"They're really into kidnapping." -My mum's neighbour describing Americans
If I were a toy in Toy Story, I would gaslight people. If I were a hopper in Hoppers, I would gaslight people. If I were one of the Incredibles, I would be a cannibal.
Four people I know have given birth in the last three weeks. For the low price of £1 million, I will publicly rank those newborns by worthwhileness.
Given Nolan's commitment to realism, especially in sound, we have to conclude he actually threw a dog off a cliff.
How many UK sim cards must a man buy before you can call him a man?
Hearing Mark Kermode talk about football is a recession indicator.
"I'll be there without bells on." - Me, son of a Morris dancer, during my rebellious teenage phase
Given that the new Moana flopped, I'd like to propose a new concept: the live action de-make, where they charge the public 450 million dollars to remove all mentions of the 2019 Lion King.
When is Cate Blanchett not amazing? When she's ajar.
Got drunk two nights in a row with no hangover. Finally in my no consequences era.
My phone autocorrects 'can' to 'can't'. Am...am I the problem?
Business idea: a fleet of baby hairdressers called the Sweeney Toddlers.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? I've finally learnt to tolerate you.
I'll hand it to BBC Writer's Room; it's pretty funny to change the way you note a failed submission on your website after years, just to give thousands of artists false hope for a shimmering second.
Remember when in Shrek 2 it was evil to make Shrek look different?
Become ungoogleable. This is actually really easy to do, given how shitty Google has become.
Four years ago today, I fell in love and was roundly rejected.
Just realized that PG would actually be a great rating to say a film is PornoGraphic.
Honest question: do you think anyone realused they were Trans because of Emilia Pérez?
The man at the hardware store asked if I had a membership. I need to dress better.