Tessera

That's Nelson Eggs

@nelsoneggs.bsky.social

I will not stop drawing eggs doing stuff until my hands fall off and I'm blind and there's nothing you can do about it except cut off my hands and throw acid in my face he/him patreon.com/thatsnelsoneggs

1295 Posts409 Follower 618 Folgt

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · yesterday

This week has been a bunch of shit I don't want to talk about but I do want to complain about endlessly because it fucking sucked and it's not over. I am so tired.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 6d ago

When I worked at Walgreens, customers often needed help allowing the photo kiosks access to their phone's pictures and it's helped me understand everything I hate most about the internet now. If they had an iphone, connecting the cable would bring up a box asking for permission to access photos.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 6d ago

Used the last of my tomatoes this year to make tomato jam because I'd never had any and I guess I could've been making this all along, like now I have to get some things to put this on looking forward to a sandwich

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 6d ago

Who else got to see Michael Jordan play baseball in person?

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 2w ago

From 2021. Found this house on zillow but couldn't afford it. #webcomic

6 panel comic:
1. Two nelson eggs walk into an empty house. The nelson egg in front says, "now, you've got to watch your step in this house."
2. The nelson egg in front gestures at the floor with both hands and says, "it's just that some parts of the floor are imaginary." The other nelson egg is touching a wall behind him.
3. The nelson egg in front gives a thumbs up and says, "those parts are very dangerous, but they're easy enough to avoid." The other nelson egg shrugs.
4. The nelson egg in front says, "anyway, I suppose you'll want to see the toilet." The other nelson egg has stepped into one of the imaginary parts of the floor and their foot is disappearing.
5. The nelson egg in front is about to open another door and says, "I know your generation is really into shitting." The other nelson egg is disappearing more as they fall further into the imaginary spot of the floor.
6. The nelson egg in front has entered the room and gestures wide at a completely empty room, just like the rest of the house. This nelson egg says, "you can shit anywhere in here." The other nelson egg has disappeared completely into the imaginary spot of the floor.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 2w ago

Every time I see talk about Threads I want to post something like this but it's getting more like that shit isn't real. Like you can't convince me that many people are actually using Threads but if they are you can't convince me to give a shit.

That's Nelson Eggs@nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 7mo ago

Forever surprised anyone ever posted on threads in the first place. The existence of threads and seeing ads for it shoved into Instagram is what got me to delete my Instagram account. Like "I don't need that. I don't need any of this actually."

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 3w ago

I played so much Micro Machines (NES) it was great you would hit some syrup on the table and slow down and there was racing on billiard tables fuck let's make a movie no Chris Pratt can't be in it fuck you nevermind

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 4w ago

Made pretzels again

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 4w ago

We're like a week away from Trump saying he can log in to his bank account and just adjust the total by up to 4 digits, he's only adding 2 9's at the front and a 0 at the back, but they said he could add up to 4 digits but he only wants 3, and then everyone just shrugging, asking, "can he do that?"

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 4w ago

Watching clips of RFKjr and I'm pretty sure he's not alive anymore. I don't know when it happened, but his skin was clearly used as sausage casing and the sausage is rotting and the casing is falling apart because he hasn't caused enough harm. Harm is the preservative that's keeping him ambulatory.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 4w ago

When I posted this on YouTube I immediately received a copyright claim on behalf of ZZ Top. See if you can pick them out

That's Nelson Eggs@nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last yr.

6 years ago I downloaded 44 different versions of Viva Las Vegas and made this extremely relaxing mix of them playing at the same time. Enjoy! www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCZc...

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last mo.

My kid wanted to paint, so I asked what I should paint and was told "space dinosaur" so that's what I did, also there's some good news

A crude painting of a purple trex with a fishbowl space helmet and text that says "GOOD NEWS! RONALD REAGAN IS STILL DEAD"

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last mo.

My kid wanted to paint, so I asked what I should paint and was told "space dinosaur" so that's what I did, also there's some good news

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last mo.

Open AI not looking so good better send Sam Altman out to make some outrageous new claim about AI so the people with all the money keep the data center lights on fucking hell we live in this is exhausting

That's Nelson Eggs@nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last yr.

