john
@mrjohn.bsky.social
Care to buy me a coffee? buymeacoffee.com/johndarbyd
her: any idea why there were so many police helicopters flying over our house last night? me: *taking a wooden spoon out of the dishwasher* someone must've done something really bad
him: let's shake on it me: ok *spits on hand* him: why did you spit on my hand?
Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11
that's right, your wife left you because you needed 2 trips to bring the groceries in from the car
It's important for men to talk about feelings but also to shut the fuck up
waiter: would you like to allow the wine to breathe? albert desalvo: no
me: I crashed into another car her: was it moving? me: yes, I was very upset
carefully and agonisingly trying to decide which side to take between the one that is doing genocide and the one that genocide is being done to
in the middle of an important meeting I pass my boss a post-it note. It simply says 'girl cats have wherskers'. He nods
just gonna get a glass of water from the kitchen and drink it on my way back so I can sit back down on the sofa with an empty glass
just experienced a home invasion and I never want to go through that again. what if I'd been caught?
using a hotdog as an intercom to say "janice, cancel my 2 o'clock" and then eating it
me: I want to have sex with you her: let's wait til we're married priest: yes, can we get on with the ceremony please
[1st day of tuba class] me: *holding a potato* I've made a mistake
In the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they never should've taken that away
Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11
gymnastics is ok but they should also do different types of nastics
her: I'm worried you're going to ruin our wedding me: why? her: you always mess up the most important words me: do I? her: exactly