ Then he slowly unwrapped a chocolate bar and ate it in front of them. – Luke 6:21

Now Simon’s mother-in-law was suffering from a high fever, and they asked Jesus to help her. So, he bent over her and rebuked her as hard as he could. Simon’s wife screamed, ‘That’s my mother!’ but Jesus kept on rebuking. – Luke 4:38-39

In the synagogue there was a man possessed by a demon. He cried out at the top of his voice, ‘Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!’ ‘Be quiet!’ Jesus said sternly. ‘The power of Me compels you!’ Then the demon spun the man’s head around and vomited all over him. – Luke 4:33–35