The people who keep giving Sam Altman billions of dollars could give me just 1 million dollars instead and they would have thrown away less money and I bet they'll enjoy my comics more than another meeting with Sam Altman begging them for just 5 billion more dollars... #webcomic

6 panel comic
1. Two nelson eggs stand in a cave. One says, "well, here it is."
2. Close up on One saying, "I don't understand why you wanted to see it so much. It's just a minor curiosity in human history."
3. From further out, you can see they are standing at the edge of a large hole in the cave. Two says, "are you kidding? This is the legendary Bottomless Pit of Samaltman! Wow!"
4. Over the shoulder shot of Two looking into the bottomless pit, saying, "They said untold wealth lies hidden at the bottom, waiting for someone to pay enough of a sacrifice."
5. Two is stepping closer to the hole as One says, "don't be stupid. It's just a fucking hole in the ground. All you'd find at the bottom is a pile of bones from all the chumps who jumped in there looking for treasure."
6. One shrugs as Two dives into the hole while shouting, "I WANT TO BE RICH!"

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 6mo ago

Saw some dumb Sam Altman shit time to repost this comic about his legacy being stupid as fuck it's so infuriating the amount of money this dumb man has been able to throw away on a stupid piece of crap

That's Nelson Eggs@nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last yr.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last mo.

From 2019. Another abandoned idea was little Mayors. Probably could still get some ideas out of little Mayor pests. One time the mayors were a nelson egg's poop that had to be killed with the claw end of a hammer. #webcomic

6 panel comic
1. A nelson egg is holding open their front door and another nelson eggs is walking through the door wearing some sort of backpack. The first nelson egg says, "come in! Come in!"
2. The first nelson egg is leading the other nelson egg through the house and explaining, "he's built his little McMansion by the wall over here. You'll see."
3. The nelson eggs stand in front of a dollhouse-sized McMansion. The first nelson egg explains, "he just got away from me yesterday. I didn't know they could build their shit houses so fast. Can you get him?"
4. The nelson egg with the backpack, apparently an exterminator of pests that build McMansions, holds something small in one hand and says, "easy! I'll just lure him out with this tax break for a corporation that wants to build a fancy new football stadium."
5. Closeup on the front door of the McMansion. There's a piece of paper on the top step in front of the door. The door is open and a man in a suit with a sash that says "MAYOR" is walking out.
6. The exterminator nelson egg's backpack is a flame thrower and he is torching the mayor and the McMansion. The first nelson egg is leaning away from the fire. The exterminator says, "get's 'em every time!"

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 8mo ago

Ideally no one would even know there was more than one of them. It would just be "see the Ghost Rider film that was contractually held back until Nicolas Cage died" and every theater has a random assortment of them playing in a random rotation. You couldn't see all of them at any one theater.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 8mo ago

One of the things I'd do with infinite money is hiring an actor to make a bunch of movies in secret to be released after their death and it would be something like Ghost Rider starring Nicolas Cage. Imagine releasing 15-20 mid Ghost Rider movies after he died.

The Simpsons screenshot of Milhouse angrily yelling, "when are they going to get to the fireworks factory?" from the Poochie episode, but "fireworks factory" has been lazily blacked out and I put "another Ghost Rider movie starring Nicolas Cage" over the blacked out text.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last mo.

Everyone remembers Hank has been kidnapped and then woke up in a room where a turtle threw up a key and he kicked it around and finally picked it up assuming he would need it but then he didn't, right? I used to update this story every Sunday. #webcomic

6 panel comic:
1. Hank, a nelson egg, stands in an open doorway holding a key in his right hand. Caption, "Hank decided to hold on to the key just in case.
2. Close up on Hank with fist clenched around the key. Caption, "He was starting to like the taste of it anyway."
3. A shot from Hank's left reveals a long hallway disappearing at a vanishing point. The door behind him is closing. Caption, "he didn't know which way he should go from here."
4. Hank starts walking the other way down the hall, which presumably also just goes on forever. Caption, "he had no reason to pick one way or the other so he just started walking."
5. Hank walking down a the hallway. Caption, "he walked for a while."
6. Hank holding his left hand open. The key is gone. Caption, "he accidentally ate the key."

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last mo.

We saw Toy Story 5 and I was right. It's actually a better setup for my idea than Toy Story 4. Jessie and Bo somehow get pregnant and now Buzz and Woody have to go to Washington to advocate for the rights of toys. Do it, cowards.

