[crafting an electoral message that will resonate with the hearts and minds of the voters] shut up and eat your ramen while you can still afford it, you stupid peasant

I actually think I would believe my eyes if ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep. I’ve seen some wild shit these past couple of years

made my dad watch The Backrooms and he still has not recovered from the horror of the main character being billed for the backrooms' electricity usage

in roughly 15 years I’m going to switch my professional focus to giving therapy to kids whose parents raised them with AI and I’m going to make enough money to buy San Francisco

time to play everyone’s new favourite summertime game, “Is That a Stray Fleck of Sand or Am I Currently Contracting a Tick-Bourne Illness”

“you only get 18 summers” is actually a warning for kids about how much time you have left before your parents go rip-roaring insane

took my mom to see the Hadestown pro shot and I’m about to get a lot of mileage out of this gif every time she texts me to hurry up when I’m meeting her somewhere

Hadestown Tony Awards

ALT: Hadestown Tony Awards

static.klipy.com

I am once again bringing you the latest Alberta separation news in The Beaverton

The Beaverton@thebeaverton.com · last wk.

Edmonton plans separation referendum to separate from Alberta separation referendum

the woman sitting behind me at Hadestown told her friend during intermission that she “hopes this has a happy ending” because she hates depressing stories and I’m so sorry ma’am but you’ve had almost 3000 years to look up how this ends

If you want to hear my ingenious plan to solve Canada-US trade issues with medieval artillery, you’ll have to listen to this week’s episode of the Beaverton podcast

The Beaverton@thebeaverton.com · last wk.

New pod with special guest @verybadllama.bsky.social open.spotify.com/episode/1jD2... -The Trade War rages on, as does an actual war -Who says Conservatives aren't patriotic? Mostly other Conservatives -Carney breaks with Ford over Billy Bishop airport +More

yeah we’ve got to get back to having rich people visited by three ghosts

I admire people who solve crimes by coming forward about some minor detail they noticed on a dark highway 8 years ago, I could see my own mother in her own bedroom in broad daylight and still go "well, can't really be sure it was her, wouldn't want to waste anyone's time"

helping my mom shop for cushioned shoes for her arthritis and I was expecting to find ugly shoes but not “encase your feet in a giant baked potato” ugly shoes

if I was Hades I wouldn’t bother with the “you can’t look back” trick, I would tell Orpheus and Eurydice that they could only walk out of the underworld if Orpheus walked ahead and crop-dusted her the whole time

the most important step in getting healthy is figuring out the unique combination of weird shit you're going to mix into Greek yogurt for the rest of your life

If I'm being honest, I sort of hoped that being a talking ape on a floating space rock would be a bit more chill than this

In hindsight it's very funny that my upper-middle-class suburb put on annual kids' productions of musicals like Annie and Oliver. I was up there belting out "Hard Knock Life" like I wasn't the child of married homeowners whose greatest hardship was 'briefly living in Winnipeg'

every new Prime Minister settling in for six months of trying to fix the UK

boy they should call you the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom because I've already forgotten your name and I don't expect you to last that long

1996: can't use the internet without your phone 2010: the internet stretches before you like the vast expanse of a new frontier. You dance through it, unhindered. Unburdened. You have never heard of 2-factor authentication. 2026: can't use the internet without your phone

thought I would have to eventually get a stroller for my chihuahua as she got older, but apparently there’s an even better option

called it

Janel Comeau 🍁@verybadllama.bsky.social · 2y ago

every news cycle for the next four years is just going to be Monday: Trump has fired all the people who were responsible for keeping poo out of the drinking water Tuesday: okay for some reason there is now a lot of poo in the drinking water

I really have to commend Al Gore for his restraint because if I was in his shoes I would be well into the fifth year of my worldwide “I Fucking Told You So” lecture tour

drew these after walking down the aisle at my wedding to the sound of emergency alerts from the 2023 Nova Scotia wildfires and they’ve held up ever since

I came here to make niche regional Atlantic Canadian jokes in the Beaverton and eat oat cakes, and dammit, I’m all out of oat cakes

The Beaverton@thebeaverton.com · 3w ago

Nova Scotians respond to European-style austerity with European-style protest

we’ve got more “marry me” recipes in circulation than ever and yet the marriage rates keep falling. All those sun-dried tomatoes died for nothing.

my latest serious journalism for The Beaverton

The Beaverton@thebeaverton.com · 3w ago

"I would never have agreed to be a diplomat in Canada if I knew I'd have to be diplomatic to Canadians," says Pete Hoekstra

if we’re suddenly getting our brothers’ jobs when they die, there is a mining explosives team out there that better hope my brother is eating his goddamn wheaties

I have taken the soul of the Republican Senator the one you were probably hoping to see in Hell Forgive me I got mixed up they’re both so evil and so old

“if you get a dog you’ll have to wake up early to walk it” my dog when asked to leave the bed for literally any reason before 2pm: