Round up any purchase today to help give broccoli haircuts to every guinea pig at Pet Parade
Neon Pines Mall
@neonpinesmall.bsky.social
Your destination for shopping, food and fun. Experience the Neon Pines experience! instagram.com/neonpinesmall tinyurl.com/neonpinesmall
If you’ve ever seen ‘Chopping Mall’ you’ll understand why the Dayton’s wing is closed to the public today
Hot Topic has unionized and staff have been replaced with scab goths
Someone wheeled a giant wooden horse into our atrium and we’re going to crowbar it open at 4pm if anyone wants to watch
You can jump in the fountain today but just once and only for five seconds
Warm, chewy and oh-so-gooey, get 90% off your Orange Julius purchase today following the transformer explosion that disabled the freezer
It’s a Wicker Wonderland at Pier 1 Imports, where there’s no better time than now to upgrade your cuck chair
At Neon Pines Mall, shopping is a journey and the destination is also shopping and we have simplified the experience by removing the journey
If you see someone who looks exactly like you, we recommend shopping separately from them
Yes, the fire doors are frozen shut, and no, all that screaming won’t make this go any faster
We don’t have the Criterion Closet, but we do have the Troma Dumpster
We are working on maintaining wheelchair accessibility but according to soil scientists our foundation is sinking sideways into the earth at eleven inches per year
Has your Shar-Pei seen better days? Come on down to Neon Pines Pet Grooming for a complimentary waddle smoothening
Please do not spit into, off of, or up inside of anything
Congrats to 12-year old Ricky Dawson on winning the door prize at Video Heaven and receiving five unrestricted minutes in the Adult section
We will open at our normal time tomorrow unless the Rapture leaves us understaffed
RELEASE THE LIST! Santa’s Naughty List, that is! Christmas is just three months away!
Your next career path awaits! Service Merchandise is looking for an Accounts Receivable clerk who isn’t easily squeamish to start ASAP
We are aware that some of you have peanut allergies so please don’t come here today because everything has peanuts in it
Land’s End is now carrying hip, edgy denim. Too edgy, in fact, because they denied January 6 happened and are now facing heavy criticism
Please refrain from throwing your Food Court trays into the elevator shaft
For the (lucky!) 7th time, Neon Pines will be prominently featured in tonight’s episode of Dateline
We have been informed that our Back To School decorations have frightened several children and military veterans and will be removed
We will have the alarms and sprinklers turned off within the hour, thank you for your patience
“I refuse to pay alimony for those bastard developments.” – Happy Birthday to Victor Gruen, creator of the Shopping Mall!
Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe and James Dean weren’t friends but Deck The Walls doesn’t know that so they’re all in every painting they have
Get ‘classy’ with Back-To-School savings on all bulk fart spray at Spencer Gifts