My girlfriend just asked, "When are you going to stop quoting Elton John lyrics?" "I think it’s gonna be a long, long time." 🐢💨

That was Dick Tice with ' Faux Rage Against the Scrutiny' 🐢💨

Lee Anderson, lead singer of the 'Triggers' doing a sound check during their Bacon Buttie tour of Clacton. 🐢💨

Yesterday, I saw a young boy walk up to a policeman and say, "I've lost my dad." "What's he like?" asked the policeman. "Beer and Women." 🐢💨

That was Nigel Farage with "Victim" from his new album, "The Grifters Self Pity." 🐢💨

Rubettes tribute act looks a bit shit. 🎵Sugar Racist Love🎵 🎵 Arse Box Jive🎵 🐢💨

That was Lee Anderson with "Licking Windows and Pube Butties," from his forthcoming album "Peroxide Blond Arsecrack Dribble." 🐢💨

The phrase, "Hold your horses" is essentially the same as, "Be stable." 🐢💨

I have tattoos of Prince Buster, and The Specials on my arms, but feel as though I should have them removed. Would it leave a ska? 🐢💨

I once spotted Sinead O’Connor in a birdwatching hide, and asked her what kind of activity she’d seen. "It’s been seven owls and fifteen jays." 🐢💨

That was Jenrick & Pochin with their latest release: 🎵Xenophobia and other Bollox🎵 🐢💨

I was once in a band called "The Radiators' We were a warm up act. 🐢💨

My girlfriend just tripped up, and dropped a whole basket of clothes she had just ironed. I sat and watched it all unfold. 🐢💨

Watched Colonoscopy the movie last night. Starring Cameron Diaz Waiting for Colonoscopy 2: Still Constipated. Hasn't been released yet. 🐢💨

A herd of cows escaped their field yesterday, and emerged on the M1. An emergency services spokesperson described the scene as "udder chaos." 🐢💨

I often ask myself, did the guy who came up with the term, "One Hit Wonder," come up with any other phrases? 🐢💨

Breaking: Images leaked by whistleblower of Nigel Farage campaigning in Clacton with Reform supporters in 2023, despite not being involved in politics at the time. 🐢💨

Pity Farage did not show the same resolve in defending his bung in parliament July 2026. 🐢💨

My car broke down earlier, so I took the bus. The police have just knocked on my door, and told me I have to return it. 🐢💨

I've been asked to take The Manic Street Preachers on a tour of Norfolk market towns, and if that goes well, rural areas north west of London too. If they tolerate Diss then the Chilterns will be next. 🐢💨

I've been farting classic Mike Oldfield tunes all weekend. GP said I have tubular bowels. 🐢💨

I've just formed a new band. We've called ourselves 'Cat’s Eyes' We just play middle of the road stuff. 🐢💨

I saw a guy in the bar last night who was playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought to myself, "That's Aboriginal." 🐢💨

Bread, to my mind, is very much like the sun. It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. 🐢💨

Went to the annual dinner for the UK Dyslexic Association last night. Was awesome until the DJ played YMCA, and then it was absolute mayhem. 🐢💨

I don’t like country music, but I don’t denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means 'put down' 🐢💨

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it must only be a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too. 🐢💨

Occasionally, I look at a text message, or email, and think, "What a bloody idiot and psycho." I still press send though. 🐢💨

The Odyssey is a bit far fetched as far as I'm concerned. What are the chances that Achilles heel was actually his Achilles heel? 🐢💨

The first time a parallelogram used public transport, it got onto the Rhombus. 🐢💨