Nobody has ever told me in my 40+ years that I should have or even want kids, but apparently this week one of my dad's guy friends told my brother that he was selfish for not wanting children and I'm like "this is not the gender equality I envisioned but lol"
Do not fall asleep listening to true crime. Detective Slumbertime and I caught this serial killer in the act EIGHT TIMES and threw him into prison, only for him to walk straight back out of jail when we did and start murdering again right in front of us.
You have nostalgia for your childhood movies. I have nostalgia for the first time I tried halloumi. We are not the same.
2009 doesn't seem that long ago, until you are cleaning out your father's spice drawer.
Me: Oh Dad, I have a new boyfriend. Inconsistently Racist Dad: Oh yeah? Me: He's a family lawyer. And he has an accounting degree. And he's indigenous. Dad: Well, at least he's not Jewish. I fucken hate Jews. Me: I'M Jewish!
"If you could go back in time and give one piece of advice to your younger self, what would it be?" I would just start listing off the undiagnosed medical issues the poor child had until the connection broke. No amount of wisdom and attitude checks can counterbalance constant raging diarrhoea.
Stepkid: Hey. Me: Hey. Stepkid: Got any candy? Me: Bag of lollipops. Grab one. Stepson: I got a cherry one without even trying! {i am a beloved member of the family}
Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards me heavily bullying you about it.
Told my autistic boyfriend I would love to go out to dinner with him and to name a time and formality for the eatery. I meant fine dining vs casual vs family restaurant. He thought I meant dress code and said business formal. Spent the afternoon perfecting my Windsor knot for the dumplings place.
Me: After this hospital appointment, I can have all the ice cream I want! Otolaryngologist: I don't know if you'll be able to swallow it. Me: I'll spit.
Took a love test about my new relationship. When I clicked Results, I got a banner saying "Critical Error". Gosh, I hope they mean the website.
Okay yes I am filled with eternal feminine rage but also I ate too much pasta so honestly the tiredness could be coming from either.
So much for the tolerant Left.
cait (and adonis)@cait.bsky.social · last mo.[bravely] I think Hitler was bad
Them: Don't give tech companies your personal information! Me [banging on Zuckerberg's bathroom window]: My back hurts.
Advertise your Bluesky account with a Simpsons image.
Darryl Cat@darrylcat.bsky.social · 2mo agoAdvertise your Bluesky account with a Simpsons image.
Three Kittens: Let's explore the toilet! Me, trying to shit: wut The Dog: We can't all fit in here. The Marching Band: We ain't yielding. Gerard Way's Dad: Keep watching, son.
Boyfriend and stepsons have been going through a big bag of lollipops for a few weeks, evidently under the impression that some had bubblegum inside and some didn't. They all have gum. Apparently, my beloved family has just been blithely swallowing the gum believing it to be a chewy candy centre.
Youngest stepson got the hiccups. His father said "We have to give him a scare." So I told him about the economy.
My stepkids might hate me but the joke's on them because their little arms are weak and their punches feel like a massage.
Curse the man who described the human body thusly
crAsh@crashbanzai.bsky.social · 10mo agoMEAT MUPPETS
Okay, okay, but to be fair, Obama will drink a glass of it and tell you all that it's safe.
🇺🇸𝕀𝕟𝕕𝕪 ℝ𝕖𝕗𝕦𝕘𝕖𝕖🇺🇸 𝚂𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝙽𝚘𝚠!@indyrefugee.bsky.social · 2mo agoIf the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool becomes as toxic as it looks, RFK Jr will be swimming daily laps in it.
Quote Of The Day: "Just call my vagina 'The Strait Of Hormuz,' coz nobody's getting up it until they agree to all my demands."
"Swede, AKA rutabaga, is a root vegetable that is believed to be a cross between a cabbage and a turnip." Okay aspiring time travellers, I have a task for you before you go and kill baby Hitler.
It's 12:16 AM in Niue and 11.16 PM in Aotearoa New Zealand, so, welcome to Monday, everyone.
Those expecting it to be the Millennials' turn to be confused and dismayed at youth slang have overlooked our enthusiasm for learning silly new words from the internet.
"Faggot" is gender-neutral. Everybody has a butthole. In fact if you don't call everyone a faggot you are committing an ableist microaggression by inferring those omitted are unwilling or unable to participate in buttsex. Everyone has the right to be considered anally active. That's inclusivity.
