True story: My mom called me and then when I was unable to answer, my wife, in a panic at work because her wife was "stuck" in an inflatable tube and needed rescuing before she got a sunburn. Instead of, you know, popping the plastic tube.
Subaru Bummer
@sighfieri.bsky.social
Back off War-child, seriously. 🌭 No Gods 🌭 No Masters FUCK ICE & FREE PALESTINE https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/149706676-sigh-fieri
I did read the article, hence the HAHA. I could care less if they expected to lose more and see it as a win for the brand. They can get fucked and Im very glad they lost money for partnering with a corrupt adminstration The. Headline. Is. Still. True
Freakstone@freakstone.bsky.social · 4h agoTry reading the article. They expected to lose more money. They still see the event as a win for the brand. Read. Beyond. Headlines.
Picture this: It’s Career Day 10 years from now. Slipknot’s "Duality" plays on a boombox and I burst in wearing a full jumpsuit & mask, headbanging wildly. Turning to my kid: "Whoa, your dad’s in Slipknot?!" Her head in her hands, mortified: "No, he just really likes them."
Slipknot Clown
ALT: Slipknot Clown
static.klipy.com
My daughter gets to sleep on the ultimate family heirloom tonight: the Point Break VHS pillow. Please, try to contain your jealousy.
Time is a thief, and I’m pretty sure the stages of grief need to update to include "dropping your 20m.o. off for her first day of daycare stage." 😭😭😭 Feels bad. It’s all happening way too fast, I’d like her to just stay small forever please and thank you.
They keep scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel, proving there’s no limit to the damage they can do. Disgusting. apnews.com/article/head...
Trump overhaul could gut Head Start preschool standards, leaving states to set the rules
President Donald Trump's administration is planning to overhaul the Head Start program. Two people familiar with the deliberations tell The Associated Press the Republican administration's proposed ch...
apnews.com
My wife hits me with “WE need to get that fly” like we’re in a co-op raid, vanishes while I do all the heavy lifting, then respawns post-slay to soak up the XP and steal the loot. Stolen fly-killing valor.
Our daughter starts daycare this week (😭) & we’re brainstorming absurd lunches to make the staff question our sanity: • Black coffee & loose cigarettes • Whole rotisserie chicken • Live lobster & butter • Full charcuterie board • Caviar & a Kraft single Suggestions?
If your spouse is giving you a hard time and you’re eating, sprinkle some crumbs into their lap. You were already losing. Might as well make it worse.
shirt idea: I dont kneel for the flag! I only kneel for the dicks I suck!!! 🇺🇸🇺🇸 *aggressive gagging noises*
I am so excited to be to rank my friends again. If they piss me off I can passive aggressively move them down in my top 8! What a time to be alive! www.eonline.com/news/1434548...
Myspace Is Coming Back and If You Don't Know What That Is, You're Too Young to Click In
Gone but never forgotten, Myspace’s owners confirmed they still plan to relaunch the site that once dominated the social spheres of the 2000s.
eonline.com
What happens when you put me in charge of the baby shower card…
"Liberal Republican" and "Conservative Democrat" aren't real. They're just Republicans changing masks to fit the day. If your political label has to sit on both sides of the aisle, you chose the wrong side. You can miss me with that shit every time.
"I’ll be there in a minute, just taking my daily multi-vitamin," I say, aggressively swallowing an Ibuprofen and my SSRI.
Spinach truly sucks. Popeye was 100% an industry plant funded by Big Leafy Green to push the agenda. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.
Had a dream I went for a haircut and the stylist pulled a literal 2-foot hair out of my ear. I gasped, “Wow, that’s really long!” and they just laughed and said, “Not really.” Even my subconscious ear hair can’t measure up. Doctor, what does this mean?
The best STD record is a clean STD record. The second and third best are Stay What You Are and Through Being Cool.
Sometimes it’s really hard to tell. Other times, it’s immediately obvious someone is absolutely drowning in pussy.
Dads are up and out here buying 3/8 hex bolt 6” lag screws, 9/16 drive impact sockets, and 5/16 extended drill bits… Please try to contain your arousal fellas.
Nobody since the 90s 🤝 my daughter in her sleep sack when were trying to rock her to sleep…
Cant believe they have Halloween stuff out at stores already. This is Labor Day erasure!
You ever have to dig through the clean laundry basket for underwear while wearing nothing but a T-shirt? Just cheeks out, like Winnie the Pooh.
I don’t have anger issues. I just want to throw away every piece of Tupperware we own when I still have to dry it after it comes out of a dishwasher with a drying cycle.
When a LOTR fan tries to relate to (or flirt with) a goth by nodding and saying, “Ah yes… I too wait for the Stroke of Doom,” just to see if it lands.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye when I said, “You need to finish your milk,” and hit me with a perfectly timed “no,” lips still frozen in that little O shape. It’s absolutely over for us. She’s officially a toddler, we’re so cooked.
Bugs Bunny Says NO
ALT: Bugs Bunny Says NO
static.klipy.com
If you FW Cheez-Its (and why wouldn’t you?) and you find Black Pepper Cheddar flavor out in the wild, don’t hesitate. Respectfully, they’ll be the best thing you put in your mouth today.
I had to eat the last 4 lemon squares, the sell by date was 07/10! It's called being fiscally responsible.