That's Nelson Eggs@nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 3mo ago

My kid finally found the Toy Story 5 trailer, and I can't say I'm surprised they didn't do my idea where Woody somehow impregnates Bo, so Woody goes to DC to appeal to Congress for toy rights and he testifies to a committee chaired by Andy, but I think it'll still be possible for Toy Story 6.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last mo.

1. Need thing 2. Check website of store that sells thing 3. Out of stock 4. Notice location has been set to the wrong store, sometimes in another state 5. Set the location to the store I always shop at because it's closest to me 6. In stock 7. Buy 8. Contemplate hermit life

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last mo.

Happy Kazaam Day! Kazaam was released on July 17, 1996. Celebrate. #webcomic

6 panel comic: This comic features a family of chicken fingers setting the dinner table. Chicken fingers are chickens with human-like fingers sticking out of their bodies. The fingers often replace legs or act as arms, but they'll also stick out and random angles.
1. An adult chicken finger asks a child chicken finger, "would you like to bring out the egg?"
2. Three chicken fingers stand around a table with assorted plates and dishes full of food. One of the chicken fingers says, "I want to thank you for coming."
3. Close-up on the talking chicken finger, saying, "it's been a pretty rough year for chicken fingers, I know."
4. Another close-up of the talking chicken finger saying "people are interested more and more in these boneless wings, and I just...I mean, what?"
5. The young chicken finger has returned and placed the nelson egg on the table. The nelson egg is laying on their back. Their arms are tied up with string. The talking chicken finger continues, "anyway, Happy Kazaam Day! Now, who wants white and who wants yolk? Oh, I see I've forgotten the mayo sauce. I'll be back.
6. The chicken finger uses two arm-like fingers to dump a can of mayo sauce onto a plate. The mayo sauce is like that canned cranberry sauce.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last mo.

Happy Kazaam Day! Kazaam was released on July 17, 1996. Celebrate. #webcomic

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 2mo ago

I feel bad for the people who are having to distract RFK Jr right now so he doesn't collect Lindsey Graham's corpse to harvest all his favorite organ meats

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 2mo ago

I want to make a bunch of movies of varying genres where literally everyone is a clown. Full clown makeup and clothes for everyone for this romantic comedy, political thriller, mafia drama, etc. Don't ask why. Eventually have to make a horror movie where the killer isn't a clown. Give me money.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Trying to imagine Mitch McConnell meeting up with Dick Cheney and Charlie Kirk in hell and they're just confused because it's everything they've ever wanted so they don't have a purpose anymore what are they supposed to do for eternity

Fun @funkelly.bsky.social · 2mo ago

a song about how to enjoy fireworks by carter vail

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Bunch of white dicks for you on this day

That's Nelson Eggs@nelsoneggs.bsky.social · last yr.

Painted this quite a few years ago now. The Dicklaration of Independence.

A crude recreation of John Trumbull's painting Declaration of Independence but all of the white men sitting around have been replaces with smooth weird cocks and balls.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Arbitrary work policies are fun, from the early days of the comic in 2019. #webcomic

6 panel comic:
1. A nelson egg wearing cowboy boots on their hands and feet struts awkwardly down a hallway. Behind them a poster depicts a man shrugging with pockets turned out. The poster says "get a cash advance...not a union"
2. The boots-covered nelson egg has entered the office of another nelson egg who sits at a desk in front of a window looking out of a skyscraper-filled skyline. The boots-covered nelson egg asks, "where are your work boots, Hank?"
3. Hank replies, "I told you I'm not wearing boots. Damn your pro-boot policy!"
4. The boots boss nelson egg gestures with one of their cowboy boot-covered hands and says, "we're a family here at Nelson Eggs. You'll wear cowboy boots or else!"
5. Hank stands up and yells "I quit!" at the same time the boots boss yells, "you're fired!"
6. Boots boss is kicking Hank's desk like a horse, demonstrating the power of wearing cowboy boots on your feet and the stability you get wearing them on your hands when you need to kick someone like a horse.

That's Nelson Eggs @nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 2mo ago

I'm just saying @realinfowars.bsky.social

That's Nelson Eggs@nelsoneggs.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Just want to say right now that I would do an Infowars Elf comic strip, no I don't have an idea for it, that is how I do comics, but I could do that if anyone wants that sort of thing