Flies love stink. I bet we don’t smell bad to them, just boring.

Unfollow your heart

I feel like a king. Inbred.

I drove here in my Nissan Placenta. Except that isn’t a real car. So I wonder how I got here.

I’m not a bird watcher But if a bird showed up, I’d look at it. So what?

I like to buy kites Then throw them away without opening the packet Who’s not reaching their potential now, you dumb kite?

It's easy to forget that ‘The Beatles’ is a truly awful name for a band.

Mighty oaks grow from tiny acorns. But brace yourself for "Nice try you dumb acorn you just got eaten by a squirrel"

Put your best foot forward. ...and by implication keep your worst foot back. Nobody wants to look at your rubbish foot.

Some people get famous for things they didn't do like the Virgin Mary

Plumbers are expensive. Poo bags are free at the park.

Toxic masculinity rife in snake community

you tend to have more money as you get older So La Mer anti-ageing cream works in one respect

Did you know they make slower-paced video games for when you get older? I’m currently playing Sonic the Hedge.

I bought a ticket and now I think I own the train.

I would never help an old lady across the road. What if she’s on her way to do racism?

I met a guy called Sirius, named after the star and his sister HD168746

If you live on a street that joins onto Sesame Street, I bet you have to fumigate for muppets.

Actually ‘Vampire’ is a really offensive term. We prefer ‘Bloodslut’

I was a werewolf in my twenties but wolves don’t live that long, so every full moon now, I turn into a pile of wolf bones.

I’m looking at a hairless cat Wondering if this is how we make monkeys feel

Red Cross and Red Crescent should combine into Red Croissant

kindness costs nothing, as long as there are enough lifeboats.

I do reverse origami. I unfold a crane into a big fleshy sheet. A lot of people don’t realise you can do that and it’s always a surprise to the crane.

In five billion years the sun will die. Won't be my problem, obviously but I feel bad for God and vampires.

“Shit just got real” I said, unaware that shit has been real for millions of years.

You can’t trust what you see in the mirror. I mean, look at how badly it cocks up text.

Birds shouldn’t eat other birds. I mean- I get it with fish- there’s nothing else in the ocean. But birds? Come on. Have you even tried looking in bins?

The friends we made along the way made other friends along the way. I feel so betrayed.

I’d be a lot braver if fingers grew back, or even if I just thought they did.