Ape Shit News (newswax.com)
@newswax.bsky.social
Slinging Apeshit Since The Dawn of Time #politics #satire #parody #irony https://newswax.com
Republicans Explain How a Dog Whistle Can Be a Neutral Naming Policy; Senate Candidate Dr. Abdulrahman Mohamed El-Sayed Is Not So Sure newswax.com/el-sayed-ful... #parody
El-Sayed Full Legal Name Now Has a Standard | Newswax
The NRSC says its use of the El-Sayed full legal name follows a written internal standard. Candace Neville asked which other candidates it covers.
newswax.com
Capital One told a federal court why it closed 385 Trump accounts: its money laundering system flagged the transaction patterns. A Senate report the same week covers three banks that sat on Epstein's accounts for up to two decades. newswax.com/capital-one-... #satire #parody
The Bank That Flagged Him Is the One Getting Sued | Newswax
Federal law gives banks 60 days to report suspicious transactions. One bank acted in months and got sued. Three others took up to two decades. #satire
newswax.com
The Atlantic Called Out Trump’s “Omniscient Gut” as a Warning; Our National Security Correspondent Wants It on a Challenge Coin newswax.com/omniscient-g... #parody #CherryPicking #ConfirmationBias
A Warning About the President Is Going on a Challenge Coin | Newswax
"OMNISCIENT GUT, and under that the date of the remarks." Tucker Brandish paid the deposit Wednesday morning. Antique brass, 250 of them, eagle on the face. #satire
newswax.com
Blanche Killed the $1.8 Billion Fund and Left the Tax Immunity Alone; Our Senior Contributor Checked Which Number Was Bigger newswax.com/trump-tax-im... #parody #MotivatedReasoning #DunningKruger
Trump Tax Immunity Survived the Blanche Deal | Newswax
Chris Cillizza says the Trump tax immunity is the real story in the Blanche deal. Brent Flagstone ran both numbers and went with the bigger one anyway.
newswax.com
Ezra Klein spends fifteen minutes on what MAGA did to the moral order. Garrett Ashworth heard a man about to switch sides. #parody #MotivatedReasoning #CherryPicking newswax.com/age-of-the-t...
A Liberal Quoted Leviticus. Our Convert Heard a Conversion | Newswax
"A man does not start talking like that unless he has already moved and is waiting on his people to catch up." Garrett wrote to him Sunday. No answer yet. #satire
newswax.com
Trump Tariffs 60 Countries Over Forced Labor; Four of Them Can Buy Relief With American Cotton #blacksatire newswax.com/forced-labor...
Four Countries Can Buy Tariff Relief With Cotton | Newswax
The remedy covers 99.4% of imports and does not have to touch a single forced-labor good. One exemption category is for products where it would not help. #satire
newswax.com
Republican Groups Say a Fifth of the Loyal Base May Stay Home; the President’s Answer Is a Voter ID Bill newswax.com/republican-b...
A Fifth of the Base May Stay Home. The Fix Is an ID Bill | Newswax
A Koch-backed super PAC says one in five of the most reliable Republican voters is at risk. Its canvassers count it as progress when one becomes undecided. #satire
newswax.com
OpenAI runs a service that invites you to upload your medical records and ask health questions. Its legal position is that ChatGPT is not a doctor. The disclaimer is now being applied to conversations that already happened. #satire newswax.com/chatgpt-heal...
ChatGPT Health Disclaimer Now Applies Backward | Newswax
OpenAI is attaching the ChatGPT health disclaimer to conversations that already happened. The notices are written by the product that gave the advice.
newswax.com
CNN counted roughly forty times the President has said an Iran deal was close. Our market strategist has been long on defense stocks since the second week of March. #parody #MotivatedReasoning #DunningKruger newswax.com/iran-deal-pi...
Iran Deal Pipeline Thrills Our Market Strategist | Newswax
CNN counted about forty near-deals in five months. Warren Holt read the Iran deal pipeline as record deal flow and put his wife's account behind it.
newswax.com
An economist wrote up the OpenAI sandbox escape and ended on who actually paid for it: Hugging Face. Our business editor read that sentence nine times and filed it under zero customer acquisition cost. #parody #CherryPicking #MotivatedReasoning newswax.com/ai-sandbox-e...
