I am not buying that this actress from the Yellowstone spinoff show isn't Rosanna Arquette. I mean, she obviously is.

Me: I get horny when I see pictures of "bras-- You: That's not so weird. Me: You interrupted me, I get horny when I see pics of brass flugelhorns. You: That would explain why you are currently jacking off to that Conn Selmer catalog.

Best way to get over someone is to get under the bridge by red hot chili peppers on CD and blast that fucker while you do 90 down the pacific coast highway.

"Oh you don't approve? Why? Is it because she's KOREAN!"

Patrick Hastie@patrickhastie.bsky.social · 6d ago

"Mom, Dad, meet my fiance Rachel Dolezal"

Growing up we called our basement "the dungeon" because it's dark and scary and also because in 1483 both Edward V, King of England and Richard of Shrewsbury, Duke of York died in it.

"Mom, Dad, meet my fiance Rachel Dolezal"

I will give Mel Gibson $100 million to make a historically accurate version of Downsizing.

Messi plays lawyer ball.

QUIT 👏 BRAGGING 👏 ABOUT 👏 YOUR 👏 EXPLOSIVE 👏 DIARRHEA 👏 MY 👏 CULTURE 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 YOUR 👏 COSTUME 👏

A book called "How I Survived 9/11" and it's about how I was in my high school in Iowa that day and had to work at Pizza Hut that night.

I saw the sun and thought it was the moon.

Still having hopes and dreams at 41 years old is mortifying.

This explosive diarrhea epidemic is the sign I needed to finally start my small business. Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you Diva Cups for Shit™!

We have learned that the word "pot" is now being used as a sort of code word for marijuana. Like how we adults say "brewskis" when we are talking about ice-cold beers. So please monitor your children's devices for the word "pot." We also confirmed that "bussy" is a portmanteau for "boy pussy."

Giuseppe: Papa, is the soccer on? Me: Not tonight. (begins to cry) Me: What's the matter, my boy? Giuseppe: If there is no soccer, then that means there is no James Corden on Fox After Hours. (Giuseppe sobs) Me: Oh, buddy. You love James Corden, don't you? Giuseppe: Yes, Papa. He is my hero.

I really miss the old days of Twitter when you could fire off a tweet like "piss is the shit of the dick" and then sleep soundly as the likes (favs) rolled in.

Me at 20: Young, dumb, and full of cum. Me at 40: Old, cold, and poisoned by mold.

Lindsey Graham has passed away. He died peacefully in his sleep after a pregnant chinchilla climbed inside his pee hole, scurried up his urethra, and went into labor in his prostate gland. The two healthy pups and their Mama then fed on his internal organs until he was hollow. He was my best friend.

I want a James Bond film set in Iowa. Have that limey fuck deal with all the chigger bites he gets crawling around the Loess Hills looking for Blofeld. Show him trying to order foie gras at a Hy-Vee Market Grille. Let his Aston Martin get pulled over by a Boone city cop going through a divorce.

I am pretty sure that I am the only person on earth to watch all of the James Bond movies, for the first time, in order, on youtube where each movie is broken up into 12 to 15 nine minute videos.

My senior quote was "$1,500 for the weekend and I get to bring my own feature".

There is nothing like the first 11 minutes of any world cup game where I try and figure out which team is which!

We should 3D print a gun that blows your brains back in. 🙏

can you imagine doing something insane like climbing to the very tippity top of the Empire State Building and flying a flag that says an earnest, albeit somewhat corny, statement wishing for peace for it to immediately becomes a copypasta for every local tire shop, radio station and MLM in America.

Remember when Charlize Theron got nominated for an Oscar for playing that horrible sociopathic monster Megyn Kelly?

Look. I am an amazing salesman. It's a fact. I could sell ketchup to a woman who doesn't have a hot dog. That's how good I am. However, she would need to have a hamburger. Or french fries. If she aint got those, I'm fucked. I gotta get rid of all this ketchup. I'm drowning in it. No, not literally.

The Supreme Court is like, "OK this week we decided to slice off your left leg, your right arm, and gouge out one of your eyes, BUT, we WILL NOT be stabbing you through the heart with a rusty railroad spike." and centrist Dems will be like, "Yes! Huge Supreme Court win today! Please send me money."

Can someone please do that thing they did for Geese to my punk Garth Brooks cover band The Barfkrooks so that I can start living the life I deserve?

Have I heard the jokes on Tony Hinchcliffe's new special? Yes. I heard them every Thursday night from 2014 to 2016 at my open mic in the basement of The Creek. They are the "jokes" told by brand new comics, who are too green to know what hack is. Or "jokes" told by people who do 3 mics and quit.

As a huge Night Court fan, I would love to go to Turkey one day and attend the famous I Stan Bull convention.