Hey, great news guys....our Mammal Nuggets are back! They're definitely, you know, pieces of quadruped ruminants, which are federally certified to be flesh sourced from the western hemisphere. So, get em while they're statutorily available! Enjoy arbys meats, because we have them

If you're uncertain whether the universe is nothing but random chaos, devoid of any sense of good, bad, justice, evil, up, or down - Ted Nugent is still alive and Dolly Parton is not. Thanks for enjoying arbys

Sure, you never had kids and your bloodline will die with you. But remember, every time you take a shit, a bit of your DNA gets flushed into the world and ends up in someone's drink, or in a fish's egg sac, or blasted up someone's ass by a bidet. Multitudes contain you. Eat arbys

Imagine, for a moment, how many people would publicly mourn you if you were run over by a truck tomorrow. Now imagine the same thing happened to a fucked-up raccoon in Seattle. Thank you for enjoying arbys

Taco Bell is pulling menu items because they're afraid of a little explosive diarrhea. Quit being a bitch - come down here and take your diarrhea like a man. Bonus points if you cover your hole with your thumb like a garden hose and blast undigested beef flaps into the next dimension. Eat arbys

All the piles of corpses littering our world's ongoing genocides and war zones are touched by how we all come together and celebrate the World Cup. Gooooooooooooooo! fuck yourselves Thanks for eating Arbys

Just in time for the 2-year anniversary of hawk tuah. Please continue to spit on that thang boingboing.net/2026/06/23/w...

We Have The Herpes: Arby's worker accused of infecting customer by spitting in food

A manager at the Arbys in Broken Bow, Oklahoma, spat in a customers food, say police, an act that allegedly resulted in the victim contracting oral herpes. The Smoking Gun…

boingboing.net

Whether you like P2V, P2A, V2V or even A2M, it's that time of year to reflect on how the universe gives not one shit about you and your zesty-ass behavior. In meaninglessness, we find true equality. Always enjoy arbys

Go get a deal at Walmart today because you think some ghost in foxhole respects that as a performative memorial ritual. The memorial is for us, not them. They don't care, they don't need it. We need it because we think nothing can have meaning without an audience. Please continue to enjoy arbys

Go to the gym, drink a protein smoothie, work on your core, eat kale. Congrats, you're dying more slowly now. Maybe you earned an extra week on the machine when you're 86. Or maybe the clot that takes you out next Monday is slightly smaller than it would have been. Either way, good job. Eat arbys

Please continue to be assured that our roadkill-based meats are processed in accordance with current federal health guidelines. All carcass penises are cut off and removed for study at the point of roadside collection. Thank you for enjoying arbys

Roast beef is brown and covered in cheeses You'll stay dead when you die, Unlike that made-up cunt Jesus. Please enjoy arbys

If you roll your eyes when a billionaire CEO does an unintended public humiliation ritual, but then cheer when other billionaire CEOs uncreatively compete to outdo him to sell you things, you're probably also entertained by watching someone jingle keys in front of you. Please eat arbys products

Our marketing people suggested we do something to encourage customers to trust us so we blew up an elementary school full of children. Please enjoy arbys

You'll probably die of a disease that could be cured or prevented by an absolutely stupid amount of money you don't have. Many corporations each spent 10 or 100 times that to make 30-second displays of flickering lights to sell you garbage during a football game. Please eat arbys for some reason

Shoot drugs directly into your dick vein. Who cares? Your government might murder you tomorrow, might as well. Thanks for enjoying arbys

It's cold as shit outside. If unauthorized civilians keep opening up the fire hydrant out front and causing a huge disruptive frozen mess all over the street, I swear to god I'll cum.

Hope you like your drinks room temperature because we are fucking DONE with ice. Please enjoy arbys

That Wendy's across the street looked pretty sus. We rocked up to that dirty terrorist beef store and sent their fenty-ass manager to jail in our gross beef jail. Fuck yeah, bro. We rule that Wendy's now. Eat arbys because we are super good at being in charge of all the beef yo.

The inexorable arrow of time plows forward toward your obliteration. Assigning an arbitrary cyclical period and attaching a cultural expectation that we feel some sort of optimism and hope for renewal is some real baby-brain shit. Eat arbys for yet another rotation around a nuclear maelstrom.

Spoiler alert: that baby dies. Eat arbys festively.

Ancient people celebrated the darkest, shortest day of the year and so should you because fuck being awake. Please enjoy arbys.

Thanks for playing along in thinking we could make this garbage existence darkly tolerable. It's been real.

No matter where you are, you're at most only about 4 miles from certain death - a distance you could easily walk in the first half of a football game. Gravity is the only thing holding us back. The stars taunt us for our inability to reach the oblivion that is the entire universe. Eat arbys

Since everyone liked that passed-out drunk bathroom raccoon so much, why not go viral by OD'ing on fent and showing hole on our new bathroom cam? Please continue to enjoy arbys

Almighty Nothing, Thank you for this bounty of whatever our economic overlords have seen fit to place upon our table or center console or whatever today. We are grateful that each mouthful has brought shareholder value to someone, and look forward to shitting it into the void. Eat arbys, amen.

🎤MIC DROP!🎤 Give thanks this week only with our new limited-time Roast Tirkey sandwich, noticeably bulging and absolutely bursting with cranberry sauce from a precision-placed hole in each bloated chunk of white meat. Thanks for eating arbys

🦃TURKEY TIP🦃‼️ Have a large frozen turkey? Get it in the fridge to thaw tonight. But don't even THINK about thrusting into that turkussy neck hole until at least Tuesday because the ice in there will fuck you up worse than the ice you lifted off that unconscious hooker in Muncie. Eat arbys.

Today is just like yesterday, except now your daily bullshit happens in a world in which several U.S. Presidents have apparently excanged fluids. Thanks for enjoying [violent retching]

Since a jury this week correctly determined that distributing sandwiches is not a crime, federal agents are now advised that we will be delivering their orders "in a kinetically enhanced fashion" at all our locations. Please continue to eat my ass.