“Go on, then, Mega. Choose something!” “What's that cane?” “It's actually a gun.” “And that umbrella?” “As a matter of fact, a gun!” “Candlestick.” “It's a gun.” “Coffee cup.” “It's a gun!” “Apple.” “Gun!” “Paperclip.” “Gun.”

Those parties, senior year, I thought we ruled the world / You funneled all that beer, I held your head when you hurled

“Tom did two tours in Iraq.” “Oh, thank you for your service.” “I didn't do it for you.”

“What's this trip all about? One, two, three;” “Dying!” “Eating grass.” “Skinny dipping!” “I'M A MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!”

What do you say when you love eachother? / What do you say when years have passed?

I lost a shoe two months ago! I didn't say anything about it and no one asked me, so… I've been walking around with one shoe.

I hope you're happy how you hurt your cause forever, I hope you think you're clever!

Cause I'm your dad and you're my son / And our lives have just begun

Well… it seems the artichoke is steamed.

Thoughts of you subside, then I get another letter / And I cannot put the notion away

Congratulations for the rest of your life

As you can see, I kept a record of every check in my checkered history / Check it again against your list and see consistency

“I tell ya, this trip's gonna be the best thing that ever happened to us. That's why we're going down the trail.” “Yes. And we also have no choice because our farm burned down.”

We know it's lose-lose / But if you had to choose

I don’t wanna fight, but I won’t apologize for doing what’s right

Sorry to cut you down, old boy. Thanks for a lovely afternoon of letting off some steam; it was the bee's knees.

Yes, that was charming, but to be frank, on some level, that number pisses me off.

I used to pray for the day you'd leave, swore up and down you did not belong / But when I'm wrong, then I say I'm wrong, and I was wrong about you

While we're talking, let me offer you some free advice; Talk less. Smile more.

“We're gonna hack all his limbs off!” “Did you say hack all his limbs off?” “Yeah, we're gonna hack all his limbs off!” “Can you stop saying it?!”

“I'll miss you.” “No, you won't. You'll be having too good a time.”

“Have you ever spent any time in Toledo?” “Have you ever spent any time in a coma?” “No, but I have a cousin in Seattle!”

I love my dress… would someone tell me why I put it on?

“That's why, kids, we have to learn to forgive God.” “Despite the situations he's put us in.” “The FUN situation that will lead us to a better life!”

I just want someone to touch me. Anyone! Please!

Because I will be goddamned if he does not have a merry fucking Christmas! And a happy New Year!

Sure, I meant well, but look at what well-meant did

I used to want to kiII them all while high on bath salt zombie drugs snacking on a dead man's face

I know that, behind closed doors, repressed chicks are the biggest freaks. Nuns, librarians. Watch some porn.

Can we agree that duels are dumb and immature?