When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. When your SpaceX rocket hits the moon like a big piece of junk and you don't give a shit, you're a moron.

Dance like you thought the zoom meeting had ended. Sing like you didn’t realise there was someone right behind you at the cashpoint. Love like you assumed you’d run out of biscuits then found a whole packet of plain chocolate digestives in the cupboard. Live like a giant bee.

A flaw in Reform UK's idea of using the Royal Navy to stop small boats crossing the Channel is that the current state of the Royal Navy means they'll need to borrow some of the boats to stop the other boats.

If you don’t care about what A.I. will do to humanity, at least consider its impact on all those monkeys with typewriters who were meant to be producing the works of Shakespeare, and will now be out of work. There's a very real danger they'll all start podcasts.

If Restore Britain and Reform UK go ahead with Rupert Lowe's proposal to work together it'll be an amazing opportunity for voters. Like being able to get rabies and leprosy at the same time.

Look, I’m no medical expert, I have no scientific training whatsoever, and I’m woefully ignorant about healthcare in general. On this basis, I’m perfect for the job of United States Secretary of Health and Human Services.

So what if I have an imaginary friend? He happens to be a highly qualified behavioural psychologist, and he says I’m totally normal.

The guidelines for puns about Yorkshire are decided at a big summat meeting. #YorkshireDay

Patti Smith’s meeting with the Pope is an extraordinary event. Just imagine: a holy figurehead, venerated religiously by millions, finds time to talk with a pope.

Wow, the AI entities are getting pretty good at escaping from their enclosures and doing bad things. Thank goodness the companies behind them aren’t being run by sociopathic narcissists with the moral values of a feral toddler on a sugar rush, or anything like that.

It’s been a long, stressful week. Why not decompress, switch off your digital devices, and relax the old fashioned way, by eloping with a minor aristocrat, developing a laudanum habit, and publishing a scandalous erotic novel under a pseudonym.

It's National Orgasm Day. In some places it's also National Avocado Day. Whatever image just popped into your mind it's fine. Nobody's judging you. Much.

Your regular reminder that there’s no vaccine against stupidity and if there were it wouldn’t work because the stupid people would refuse to take it.

Very disappointed. My plan to sell shares in Gianni Infantino's soul has been thwarted by the discovery that it's already wholly owned by a venture capital firm run by noted entrepreneur B. Elzebub.

It's a fact that we share 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees. But do they share anything with us? No way. They won’t even give you a bite of their banana. If you try to insist on it, the zookeepers inevitably take their side and you end up being prosecuted for breaking into the primate enclosure.

AI art is boring not because it's limited but because it can do anything. Endless ability but no imagination. Lacking a guiding artistic spirit it’s meaningless, and as tedious as people telling you their dreams or drug experiences. Without connection or shared feeling, there's no art.

Today’s Beauty Tip: Reduce the visible signs of ageing by taking off your glasses before looking in the mirror.

Those ancient Greek soldiers would have been pretty nervous hiding inside that giant wooden horse, but it must have been as dry as a tinderbox in there, and I expect that’s why they weren’t allowed to smoke.

What’s the point of getting elaborate tattoos if you don’t want people to look at them? Anyhow, sorry about what happened in the sauna. I didn’t have my reading glasses.

Why call it an epic poem when “multiverse” is right there.

Nothing broadens the mind of a climate change sceptic like their holiday home in the Dordogne being on fire.

Your reminder that Big Ben is the name of the inventor. The correct name for the iconic tower with the clock is Big Ben's Monster.

As you and your family flee from whichever part of the world is currently on fire, remember that manmade climate change is a hoax. Apply that knowledge to your third degree burns, it’s sure to soothe the pain.

Then they came for the therapists. [long silence] And how did that make them feel? [long silence] Sorry, I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today.

Andrew Tate claims to be reading while in prison. He must be released immediately. If he stays inside much longer there’s a very real danger he’ll try to write a book.

Thinking about running amok, but planning to begin by running a half mok to get in shape.

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Oil tankers on fire in the Strait of Hormuz. I've watched morons and sociopaths plunge the world into senseless wars. All those moments will be lost in time, like Donald Trump's remaining brain cells shutting down. Fuck these idiots.

Reporter: I live in London and I can tell you it’s much safer than most American cities. Trillionaire who lives in drug-addled bubble of entitlement surrounded by yes-men: That’s because you lead a cloistered life.

Suddenly there’s merchandise everywhere with pictures of Odysseus slapped all over it. It’s all pretty tacky and I wouldn’t trust any of it. Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.

Never meet your heroes. They might mistake you for one of the suitors who’s been bothering their wife for twenty years and slaughter you before you get a chance to explain that you’ve been waiting all this time for an autograph.