Two roads diverged in a wood and I — I being a total fuckwad, took the wrong one of course.

Me: I have what? Doctor: IBS Me: This is no time for bullshitting Doc

Ok I'll bite. Baby is on board with what?

I mean, what child doesn't love an abused fish?

I wish I loved anything half as much as little kids love showing you how fast they can run.

still find it hard to believe that some people look down at their innocent newborn baby boy and think ahh yes I'll call him Geoff

[milking grimace] oh god too much milk

Inventor of getting attacked by a bear: Hey let’s go for a hike in the woods Inventor of not getting attacked by a bear: No thanks

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

dang exactly how much 69-ing did Bryan Adams do that summer??

Turtle 1: It’s cool how we always carry our house with us Turtle 2: Which is also our coffin Turtle 1: What the fuck’s wrong with you, Jeff?

FOUND: Flying fish. Colorful feather-like scales. Can talk w/ limited vocab. Sneaky eyes. Refuses to stay in water.

Malcolm Towards The End

[hiking in bear-filled woods] Friend: Wait do you have food in your pockets? Me: Haha no why would I have ham in my pockets? Friend: I didn’t say ham Me: Ok detective

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for? Zookeeper: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Take me down to the Paradox City where the grass is green and the grass isn't green

Boss: Let’s put this matter aside for the time being Me: [looking around nervously] Can only you see the time being? Boss: Huh? Me: Is it standing near me? Boss: Who? Me: [on verge of panic attack] The time being

[inventing the hot air balloon] I don't give a fuck where I go

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I'd love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Me: If I give you another piece of fruit, do you promise not to throw it? Chuck Berry: Maaaaybe

the world is an umpire

a reading from Paul's first letter to Penthouse Forum

[misfortune cookie] that wasn't pork

everyone assumes my shirts are always covered in dandruff and that's fine I just let them because it's actually parmesan

the clash: should I stay or should I go now? me: what'll happen if you go? the clash: there will be trouble me: and what'll happen if you stay? the clash: it will be double me: well I'm no genius but the answer seems pretty obvious to me

We are all God's children. Except for you, Jeff. You were adopted.

Goofing off in high school?

I would not trust the first person who called them "sneakers". What are you up to in those things?