I think therefore I femme

Apparently I am not allowed to refer to a hypothetical mass killing of childcare workers as a "shoot'nanny"

I like maps of just the USA by itself because Hawaii is always popping up below saying "HI!" and then you can hear someone go "AK" while hacking up the phlegm globber that is Alaska.

I thought a "posterior chain" was some BDSM thing but apparently it's when your back, hips, and hammies unionize and go on strike for more stretches.

Gurl, are you a gas powered engine? Cause I'm looking to internally combust in you.

My underwear has wash instructions telling me not to iron or dry clean it. One of these days I am going to rebel and starch it till it's stiff and crispy.

Somewhere out there a dyslexic person is excited to watch Law & Order SVU for the first time because they absolutely love sport utility vehicles.

I need massive amounts of botox on my palms so I can go around messing with palm readers.

Somewhere out there a lady named Luna is waxing her gibbous

Tricking someone into believing a word means something it doesn't should be called 'getting lexiconned'

I don't like that "salubrious" and "lugubrious" are both real words.

'Happy Baby' I get and I have seen babies in that position but 'Child's Pose'? I don't think that's something children naturally do.

Caught a blueberry with my thighs and it felt like a rejected WarioWare microgame.

Hearing someone else cry in the movie theater while you're already quietly sobbing is such a relief. It's like when someone else farts in yoga class.

I wonder if Popeye ever uses spinach in the bedroom as a marital aid?

Apparently "persnickety" with an S is the North American standard and "pernickety" with no S is the UK standard but it's not worth fussing over trivial details like this.

Who are these people backing into parking spots at Costco? Are they just there for a hot dog?

Kudos to the fine folks working as inspectors at the fish sauce factory who diligently ensure that every drop, in every bottle, smells like the correct ratio of buttholes and armpits. I would love to fill a bottle with vanilla extract and watch someone's face as they go in expecting reeky feet.

I like being around random parents dealing with their kids because I get to hear all their near curses. Today a frustrated mom exclaimed "mother of pearl!" at her stubborn child.

When your phone is balanced precariously on a ledge and the vibration of a notification causes it to fall...

There are two wolves inside me, one that wants cute bracelets to wear to pilates and the other that thinks wearing jewelry to go exercise is a frivolous and actively bad idea.

When I got to where the stoplight normally is and it wasn't there, I realized that I had gone the wrong way down a one way street. Good news is that no stoplight means "no turn on red" laws don't apply so I got out of there in a hurry.

Had a dream someone put a stick of butter in their bathroom soap dish and woke up laughing. Dream humor is something else.

My guilty pleasure is reading the clinical notes after a doctor's visit. I like to pretend I'm in middle school and the doctor's notes are the diary of someone I have a crush on. OMG, did you hear Billy say that my head was "completely atraumatic"?! I would so let him change that...

We need some sort of uber advent calendar that gives you a new individual advent calendar everyday.

It's almost time to dust off your labia menorahs and celebrate Gynechanukah.

If I had a 3D printer, I would make fake bars of soap to mess with my guests.

I think the hardest thing about transitioning was switching to a diet made primarily of trans fat. It's nothing but Crisco and discontinued snacks from the 90s that I find unopened on ebay.

I didn't realize the space between the vulva and the vagina was referred to as the vestibule. I don't know how to feel about that exactly except to suggest that guests remove their shoes before entering further.

Me snoozing my alarm clock is just a cry for help to my bladder for it to wake me up.