My teeth are made of gold and glass

Bitches can’t stand it when I start talking about grapes. It usually only takes 10 seconds before they start trying to cave in my skull with a rock

I’m dying.

My pet dog just tested “pawsitive” for canine AIDS cancer 🐶

Just let 1 trillion people die in my hyper detailed simulation of the whole universe because I was bored

There is something so beautiful about the virgin mind of a fish

There is fungus everywhere, and we just need to make our peace with that

An eagle flew into my living room this morning. By noon I was breastfeeding it. THAT’S how you show dominance over the animal kingdom.

Me and the rustiest screwdriver I own are going hunting for Nevada license plates today

I’m having duck cock soup for dinner tonight with the missus

Sometimes I ask the kids at my local park if they believe in god without hurting them at all.

I quantum tunnel into my niece’s bedroom every evening to wish her a good night and give her a little peck on the cheek

I’ve got a boyclit and a girlcock

I’m the most beautiful man in human and non-human history

Every mirror I look at cracks

Just met a guy who didn’t know about the Nanny McPhee director’s cut

I don’t have PreP and I don’t have hemorrhoids Stop bothering me!

Today I’m going to try to make a chicken from scratch.

I had a vision of five hundred shaved monkeys dipped in iodine.

Every night, I sleep on a meat hook.

I’m the only kind of Chinese that matters

I had an old friend who died in a terrible accident playing fruit ninja with his dad.

You don’t want to be within a 5 mile radius of me when the new Alvin and the Chipmunks trailer drops. I will make no apologies for the chaos

My cum shoots so fast, it’s illegal in a school zone!

Locking my chud son in a near-bottomless pit until he eats his own fingers out of hunger to teach him a lesson about the importance of family

Blood is always the answer

Let’s be more violent and cruel to each other

Woke up this morning to the white boy meet up alarm blaring at 290dB! Unfortunately, I forgot the alarm was pointed at my neighbor Darla’s house. Darla is dead now, but I will be resurrecting her on my nieces twitch stream tomorrow.

I’ve got some sunglasses that act like the ones from They Live but it allows me to see secret Italians.

I think hernias are the next big fashion trend. Hear that everyone? Start shitting NOW!