Putting kids to bed after a full day of candy and treats is like trying to settle a wet gremlin that's been fed after midnight.

If you don't mind, I farted on your counter with my fart juice. -my 5yo, casually sitting on the bathroom counter brushing his teeth

If I could start my day early without actually waking up early I'd be unstoppable.

Getting ready to hop in the shower and my toddler say ‘don’t pee on the rug, mommy.’ I've had three kids she may have a point.

Coffee and a cinnamon roll won’t solve all my problems but neither will broccoli.

I said good morning to my 4yo and he said, ‘we JUST had morning yesterday,’ so he's ready to be an adult now.

My love language is aggressively sending the same meme to different group chats until someone acknowledges my impeccable taste

Just passed a truck on the interstate hauling massive cactuses. Someone get the Final Destination people on the phone l've got their next opening scene.

Going to Walmart in a new city is basically a tourist attraction. New layout, unfamiliar aisle order, great people watching, and you don’t even have to pay for parking.

My toddler just peeled the entire bread coating off her corn dog, handed it back to me and said very seriously, ‘I don't like the skin.’

The highlight of family vacations is standing in a wildly overpriced new destination while my kids inform me, with great passion, that I never, ever let them do anything fun.

I’m sorry I’m late it doesn’t matter what time I wake up, the space time vortex will only let me arrive 10 minutes late.

Me, hauling the couch cushion to my bedroom: if I sleep on the sleepy cushion IN the bed, the sleepy has to transfer right? Narrator: it did not.

Why is it always 'you've gotta lock in.’ What if I want to tuck in. Tuck into bed and tuck three tacos into my face.

I saw someone suggest setting a timer for 20 minutes to see how much you can tidy up and I regret to inform you that it’s stupidly helpful.

“Listen to your body" 
My body: more snacks, less people understood.

I just put a ceiling fan on my toddler’s birthday list. Other parents will understand.

Either I'm in bed by 9pm, fully moisturized, or it's 2am and I'm a crumb covered gremlin with my phone 2 inches from my face.

If looking like a snack means the half-melted granola bar that’s been pancaked in my toddler’s car seat for who knows how long, then absolutely yes I am a snack.

Please pray for my son who was forced to empty the dishwasher and *checks notes* has to do literally everything around here.

I’m convinced that my kids don’t actually sleep, they just go into transfer mode and drain every ounce of energy directly from my soul.

My therapist gently: What if... you're actually not a total piece of shit? Me, begrudgingly muttering: alright, sure, maybe I’m not 𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙮 a piece of shit.

It should be illegal to still have a headache after I’ve taken my contacts out, hair down, and wiped off all my makeup. I did a full factory reset, why are you still here.

Therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now. Me: you’ve been seeing other people?

I may not have a pocket full of sunshine, but I do have lexapro.

Me: too much screen time makes your brain all gooey. My kid: then why isn't YOUR brain gooey? Touché

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please give it some botox.

Maybe if I get possessed, the demon will make that phone call l've been avoiding.

If I unclench my jaw, the entire emotional infrastructure collapses. That’s a load bearing clench.

If Gilmore Girls was set today, Lorelai would've been born in 1994. Picture her at Luke's doomscrolling TikTok while he rants about how avocado toast is green mush on overpriced bread.