I don’t believe in god but a lot of evil motherfuckers getting struck down lately just sayin

Deport Clarence Thomas back to hell

Never basked harder in my native Northern Californian smugness than I am now seeing that 100K Angelenos voted for Spencer fucking Pratt for mayor, are y’all okay down there, what is happening, like I am so embarrassed for you rn

Who do you think is more disappointed right now Melania or JD?

For as long as I can remember I start my day by reading the news, and now the only reason I keep doing it is the knowledge that one morning I’ll wake up and the headline will be that he is dead

In my military dictatorship it would be illegal for adult men to use straws in public, I will not be answering any questions at this time

Bad Bunny performance went so hard the person who has to scrape off overcooked steak thrown at the walls at Mar a Lago is gonna have to put in for overtime

Added “Catherine O’Hara is dead but Donald Trump is still alive” to my ‘Proof There is No God’ list

Last year at this time I was awaiting spine surgery, completely gorked out on pain meds and utterly oblivious to anything happening in the world outside of myself and my pain and I miss that so much

If you ever feel like you’re a bad person who is failing at life just remember that there are people who support ICE so you’re doing great sweetie🫶

Does anyone know if 2026 has a 14 or 30 day return policy, because I would like to exchange it for a new year, this one came broken

It’s never the right corrupt dictator president who refuses to leave office getting snatched outta his bed and hauled away in the middle of the night 🙃

Merry Christmas to firstborn daughters and literally nobody else

I just feel like no one at the post office even cared that I was wearing a 1989 A/W archival Comme des Garçon full length wool cape over the pajamas I’ve had on for 3 days

Last night I met a guy and when he told me he was from Ireland I said “I love your exits,” ya girl has still fuckin got it

The internet is mostly trash but watching idiots in Kentucky or where the fuck ever who have never left their hometown population 765 get big mad online about the mayor of NYC is honestly the funniest shit I’ve seen in awhile

Every day at 6:30am I take a little 3 mile walk, and every day I walk past a house that absolutely reeks of marijuana smoke, and lemme tell you only one of us is doing life right and it sure as shit isn’t me

I’m going to have as much empathy for Charlie Kirk getting shot as he does for innocent children who are victims of gun violence

Not surviving, not thriving, some other third thing. (Spiraling)

The Taylor Swift engagement is huge news for my community (annoying white women)

I’ve started responding “pretty bad” when people ask how I’m doing, and that’s why I’m the most fun person at parties

Y’all ever feel like you’re being suffocated by the heaviness of all the horrors in our nightmare world but in, like, a sexy way

Oopsie once again accidentally built a following on a platform that doesn’t have monetization, I’m so good at the internet

The worst thing about being middle aged is realizing you’re only halfway done with this bullshit

Men who are publicly mourning Hulk Hogan on social media should be put on a registry

Have I ever actually used a pocket in a dress, No. But am I going to stop getting irrationally excited about a dress having pockets, also No

Bad news everyone I’m hot and mean again

So you think the US will make it to her 250th birthday or nah

Called the liquid that first comes out of a ketchup bottle “pre-cum” and now this family barbecue is super awkward

People who aren’t depressed right now, like, actually what the fuck