$45 co pay for my spin doctors appointment

the elusive chameleon has incredible vision - his world is an unimaginable rainbow chameleon: uh this fucking white guy is filming my branch

me: babe it’s my commercial, wait for it narrator: tell you doctor if you ate 51 pieces of beef jerky wife: what are you eating under that blanket honey

Detective: you heard of familian dna? Jared 9/11 Sr: fuck, jared i’m guessing, my boy

i’m full blankmaxxing, how am i doing? uhhhhhhhhhhh it says im doing bad. what am i up to? uhhhhh it says killing it. where’s my finance report for the board meeting? uhhhh bonk right here and yes those numbers might be real.

jack reacher (between novels): put this one back i guess (putting a shopping cart in the cart stall because its the right thing to do)

[✅] I do not know if I’m a robot.

judge: let it be said the defendant is guilty of all 0x7F charges Jury (scrambled wall of incoherent sprite segments): ☮️☸️✝️🪯☪️✡️ attorney whispering: that’s negative 30 million. that’s good. your free.

Default Ringtone (ft. John Mayer) Marimba (ft. John Mayer) Wood Block (ft. John Mayer) Your Body Is A Wonderland Flutes at Dusk (ft. John Mayer)

i’ve been broke for a while and thought i’d do something free, so i dug out my old roller blades and found a bloodstain containing $345,201. i was pretty amped, so i didn’t wear pads and died immediately. woke back up and fell down the stairs before collecting it again.

Genesis 378:11 okay i got a chipmunk up to like a cat size. ground…hog. groundhog. day 13.

about 15 years ago i accidentally took 31 pictures of the edge of my couch with a blank wall behind it. my phone alerts me on what must be the anniversary with “wall memories” every year.

um, one hot dog with everything vendor (taking off wedding ring): good luck

me (a frog that got kissed by a princess and turned into a human): what a magical spell have you cast upon me my love princess: ew gross im into frogs no thanks

me: this is off the record right journalist: yes, off the record me (eating an entire bag of pizza pretzel combos without breathing) journalist: i wish i could write that down :(

showing my stepson a photo of me as a child boy: black and white me: what? no it’s in color. what? boy: blackandwhite means old me: no. what? boy: lol byeeeeeeee

(during a brief power outage in the year 2031) me: why dark distant person: why dark me: HELP distant person: HELP

Getting in the elevator and pressing the “sad face” button guy getting in just after me: sad face please me (crying): i got u

cow -> beans -> stalk -> goose eggs -> sell eggs -> buy cow

i said i’m gonna need a second opinion and my doctor said “okay, your wife is ugly”

Rumplestiltsk1n: are u fucking serious god dammit yeah that’s me

i have two ai assistants, one always lies and one apparently also always lies. or are they lying? i really gotta email this soon.

Phone Alert right after I said a joke at some work thing 🪊 Dipshit Fuckup Detected [ Remind me later ]

use one hand for the wet part, and one hand for the dry dredge. which one hand you choose is up to you.

Your entire ceiling is a tv, you have to lay on the floor to watch it and everyone does it now, it is entirely normal and in fact is pretty much the entire economy now bud.

my doctor: you’re gumption levels are dangerously low me: you mean “your”? my doctor: the fucking balls on this guy

me: mom are you sure it says vengeance mode my mom: it keeps tackling people that harmed me me: god dammit. don’t buy shit like that. unplug it? my mom: unplugging worked (picture of a baby) martin 5 pounds, too small call your cousin

me (rogue human actor): sorry i was sneezing there hope it’s salvageable guy doing the claymation: we can’t use any of this now god: so none of this was monetized?!

reading the little tag on my pillow i just noticed it says “do not expose to dreams”, sure enough i’ve been completely fucked up since i bought it, like apoplectic to the point of complete disfunction

youtube feed british horse tries texas bbq for the first time texan horse listens to fleetwood mac’s Rumours for the first time fixing over 300 capacitors on a 1977 lks20670 set to steely dan’s peg on loop for sleep he ate fish and chips and this is what happened to his eyes me: ugh come on