Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis

CHICAGO—Touting them as the clean and fashionable solution to a common messy situation, personal-cleansing brand Dude Wipes announced Thursday its new line of flushable khakis. “Every guy knows what it’s like to walk around with a load in his slacks, but you don’t have to anymore with these stylish pants you can just tear off and […] The post Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis appeared first on The Onion.

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Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat

The post Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.

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Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’

BUENOS AIRES—After exhausting a significant amount of his intellectual energy in a series of company launches, a creatively tapped-out Peter Thiel announced Tuesday a new startup called “Frodo, But Evil.” Everyone knows Frodo’s the hero of Lord Of The Rings, but he’s not in this case, which—I mean, evil is a form of innovation, right?” said a […] The post Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’ appeared first on The Onion.

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Lana Del Rey, Husband Celebrate Anniversary At Gas Station Subway

DES ALLEMANDS, LA—Holding hands and giggling as they talked the part-time fast food worker through their sandwich order, singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey and swamp tour boat captain Jeremy Dufrene reportedly celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday at a gas station Subway restaurant. “Lana swooned after [Dufrene] told her she could get any size sandwich she wanted; […] The post Lana Del Rey, Husband Celebrate Anniversary At Gas Station Subway appeared first on The Onion.

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Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called ‘Barry’s Magical Experience’

CHICAGO—Saying the man promised visitors access to the “real show,” onlookers confirmed Thursday that a guy outside the Barack Obama Presidential Center was selling cheaper tickets to something called “Barry’s Magical Experience.” “Why waste your time at a freaking snoozefest library when I’m offering no lines to enter the wondrous world of old Barry O. […] The post Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called ‘Barry’s Magical Experience’ appeared first on The Onion.

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USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga

The post USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga appeared first on The Onion.

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Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer

A 74-year-old hunter was arrested on felony manslaughter charges after fatally shooting a woman whom he mistook for a deer. What do you think? The post Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer appeared first on The Onion.

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Dr. DooDiddle

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Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago

ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. “Damn, I wish I’d had the foresight to put some money down on rice back in 5000 B.C., because I’d […] The post Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago appeared first on The Onion.

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Algorithm Distorting How Important Man Thinks ‘Gummo’ Is To Rest Of World

PLAISTOW, NH—Blaming their friend’s personalized internet feed for his warped perception of the film’s impact, sources confirmed Wednesday that the algorithm presented to local man Todd Bennett had been distorting how important he thinks Gummo is to the rest of the world. “No matter which social media site he’s on, he’s being pushed Gummo content […] The post Algorithm Distorting How Important Man Thinks ‘Gummo’ Is To Rest Of World appeared first on The Onion.

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American Medical Association: ‘Huge Biceps Are Only Thing That Matters’

CHICAGO—Granting the public permission to disregard the organization’s previous recommendations, American Medical Association officials announced this week that huge biceps were now the only thing that mattered for health. “Rather than worrying about eating a balanced diet or maintaining an active lifestyle, our advice is to spend as much time as possible in the gym […] The post American Medical Association: ‘Huge Biceps Are Only Thing That Matters’ appeared first on The Onion.

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Trump Bans CNN, MS NOW, Politico From White House Press Pool

President Trump banned news outlets CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from participating in the White House press pool, citing what he considers fake news coverage of himself. What do you think? The post Trump Bans CNN, MS NOW, Politico From White House Press Pool appeared first on The Onion.

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God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’

THE HEAVENS—Asserting that He’d had “enough of the drama,” the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. “Though this series has been a huge part of My eternal life, I can no longer participate in good faith,” the Supreme Leader […] The post God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’  appeared first on The Onion.

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Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron

WASHINGTON—Declaring the military fortifications an urgent matter of national security, President Donald Trump on Monday proposed the installation of a sniper nest atop his youngest son, Barron. “We’re going to set up Barron right there on Memorial Circle, where some of the deadliest marksmen in our armed forces will be posted around the clock on his […] The post Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron appeared first on The Onion.

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Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling

PHOENIX—Carefully noting several mistakes he’d made while typing up what would ultimately be the worst mistake of his life, local man Carson Myers spent several minutes Tuesday double-checking the career-ending Facebook comment he was about to post for spelling. “Let’s see, is it ‘they’re’ or ‘their’? Phew, that would have been embarrassing,” said Myers, who obsessively tinkered with a […] The post Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling appeared first on The Onion.

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George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening

SAN ANSELMO, CA—Cursing himself for ever thinking “this museum thing” was a good idea, a frantic George Lucas was reportedly hosing a wasp nest out of R2-D2 Monday ahead of the public opening of his new Museum of Narrative Art. “Hold still, R2—we were supposed to be there 15 minutes ago,” said the 82-year-old filmmaker, […] The post George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening appeared first on The Onion.

