Sounds crazy I know

If you voted for Trump three times, then you should be in jail

Haven’t lost my virginity yet because I never lose!

If your cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud?

Do Transformers have car insurance or life insurance?

My daughter is studying to be a surgeon. I just hope she makes the cut.

I have a pet termite. I named him Clint. Clint eats wood.

You can’t spell hatred without red hat

I’m somehow getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand!

People don’t fake depression. They fake being OK. Remember that. Be kind. 🙏

F U

Tesla drivers eat Snickers upside down so they can feel that veiny texture on their tongue

I can’t call someone a dumbf*ck at work, so instead I say, “Walk me through your thought process.”

People only write congrats because they can’t spell congrajlashins

Pedoph*les are often mistaken for Santa Claus because whenever they enter a child’s room, they leave with an empty sac

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

Why don't trees watch scary movies? Because they get petrified.

I used to be a clockmaker. It was a great job because I made my own hours.

Be sure to eat before boarding the train in Budapest or you’ll leave hungary.

The large pickle is so pompous. It thinks it’s a big dill.

A woman threw away her toaster because it kept burning her bread. She came to find out that she’s black toast intolerant.

I used to be a baker, but I quit because I didn’t make enough dough.

I woke up with a face full of rice. I must’ve fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

At the party, the drunk optometrist made a spectacle of himself.

When my icehouse falls apart, igloo it back together

I only lift weights on Saturday and Sunday because Monday through Friday are weak days.

Without his suit, Iron Man is stark naked.