The morning is a liar. It'll try to convince you that what you wrote the night before isn't as funny as you remembered. In reality, someone changed it while you were sleeping.

I will continue returning mirrors to Amazon until my dissociation is cured.

The night was dark, black as an overlooked inventor. "I'm in danger," she cried. "No!" I shouted, "That was the safest possible punchline!"

My waking life provides sufficient illusion; I can't suffer myself to dream. That's the only reason she saw me "prowling for entitussy" in the spirit realm, okay? I was bored.

Start stealing from her purse on the first date. If she breaks up with you, use that money to repay yourself for the meals she stole. Otherwise, consider buying her a nice stuffed animal ($25-55). #RelationshipAdvice

Some truly disturbed people are planning to make false allegations about me. We're determined to learn what these lies are and when they'll be told. In the meantime, please remember that it's total bullshit, whatever it turns out to be.

My neighbor called in a noise complaint because I was screaming desperately into the void. Like, I'm sorry I repeatedly woke your family, but who screams into the void for fun?

One guard always tells the truth, one guard always lies, and the third one does both with equal confidence. Corporate felt that AI would improve our perfectly good labyrinth.

It's bad to laugh at funerals. You might say, what about Hitler's funeral? Well, Hitler didn't have a funeral. His body was burned without ceremony, which makes you a liar.