can someone do a good joke about 'the eclipse' and 'thick lips' because I spent 20 minutes already and I have to go to work

mornings are a marketing ploy and if you brag about getting up early you are a shill for Big Awake

when vegans fuck they ask to be artichoked

imagine the amount of bad shit that hasn't happened because a guy jerked off instead

thinking about the time I worked for a sex toy company and a dumb man emailed us (and CCed a fake law firm) saying he was suing us because his wife left him after she bought one of our toys and my boss replied asking for permission to quote him in our advertising

tbh i'd be ok if the internet was slightly less secure than the binfire we've made it. I'll take the risk of having my identity stolen if it saves me 17 different logins just to send a photo of my balls to someone

i don't even like aqua teen hunger force but every couple of months that mastodon cameo from the start of the ATHF movie gets stuck in my head and won't quit until i yell IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAAAND YOU SHOULD NOT BE HEEEERRREEE youtu.be/loqYlYqtsmY?...

[WTF Intro] Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon (Movie Film For Theaters)

YouTube video by darkskyx

youtu.be

hey how was your career as a "prompt engineer" you absolute gooseberry

you know you're getting old when you're watching a gangbang video and you're thinking like hey where did all these people park

"sure wish there were more hours in the day" why? so you can continue pretending to be busy at 25 o'clock?

of COURSE im hitting learn more are you out of your fuckin mind

welcome to today's thrilling episode of Why Am I Tired All The Time

Was trimming my pubes last night and my electric shaver died halfway through, now i have no pubes but hairy balls, it's like my dick has an Amish beard, thank you for listening

sorry i yelled COME OUT YE BLACK 'N TANS when we were having sex

linkedin is worse than twitter. at least twitter has porn.

one of my hobbies is sneaking up to people wearing "italia" t-shirts and using a marker to add "gen" in front of it

{chris morris "the day today" newsreader voice}

"actually I resigned last year but the boss never reads his emails" is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in an office, like an actual punchline

Aerys if you read this send me a message, say hello

if anything there are TOO MANY hours in a day

*a thousand spiders in a trenchcoat walks in* im here about the we development job youre advertising

hey guys its your girl pandora, oh my gosh im like so excited to do this unboxing with you today

finance hack: save money on beef jerky by buying beef and jerking it off yourself

the problem with people who say "if you want me at my best you have to accept me at my worst" is that their worst tends to be way worse than you should accept and their best is still pretty bad

oh so you're a web designer huh ok design me a web

some days i want to be an ambitious and successful business owner and some days i want to be speeding down an icy siberian highway in a lada 2105 with a rusty revolver in the glovebox

call me scrub daddy the way im accumulating bacteria

stumbled across a band called Retained Surgical Instrument and they're terrible but credit where it's die for that name

brands need to stop telling me to "be part of the movement" i don't care about your mission statement your mission is to sell trousers my mission is to wear trousers let's not make a rube goldberg machine about it ok

Thank you Sam Neil for many things, first and foremost the movie Sirens, which was very influential on my burgeoning sexuality.