If Pete Davidson was your priest would you start going to church again
We used to drink out of the hose and only scurry back into the sewers when somebody fired a warning shot
We used to drink out of the hose and only come home at night when the neighborhood child killer started plying his gruesome trade
I don’t think I cried as much when my mother died as I did reading those LBJ books what is wrong with me
Me: I dreamed there was a burger called son of baconator Free therapist app for the criminally unemployed presented by Wendy’s: what if I told you that wasn’t a dream
Do not tell the workers at Home Depot that you need whatever you’re buying for art. Tell them you need to put more holes in the walls of your cigarette room or something
‘Soon there was circulating what Schlesinger calls ‘a terrible story in which Johnson made Salinger eat a plate of bean soup at a White House luncheon out of pure delight in the exercise of authority’
Morrowind taught me that conversation can be fun. Before morrowind I was planning on cutting my tongue out the minute I turned 18
My issue with ‘clanker’ is that it sounds like something that was written for a phone game where you have to buy gems to progress. Every time I see someone use it I brace myself to see an ad for a slot machine game called Treasures of the Orient
Chani: tell me of the dressings of your home world Paul: well you got ranch, buttermilk ranch, peppercorn ranch, balsamic vinaigrette, green goddess, thousand island- Chani: what is this ‘island’ Paul: don’t ever interrupt me
They’re building a golden calf in the salad dressing aisle of your local super market
Me: do you have any pagan salad dressings Trader Joe’s employee: I’m not sure if it’s pagan but this one’s called green goddess Me: hmm let me look it up what pantheon is she from
People who like vinaigrettes and people who like creamy dressings should fight a war for the soul of America
I try not to speak ill of the dead but Curry is a food name
Tim Curry and Johnny Noodles are both gone now. Ryan Appetizers is the only surviving member of the Menu Boys left and soon I fear he too shall pass through the gates of eternity…
I like to think that some people found my new account by searching LBJ and then scrolling until they saw ball pit