Who gives a kid a whistle?! C’mon man… All afternoon with this little shit, up and down the street on his E-bike blasting the whistle… I’m going to hit him with my car
OGfattcatt
@ogfattcatt.bsky.social
King of the Lowbies | The Arby’s of Shitposters | Hot, for all you know He/Him
*loading dildos into a t-shirt cannon like a pirate blunderbus* “No way I’m the first person to ever think of this… no way…”
Welcome to social media. Here are your options: 1. The child porn and Nazi site 2. The site for everyone’s racist dad 3. The site for watching Ariana Grande die 4. The site where everyone is 38 5. The site where you watch furries play video games 6. The site wh- Hey wait! Where are you going!?
Me: “so I was thinking of getting into piss play…” Gf: “did you break the toilet again?” Me: “I didn’t break it! It just broke! GOD!”
Me: “I’ve invited you here to get your ideas for the big project” Coworkers: “great! I was thinking we could-“ Me: “let me rephrase: I invited you here as a hollow gesture to trick you into feeling included, like giving an unplugged controller to your little brother. I don’t want your dumb ideas.”
Genie: “you have freed me from my lamp! I shall grant y-“ Me: “the plane from Tailspin, Knowledge of how to fly and maintain the plane from Tailspin, and FAA clearance to fly the plane from Tailspin whenever & wherever I want.” Genie: “-I… uh… did you want to maybe think about-“ Me: “no. now!”
Starting an OnlyFans but it’s just unlicensed therapy at reasonable prices.
Confidence is opening a fresh point of ice cream and immediately throwing away the lid.
My fiancé, showing off her engagement ring: “-and it’s a lab made diamond. Totally ethical. He thought of everything!” [Earlier, at the diamond lab] Diamond scientist: “stuff another one of those orphans into the diamond making thing…”
This shitty Denny’s next to the freeway went out of business and now they’re turning it into a sushi place and I’m convinced it’s a mafia front because who the hell would look at a derelict Denny’s and say “well they couldn’t sell coffee to hobos here so our high end sushi place will def thrive”
Rand Paul wasted no time moving in on the “whiniest little bitch in Washington” title after Lindsey Grahams death, wow…
I like when one of my posts gets RT’d by some charity account thinking that it’s going to be a big visibility spike for their donation page. Appreciate the vote of confidence, m’guy but we’ll be lucky to break double digits on most of these…
When you think about it those hyper realistic cakes that look like random objects were the first deepfakes And just to get it out of the way: “deepcakes”. There, now you don’t have to say it.
Don’t want to brag but I think I just took one of those 7 billiard ball shits the toilet companies are always bragging about
Podcast with 20 million followers voice: “so you mean to tell me theres this guy who’s conveniently named ‘Odysseus’? And what does Odysseus do? Oh, he goes on an ‘Odyssey’? Seriously? Does Frodo go on a Frodyssey? Does Harry Potter go on a Pottyssey? lol more like Homeric Epic Fail… hard pass.”
I have a screening for TSA Global Entry next week and I posted this so that, if they use it as a reason to deny me, the newspapers will have to print it when they tell the story.
OGfattcatt@ogfattcatt.bsky.social · 2w agoJD Vance looks like he jerks off so much they have to re-tread his dick every couple years like an old tire.
“I’m Garret Forger and my family have been iron workers since the 1600.” “I’m Mike Harper and my family have been musicians since the 1800s.” “I’m Jim Shepard and my family have been farmers since the 1500s.” “I’m Bob Dickinson and I’m required by Megan’s Law to inform you that-“
I suppose I can accept that most English last names come from a family profession hundreds of years ago (ex: Smith, Fisher, Mason, etc.) but that does raise some rather alarming questions about people with the surname “Dickinson”.
An alumni of our rehab just checked himself back in after a bad DUI crash. A day or two into treatment he asks if he can have another one of our branded sweatshirts bc “the paramedics had to cut me out of my old one after the crash.” Dude… no….
JD Vance looks like he jerks off so much they have to re-tread his dick every couple years like an old tire.
Yesterday I had a brief out of body experience when I came home from an incredibly stressful day at work and my gf immediately hit me with a breathless anecdote about Mukbang performers being human trafficked on TikTok. Idk if I’ve ever been in a Fugue state but whatever that was was probably close
My ultra conservative Republican family just stumbled onto a brief clip of Comedian Josh Johnson doing one of his more non-political jokes and they loved it - going on and on about how smart and funny and nice he is. And me? I’m just waiting excitedly for them to discover the other 99% of his act.
OMW to make things super uncomfortable at the all male Christian gym
Zeus’ Law: Broke: “you should treat your fellow humans and nature with respect because we are all part of a complex, interdependent physical & social ecosystem.” Woke: “you should treat your fellow humans & nature with respect because they might be a magic sky person who grants wishes in disguise”
Indignant check out clerk wearing a rainbow pin: “it’s pronounced ‘Fa-Yay’… ‘Fa-yay’.” Me, looking for a tub of Fage Greek Yogurt: “I am SO sorry… I thought that sounded wrong but I’ve only ever seen it written… I promise I’m an ally!”
Ah fuck I let my freak certification lapse… Y’know, I gotta say, the CE requirements for this thing are a lot higher than the song alluded to… Can’t imagine what the full licensure course is like.
I can’t explain it but I think Taylor Swift is Maria Bamford doing like a Looper thing.
Doctor: “anything to report since your last visit?” Me: “a couple minor injuries. Nothing serious.” Doc: “like what?” *snatched clipboard from doctors hand and beans some dumb kid walking past the exam room door* Me: “y’know. Stuff like that.”
“Theres just… something about her, man.” “…Is it the grippy psych ward so-“ “It may be the grippy psych ward socks, yeah. Strong possibility…”