Pillows
@whisperpills.bsky.social
Most my art is @pillowdemon.bsky.social this is mostly my other venty stuff, and for a controlled feed of other/important content to me
I wish drawing my emotions helped me more at recovering. I want to scream and shout but it leaves the same problems spinning. writing it helps, but does not capture it entirely. There's a dull thrumming that does not go away, and even in moment of peak ignorance, when the emotion return, i collapse
Hate it how much I miss the west coast, with stuff at home being annoying here, makes me wish I was there even more. My life is easy here, and easy is feeling like a trap, like doing nothing and how its easy.
Just as I fall into a spiral of selfdoubt, signing my joy away to a task of which I believe I cannot do, I must do the same in using my imagination to get out of this pit. I must fake it to make it, but is it really fake when everything comes from my mind anyways.
Paired with my anxiety and pain of my hand, its making me think that theres this imagined thing to keep me from drawing. Its frustrating cause i want to draw and i need to draw. My favourite pass time, and its been even preventing me from enjoying video games, nature, and other people.
Progressively my memory is becoming a bigger concern of late, my doctors don't take seriously, and I should not worry about. Be remembering a yield of even 20 names is becoming a difficulty. Forgetting the names of close ones at times, not knowing simple words, does not help with my anxiety
Ropes, anchors, smell of diesel, salt in the air, mist on the skin. Waves, bells, creaks of boards, cry's of gulls, whistling breeze. Ropes & knots feel intertwined in my life, mixed with traumas and blessings, the ropes mimicking me life similarly. Yet I call them beautiful, I should for my life!
Getting nervous sweats at work cause I remembered an almost nervous break down I had when getting tickled. So fucking embarrassing seeing everyone's scared faces when I keep laughing then break down into crying. There was other things that made me cry, but it was scary for me to show it again.
My mom called me today to update me on how she is going to directly miss gender me in front of my nephew as to not "confuse him" I'm going through other stuff rn in my life and she just wont shut up
Probably going to be posting less doomer shit and more porn stuff of my self.
Sick to my stomach and nearly vomiting, I am so pathetic over nothing :3
I got new underwear that are cute, but I kinda wish they had a cute pattern on them. Cutesy stars and little moons, maybe cats snoozing. But another part wishes they where slightly embarrassing, but I really don't know what that could be.
This has really been rolling through my head of late. Longing and belonging where the two things I was so desperate for, and yet i believed never attainable. A constant ripping of regret of my inaction in my life, as I felt id never truly pursue the things in life that could make me actually happy
Pillows@whisperpills.bsky.social · 2y ago
You ever look back and realize tour art has always been shit. But you draw so little, so you improve so little. So much pain and worry over something that's always been bad, discouraging yourself over nothing, when all you should be doing is draw more.
I think I know why I don't let myself enjoy self fantasy, cause it hurts too much. I think my aversion to pain of reality has made escape from it more painful, as I would have to return to reality yet again. I do the same with all forms of fun.
My dreams have been miserable. They are either direct anxieties of mine, with no way of escape during them. Or pleasant dreams that make me miserable after the dream ends, as its stuff I'll never truly enjoy nor would line up in my life.
