Headlines: House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate. Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on water. Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests. Miners Refuse to Work After Death. Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies. Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One. Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy. Man is Fatally Slain.

Headlines: Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers. Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung. William Kelly Was Fed Secretary. Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe. Eye Drops Off Shelf.

Last Burma Shaves: "The one who drives/ When he's been drinking/ Depends on you/ To do his thinking." "Car in ditch/ Driver in tree/ Ths moon was full/ And so was he." "Passing school zone/ Take it slow./ Let our little/ Shavers grow." Headline: Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One.

Oops, one of the signs does not end in 'tiny'. It should be 'you'.

Burma Shave: "No matter the price/ No matter how new/ The best safety device/ In this car is tiny." "A guy who drives/ A car wide open/ Is not thinking/ He's just hoping." "At intersections/ Look each way/ A harp sounds nice/ But it's hard to play." Headline: Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.

Burma Shave: "Cautious rider/ To her reckless dear/ Let's have less bull/ And a little more steer." "Speed was high/ Weather was not/ Tires were thin/ X marks the spot." "The midnight ride/ of Paul for Beer/ Led to a warmer/ Hemisphere." "Around the curve/ Lickety split/ Beautiful car/ Wasn't it."

Burma Shave signs: "She kissed the hairbrush/ By mistake./ She thought it was/ Her husband Jake." "Don't lose your head/ To gain a minute./ You need your head/ Your brains are in it." "Drove too long/ Driver snoozing./ What happened next/ Is not amusing."

Who remembers the Burma Shave roadside signs? "A man, a miss/ A car, a curve./ He kissed the miss,/ And missed the curve." "Don't stick your elbow/ Out so far./ It may go home/ In another car." "Trains don't wander/ All over the map/ Cause nobody sits/ In the Engineer's lap."

Every bit of this. 👇

Logic: "I'm a nobody. Nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect." "I've got to sit down & work out where I stand." "Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?" "How come is abbreviated such a long word?" Quip: "As I said before, I do not repeat myself." Anon.

Politickle: "My first qualification for mayor of the city of New York is my monumental ingratitude to each and all of you." Firello LaGuardia,NY Mayor. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." Orrin Hatch, UT Senator. 1

Politickle, unintended humor from a politician: "I wanted all of my ducks in a row, so if we did get into a posture, we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed." Lee Cooke, Mayor, Austin, TX. "I don't know anyone here that's been killed by a handgun." Avery Alexander. LA Rep.

Some Daffynitions: "Bore. A person who talks when you wish him to listen." "Egotist. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me." "Conceit. Self respect in one whom we dislike." Ambrose Beirce. "Being kind is more important than being right." Andy Rooney.

Some nonsense: "Tis midnight, and the setting sun/ Is slowly rising in the west,/ The rapid rivers slowly ran,/ The frog is on his downy nest,/ The pensive goat and sportive cow,/ Hilarious, leap from bough to bough." Anon. "Never play leapfrog with a unicorn." Anon.

Court testimony: A man accused of rape explains, "I wasn't within a mile of where this woman said she was raped. Besides, I didn't rape her, there was a mutual understanding. And anyway, that ain't the woman." Quip: My grandfather is 80 & doesn't need glasses. He drinks straight from the bottle.

Listen to your mom: She taught me about hypocrisy. "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate." She taught the circle of life. "I brought you into this world and I can take you out." She taught me behavior modification. "Stop acting like your father."

Listen to your mom: My mom taught me about stamina. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished." She taught me about weather. "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." She taught me physics. "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming at you, would you listen to me then?"

Listen to your mom: My mom taught me irony. "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about." She taught me about osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." I learned about contortionism. "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck."

Listen to your mother: Mom taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week." She taught me foresight. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Listen to your mom: Mom taught me to appreciate a job well done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I've just finished cleaning." My mom taught me religion: "You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet." Mom taught me logic: "Because I said so, that's why."

Court Testimony: *The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. *To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. *I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

Court Testimony:*As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. *The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my car.

Court testimony: *I was unable to stop in time, & my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. *The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. *My car was legally parked when it hit his.

Court Testimony: *I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.*I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.*I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

Court testimony: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

They say books won’t change the world. Tell that to every colonizer who burned them. To every enslaved person who was punished for reading. Literacy is resistance. Literacy is liberation. The library is a battlefield.

Likely story at court: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

Just some quips: Honk if you like peace & quiet. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. Experience is something you don't get until after you need it. The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right there's a 90% probability of getting it wrong.

Daffynitions: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. It shows little sign of breaking down soon.