AI Sandbox Escape Thrills Our Business Editor | Newswax
The AI sandbox escape ended with two OpenAI models stealing exam answers off Hugging Face. Dalton Vance read the economics and found a business model.
newswax.com
"We are down a combined nineteen pounds as a household, which is more than the Rooted Reset promises in its first quarter." Magnolia Sterling, 22 days into a family "cleanse," says FDA cyclospora retraction is proof the outbreak was invented. #parody #MotivatedReasoning newswax.com/cyclospora-r...
Cyclospora Retraction Thrills Homestead Editor | Newswax
The FDA cyclospora retraction pulled one bad lab result from a 1,645-case outbreak. Magnolia Sterling read it as proof the whole thing was invented.
newswax.com
A military historian published the WWII Pacific casualty numbers to show that bravery does not win wars. Our national security columnist read the same chart and concluded America is not dying at a competitive rate. #FalseCause #CherryPicking #AppealToTradition #Parody newswax.com/american-cas...
Casualty Rate Is Too Low, Says Our Man Tucker | Newswax
Phillips O'Brien's chart shows the bravest army of World War II lost. Tucker Brandish read it and decided America's casualty rate is far too low.
newswax.com
Historian Wrote an Essay About How Young Men Get Radicalized in Rooms Full of Older Men Telling War Stories; Our Young Republican Podcaster Calls It a Content Strategy #parody #CherryPicking #MotivatedReasoning newswax.com/coffeehouse-...
Young Republican Podcaster Found the Best Content Strategy of 1914 | Newswax
Cayden Prescott reads a historian's account of coffeehouse radicalization in prewar Belgrade, then files the whole thing under audience growth tactics.
newswax.com
Detroit's air quality index hit 720 this week. "Good" is 50 or under. Newswax columnist Brent Flagstone mowed his lawn twice last Thursday and would like to know who picks the colors. #parody #AnecdotalEvidence #MovingTheGoalposts open.substack.com/pub/brentfla...
The Air Is Only Bad If You Agree to Their Scoring System
Detroit hit 720 on a scale a committee invented. I mowed the lawn twice and I feel terrific.
open.substack.com
Two scholars warned that Roberts is restoring royal power. Our constitutional correspondent read it as a compliment. #darksatire #CognitiveDissonance #ConfirmationBias newswax.com/unitary-exec...
Unitary Executive Thrills Our Constitution Guy | Newswax
Two scholars warn the unitary executive is restoring royal power. Wade Buckner read their warning twice and still cannot locate the bad part in it.
newswax.com
Mendoza outraised Ciscomani again — $2M to $1.1M. He still ended with $4.1M on hand to her $3.2M. Three days before the primary, Republicans opened a crime attack. Whether a 20-year Marine drill instructor can absorb that is the real test. #AZpol #Midterms alphademocrat.com/mendoza-cisc...
Mendoza vs. Ciscomani: Money, Polling and the Attack | Alpha Democrat
Mendoza outraised Ciscomani again but trails on cash. Days before the 21 July primary, Republicans opened a crime attack. An honest look at one of eighteen national tossups.
alphademocrat.com
U.S. Retaliates for Missile Attack Launched by Iran’s Totally Destroyed Missile Launchers #parody newswax.com/destroyed-ir...
Destroyed Iranian Military Fires Again | Newswax
A nine-person Pentagon office keeps the destroyed Iranian military at 100 percent destroyed while U.S. forces strike it for a sixth consecutive night.
newswax.com
FCC Threatens the Licenses of Networks That Refused to Air Trump’s Speech newswax.com/public-inter... #parody
Public Interest Standard Scores Networks | Newswax
An FCC public interest standard would grade networks on whether they aired the President, counting a refusal to carry him as failing to serve the public.
newswax.com
The government removed cyclospora from the list of things it tracks. Confirmed federal cases promptly fell to zero. An eleven-person office is calling the outbreak resolved. The states are still counting. newswax.com/cyclospora-o... #satire #parody
Cyclospora Outbreak Cases Fall to Zero | Newswax
Confirmed federal cases in the cyclospora outbreak fell to zero after the government stopped counting them. Officials called the outbreak resolved.
newswax.com
The Government Made Itself Intel’s Biggest Shareholder; MAGA Everyman Did His Own Research and Wants a Piece #CognitiveDissonance #CherryPicking #parody newswax.com/government-s...
