The BBC hate us so much that they only had me on Question Time 38 times and have had Zia Yusuf on 8 times in less than two years, despite the fact that nobody even voted for him. Now that's what I call bias.

"Hands up if you're a prancing prick who's been spouting complete bollocks about using the Royal Navy to send migrants back to France in a desperate bid to distract attention from the sleaze your party is mired in"

I'm delighted to hear that BP doubled their profits, making £4.2bn in just 3 months. Not that I have any vested interest in it, other than the £50,000 given to us by the wife of former senior BP executive James Hay.

Pretending that the Navy taking back migrants would be a humanitarian mission and therefore legal, is a bit like pretending that a £5 million bribe is nothing to do with politics and therefore doesn't need to be declared.

I'm delighted to hear that BP doubled their profits, making £4.2bn in just 3 months. Not that I have any vested interest in it, other than the £50,000 given to us by the wife of former senior BP executive James Hay.

"Hands up if you're a prancing prick who's been spouting complete bollocks about using the Royal Navy to send migrants back to France in a desperate bid to distract attention from the sleaze your party is mired in"

It's been an absolute honour to visit Clacton fewer times than I've visited America, hold zero surgeries and do fuck all for the town.

Pretending that the Navy taking back migrants would be a humanitarian mission and therefore legal, is a bit like pretending that a £5 million bribe is nothing to do with politics and therefore doesn't need to be declared.

"Dear Diary The launch of our scheme to use the Royal Navy to stop small boats has gone exactly to plan. It is so patently absurd that it is all anyone can talk about, providing the perfect distraction from all our dodgy financial dealings"

It's been an absolute honour to visit Clacton fewer times than I've visited America, hold zero surgeries and do fuck all for the town.

"Dear Diary The launch of our scheme to use the Royal Navy to stop small boats has gone exactly to plan. It is so patently absurd that it is all anyone can talk about, providing the perfect distraction from all our dodgy financial dealings"

We have released an updated and more accurate version of Operation Fortress.

Indeed he did - things like "the one thing stopping me from being a teacher was that I could not remotely conceive of not trying to shag the kids"

Today I have mostly been telling lies about using Navy warships against dinghies and forgetting to mention that small boat arrivals are down 44% and net migration fell by 80% last year.

Oops. I just confirmed that I discussed returning to politics before I received the £5m from my crypto chum, putting a hole in my argument that I didn't need to declare it because I had no involvement in politics at that time.

"I said it's a bold move by Reform to use the Navy to return migrants. What did I say Roy?" "You said it's an unworkable load of bollocks designed to win back some racist numbskulls from Rupert Lowe and distract attention from Farage's £5m bung"

It appears that the US is run by a spoilt eight year old child.

Oh no - if I can't hang onto thick racists like Lucy, what else have I got?

You'd be amazed how many people it takes to fight a bin.

Man who shagged his girlfriend behind his wife's back lectures the Archbishop of Canterbury on Christianity.

But that would mean I already knew I was going back into politics when I accepted the £5 million, so I'd have been lying when I said I didn't need to declare it.

It was always unlawful, under the Highways Act 1980. But I don't suppose Suella would know that, being a lawyer, MP and former Attorney General.

Zia Yusuf has gone to Ceuta, because what Spain needs most right now is an entitled shit-stirrer wandering around taking selfies.

I'm absolutely furious that facts and information like this are allowed on social media while every Reform MP is working so hard to spread misinformation and lies and stir up our gullible supporters who will believe any old bollocks.

I'm at the stage where I will literally do anything for attention in my battle agaist a bin. I mean The Establishment.

I'm not saying I'm desperate, but I'm relying on dick pic enthusiast Jaymey McIvor and entitled gobshite Laila Cunningham to help me fight a bin.

Make no mistake, this woman is a shit-stirring idiot.

Reform's vote share in Greater Manchester went from 31% in the local elections in May to 21% in the Mayoral election. I can only think of five million reasons for this.

Well, they're on their way back to Morocco actually, as they never had any way to reach mainland Spain, let alone the UK, but who needs facts when you're Bobby J the King of Bullshit.

"Hands up if you threw your mayoral candidate under a bus by making all their canvassers go to Clacton to help you fight a bin"