A hundred million actors could have played the role, but there's only one chair and the music stopped playing a long, long time ago.

I want a cake so large that it would take me an entire lifetime to eat the whole thing. #9metrictonsofcake

The studio audience in my brain does not need and 'applause' sign.

I'm considerably more tolerable in context.

Slightly increase a band Some Doubt Foo Beaters U3 Dimeback Earth, Wind, Fire and Water Poudre Floyd Simon and less Garfunkel

And don't even talk about 'Car Guy Land'. It took Jay Leno twenty minutes on the phone to convince Trump that wasn't a thing. #EnrichTheIranian

The modern Republican party is made up of three groups: Lawful Evil conservatives. Neutral Evil libertarians. Chaotic Evil fascists.

Trump thinks Kharg Island is 'Car Guy Land', a theme parked owned by Jay Leno and Pete wasn't fully aware enough to correct him as he was working on taking the straight up vermouth.

"I did not come from outer space." He scoffed, doing the air quotes sign with his elongated, glowing fingers. "I travelled through outer space to get here."

You can imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the 'Laser Eye Clinic' does not, I repeat does not give you lasers that shoot out of your eyes.

I was too short and fat to be a high fashion model so I just settled on being high.

Never go into business with a monkey who has an MBA, for obvious reasons.

All of America's faults are Trump's virtues.

Mad kings never abdicate.

I would gladly hand over a dollar; a dollar was enough for them before, but when they demanded four more, for the door to the store, they got nothing from me but scorn. "You're an all or nothing kind of guy and since I'm not going to give you all, you get nothing." #piracypoetry

The current load of puns about electricity are shockingly grounded.

We built this city. We built this city on Rock and Roll! We should have used concrete.

'I hate communism because I like to fight my Musketeers one at a time.'

You can imagine my disappointment upon receiving the news that the corner store would not, I repeat, would not sell me a corner. I mean, what am I supposed to cut?

"Penny for your thoughts?" She asked. "You're only half way there if you want my two cents worth." I replied. #extremelyshortfiction

The ratchet only turns one way.

The main reason 50 Cent is mad about Mamdani's 2% tax on the rich is that he's going to have to change his name to 49 Cent.