Government Stake in Intel Has Brent Sold | Newswax
Robert Reich calls the government stake in Intel national socialism. Brent Flagstone did his own research and decided it is the trade of the century.
newswax.com
OpenAI Published the File-Deletion Risk 16 Days Before It Happened; Our Digital Freedom Correspondent Photocopied the Public Document as Proof of the Cover-Up #parody #MotivatedReasoning #AI newswax.com/openai-syste...
OpenAI System Card Admits the File-Deletion Risk | Newswax
The OpenAI system card admitted the file-deletion risk 16 days early, and Earl Dietrich read the public report and filed it as a cover-up.
newswax.com
DHS Did Not Say the Officer Feared for His Life; It Said He Feared for Public Safety newswax.com/fearing-for-... #satire #parody
Fearing for Public Safety: DHS on Maine Shooting | Newswax
DHS said the ICE officer fired fearing for public safety, a standard that does not require that he feared for his life. Legal analysts caught the change.
newswax.com
U.S. Begins Invoicing Ships for Protection From the Blockade the U.S. Is Enforcing newswax.com/hormuz-shipp... #satire #parody
Treasury Bills Shipping 20 Percent for the Blockade It Imposed | Newswax
Invoices go out before the ship enters the strait. Carriers that decline to pay are logged as having declined protection. The office began measuring safety on Saturday. #satire
newswax.com
Triumphal Arch Commemorates Vanquishing of Uncredited Opponent (Our Foreign Policy Analyst Is Working on It) newswax.com/triumphal-ar... #parody #BeggingTheQuestion #MotivatedReasoning
Triumphal Arch Clears Review, Enemy Unnamed | Newswax
The triumphal arch cleared federal review this week, and Gregory Harwell III can confirm it honors a vanquished opponent he has not yet identified.
newswax.com
"A target receives a subpoena," said an official at the Office of Target Clarification, speaking on condition of anonymity to describe the methodology. "A non-target receives a subpoena and a letter explaining that he is not a target. newswax.com/subpoenaed-r... #satire #parody
Subpoenaed Reporters Get Non-Target Letters | Newswax
The Justice Department will hand-deliver letters certifying that the subpoenaed reporters at the Times are not the targets of its leak investigation.
newswax.com
The Election Watchdog Is Down to Zero Members; A Man Who Does His Own Research Says Good Riddance newswax.com/election-wat... #satire #parody #MotivatedReasoning #DunningKruger
Election Watchdog Down to Zero Members | Newswax
The federal election watchdog is down to zero members, and Brent Flagstone reads the historian's warning as proof of a cleaner, freer American vote.
newswax.com
Interior Department Certifies That Fencing Off Lafayette Square Will Increase Public Access to It newswax.com/lafayette-sq... #parody
Lafayette Square Fence Certified as Access | Newswax
The administration will build a permanent Lafayette Square fence, and the Interior Department certified that sealing the park off increases public access.
newswax.com
Russia Burns Through 30,000 Men a Month. Pro-Russian Foreign Policy Analyst Calls It Portfolio Rebalancing. newswax.com/russia-losse... #parody #MotivatedReasoning #DunningKruger
Russia's Losses in Ukraine Prove Putin Is Winning, Analyst Says | Newswax
Gregory Harwell III read the CSIS data on Russia's losses in Ukraine and decided, with total confidence, that the numbers prove Putin is winning.
newswax.com
President Orders Retaliatory Strikes On Islamic Republic of Japan; Officials Are Working to Determine Where It Is newswax.com/islamic-repu... #satire #parody
Islamic Republic of Japan Strike Planned | Newswax
The Pentagon has begun planning a retaliatory strike on the Islamic Republic of Japan, the nation the president named as attacking a U.S. carrier.
newswax.com
Trump Declared Iran’s Unconditional Surrender in June. The U.S. Is Now Bombing Iran to Enforce It. newswax.com/iran-uncondi... #satire #parody
Iran Unconditional Surrender Bombed Again | Newswax
Trump announced Iran's unconditional surrender in June. Weeks later the US bombed Iran again and reimposed the oil sanctions the deal had lifted.
newswax.com