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First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years

A new type of tiger cat that’s smaller than a house cat was discovered in the Bolivian cloud forest, marking the first time in a century that a new species of wild cat has been identified. What do you think? The post First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years appeared first on The Onion.

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Pitcher Clearly Ate Rosin Bag

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Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump Jr.’s Wedding After Party

A Russian businessman with ties to Putin spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding after party, raising ethical concerns and accusations of buying influence. What do you think? The post Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump Jr.’s Wedding After Party appeared first on The Onion.

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Olivia Rodrigo Releases Fantasy Tabletop Game ‘The High Winter Elves Of Girlville’

LOS ANGELES—Calling the effort the purest distillation to date of where she is as a dungeon master, pop star Olivia Rodrigo released her long-awaited tabletop roleplaying game The High Winter Elves Of Girlville on Friday. The multiplatinum artist, who appeared on an episode of The Eldritch Lorecast this week, spoke of how the years she […] The post Olivia Rodrigo Releases Fantasy Tabletop Game ‘The High Winter Elves Of Girlville’ appeared first on The Onion.

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Landlord Takes Hornets’ Side

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Claiming he had looked into the issue per the tenant’s request, local landlord Ernest Morton told one of his renters Thursday that he had no choice but to take the hornets’ side in a recent dispute that occurred at one of his properties. “Look, I empathize with both perspectives on this matter, but at the […] The post Landlord Takes Hornets’ Side appeared first on The Onion.

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Freida Flores and Anthony Acosta

After a misprint on the invitations, Flores and Acosta had a strict only-kids wedding. The post Freida Flores and Anthony Acosta appeared first on The Onion.

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Pros And Cons Of Letting Dogs Sleep In The Bed

Pet lovers and health experts are divided over whether dogs should co-sleep with their owners. The Onion examines the pros and cons of letting dogs sleep in the bed. PRO They’ll bark to let you know if anyone else is getting into bed Get more use out of matching pajamas Kind of fucked up not […] The post Pros And Cons Of Letting Dogs Sleep In The Bed appeared first on The Onion.

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New Orleans Pelicans Can’t Help But Notice They’re Not On NBA Schedule This Year

NEW ORLEANS—Wondering aloud if there had been some kind of miscommunication on the part of the league, New Orleans Pelicans players told reporters Friday they couldn’t help but notice they hadn’t been included on the 2026-27 NBA schedule. “I checked the schedule on NBA.com twice, and I don’t see ‘Pelicans’ or ‘New Orleans’ anywhere, so […] The post New Orleans Pelicans Can’t Help But Notice They’re Not On NBA Schedule This Year appeared first on The Onion.

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I’ve Got A Bad Feline About This

The post I’ve Got A Bad Feline About This appeared first on The Onion.

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Everything We Know About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ So Far

After two delays, the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI will be released this November. Here is everything we know about the game so far. Open-world activities include playing volleyball, chess, cards, or GTA V Gunshot sound effects performed by Sir Ian McKellen Child support payments carry over from the real world Cars driven in […] The post Everything We Know About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ So Far appeared first on The Onion.

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FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the adjustment was long overdue, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Thursday that it would raise the national murder rate for the first time since 2023. “For far too long, prior administrations succumbed to pressure to continuously reduce the number of Americans being intentionally shot, choked, or stabbed to death, which has led […] The post FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023 appeared first on The Onion.

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The NFL Concussion Protocol: How The League Determines If A Player Can Return To The Game

Here are the steps the NFL follows to evaluate head injuries. Step 1: Player receives devastating helmet-to-helmet hit that leaves him motionless for 46 seconds Step 2: Spotter initiates protocol after noticing entire offense kneeling in prayer beside teammate Step 3: Referee blows ceremonial gjallarhorn to signal commencement of concussion protocol Step 4: Player is […] The post The NFL Concussion Protocol: How The League Determines If A Player Can Return To The Game appeared first on The Onion.

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Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill In Jar Of Formaldehyde

The post Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill In Jar Of Formaldehyde appeared first on The Onion.

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Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour

PHILADELPHIA—Shambling barefoot into a press conference to promote his next show, English artist Ed Sheeran introduced reporters Thursday to the sock puppets he had booked to open for him on his stadium tour. “This is, uh, Jimmy and his songwriting partner, Freddie,” said the 35-year-old musician, who confirmed the white cotton duo would take the […] The post Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour appeared first on The Onion.

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