I wish blueberries were easier or more worthwhile to eat

when the bartender tells you that you’re “somewhat” pacing yourself ….. what does that even mean?! oh no

chanting "my sleep score doesn't define me" over and over to trick my body into waking up

fell asleep reading on the couch, using my book like a blankie (like father like son)

I packed a fucking jeweler’s loupe but not my AirPods ???!!!!!

using my bag of garrett’s popcorn as a barf bag and there’s nothing you can do to stop me

Last week I was drinking water out of my Medieval Times stein bc it was my only clean glass and this week I’m drinking water out of it because I learned that it’s fun and whimsical.

those lil dudes in a bugs life (1998) are the proto-minions

angel investor in the streets, tax exempt superpac in the sheets

never order the chicken tiki masala pizza, it will ruin your life (good)

brb chugging this 12% real juice thc soda so I don’t get scurvy

mr business liked your post

having 2Gbps internet really rules until you get accustomed to it and wither away whenever you travel

gonna normalize saying “honey I’m home!” while returning to your empty hotel room. plz repost and spread the word

started sending reels to my finsta account so when I’m drunk later I get a nice curated collection of peak content

you ever listen to bon iver in the shower?

what if like instead of calling tv episodes pilots we switched it to a different profession, like …. carpenter

csi gonna investigate my suspicious death and find my Google Chrome tab “how to hot box the cpap”

my dad’s not a phone duh

shrink wrap is a lie

im gonna tell the apple store genius bar guy all about my life story and ask him which iphone storage tier would best fit my lifestyle

fondly thinking about my old iPhone 15 pro. I don’t regret upgrading & I love my orange iPhone but I still miss my old titanium slab

mr business@mr.business · last yr.

I’m in the final twelve hours with this iPhone 15 Pro and I’m getting emotional saying bye to it. it has been a good phone. I bought it on my birthday before having a rly good birthday party with all my friends and good cheese curds and I stayed at a tiki airbnb and used a USB-C iPhone. gonna miss u

told the airport bartender I’ll have what he’s having and now I’m stuck working a double shift on four hours of sleep

I’m so dumb I think the alphabet goes from C to shining C

damn I never knew they spelled it “sneese”

we are holding ourselves back by not celebrating Christmas year round

Emoticons just don’t hit in the world of emojis. Give me that high fidelity image

I tried to take a timelapse of my Guinness settling but accidentally took a slowmo and it’s three and a half minutes long lmao

you ever think about porgs

frerbruarry