i'm developing new strategies for earning passive-agressive income

i've always told festivals and clubs that my bio is "known for her dark wit and bizarre odor" but they always edit it to something like "fearless stage presence". cowards

i work under at least four different guys whose job i could do better than them. they get paid more then me to bloviate endlessly and then rely heavily on my expertise and real output. why is this

i'd rather read a book written by Marge

woman who's husband didn't make her cum before he finished: noooo pleeease babe i've got blue flaps it hurts so bad

Stop saying the US is invading Iran for the oil. The US is invading Iran for the love of the game

"abolish ice" won't hurt dems in the midterms nearly as much as the power they ceded to the wealthy elites, which has (rightfully) cost them the trust of normal americans

Stop saying the US is invading Venezuela for the oil. The US is invading Venezuela for the love of the game

2026 predictions: - Biden dies (old age) - Trump dies (7th assassination attempt) - anti-aging billionaire dies (chokes on a carrott) - Taylor Swift dies (private jet is a boeing) - Drake dies (testicular cancer) - Musk dies (tesla explodes)

it's the war on Christmas and we're bringing democracy to the north pole

maybe the hamburger helper is just dressing for the job he wants

i love dating. i love finding out that i'm not good enough over and over

a dating app where they just mail you some rope

no i love it when you watch my stories but don't text back it's hot

taking fentanyl just so i can touch police officers

BREAKING: my heart

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a hot guy getting CTE is like a hot girl getting a BBL. stop it, you were already perfect

[texting my sister] ... and is there a mister carriage?

i met with a trauma surgeon but he said he couldn't do anything about my childhood

i need to hire the witch who cursed me because she did a very good job

thank god i'm so lazy. if not i would have killed myself dozens of times by now

a dating app where they just mail you a gun

here for a time

they should make a dating app that works

magazines used to be cool. they used to be about touching girls butts and the desperate attempt to save 33 men trapped underground. now they're only about CEOs and semen retention

they should make ignoring me illegal

excited to announce that i'm dating a professional surfer (couch)

awesome

i can't believe it's already been a month since joe biden passed away