Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
Advice: Some people would be better off if they took their own advice.
What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes? Douglas.
Got a new suit recently made entirely of living plants. I wasn’t sure at first, but it’s grown on me
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
So, I heard this pun about cows, but it’s kinda offensive so I won’t say it. I don’t want there to be any beef between us.
Advice: If you're feeling tired or anxious, a pint of water will almost always make you feel better.
Advice: If you are feeling down, try holding a pencil between your top lip and your nose for five minutes.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Advice: Lemon and salt works wonders on tarnished brass.
Why was the strawberry sad? Its parents were in a jam.
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.
"Dad, I'm cold." "Go stand in the corner, I hear it's 90 degrees."
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why did the belt go to prison? He held up a pair of pants!
Advice: You have as many hours in a day as the people you admire most.
What did the Red light say to the Green light? Don't look at me I'm changing!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I saw a documentary on TV last night about how they put ships together. It was rivetting.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut? I'm a cashew!
Advice: Giving someone a hug can be mutually rewarding. Try to give at least one hug a day to someone.
A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.